I love this man....

Not much time to write.  But here are some facts:

I finally got a job in a new industry and have been actually pretty happy about possibly leaving my old career completely behind.  K took me out on Friday to celebrate landing a new job.  We went to a very nice place and the man looks wonderful in a full suit...I'm just saying.  While at dinner, he said: "Thank you for giving us something to celebrate."  I'm not sure why that resonates with me two days later.  It felt like an acknowledgement that there is an "us."

Last night I dreamed of a particular activity.  This morning, still half asleep, I mentioned the dream to K.  He asked if he should do that to me...with a special tone in his voice.  He really does want to fulfill my dreams.

We've spent the last four nights together.  Last night he said:  "This is really, really, really, really comfortable." (Yes, I counted the "reallys").

I've been apart from him for about eight hours now.  I really, really, really, really miss him...just laughing and talking with him.  It's odd to me to miss *him* that much because when I first started out in this relationship, I thought it'd be a good, fun sexual excursion while I continued looking for a job.  But when he obviously thinks of "us," fulfills my dreams, is comfortable with me, and I just simply miss him, I start to wonder where we might end up.

For now, I'm so extremely happy with him in every possible way, that I'm content to just be.

I love this man....and it's starting to feel like it's a better kind of love than I've given before.  And trust me, I've tried really hard to look for bad stuff to say about him and it just doesn't seem to exist.

ETA:  Okay, this week he did make me cry.  But it was because he told me that I really do deserve to be happy whether with or without him.  He then said that when we met, I knew that I deserved it, but I didn't *know* it.  I cried that he would be that aware, early on, and honest.  And then I whispered that I want to be happy with him.

Blurts

Tomorrow I meet his family.  I just started getting nervous.

Tonight before I left his house, as we were saying good-bye in a unique way, he whispered, "You have one more, let me have it."  I began to fear he's reading my emails with Mr. Frenulum.

This weekend I insisted on helping around his house, getting it ready for his family's visit.  I didn't even do that much "domestic" when I was married.  I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.

Today, while cleaning, I noticed he has the book "Assholes Finish First" by his bedside.  I really try to never snoop around his house: he trusts me enough to be there when he's not; I don't want to breach that trust by snooping.  But I was making the bed, had to move the book, and noticed the title.  The fact he would be reading it really bothers me and I'm not sure why.  I certainly would be offended if he dictated my reading genres.  Perhaps its because he started reading it in July, after we started dating.

Yesterday was the first time I felt like he didn't listen to me.  I was making dinner (a rarity) and asked to use a particular pan he hardly ever uses.  He said sure.  A few minutes later he came in, asking what I was making in it, and then asked me to put it away because he rarely uses it.  I feel petty that it hurt, a bit, that he didn't really listen to the question the first time it was asked.

This evening he said, more than once, how much he appreciated my help.  He said he hadn't wanted me to do so much but that he really did appreciate how much I did.  When asked why he didn't want help, he commented about it being his house and his responsibility, his burden.  But he didn't have a response when I said it's okay to share the burden now and again.

Tonight he also admitted he purposefully introduced me to his fishing buddy because he knew the gossip chain would happen exactly as it did: that it would get back to his family that we were dating.  I plan to ask him later why he didn't want to tell his family about me himself.

Six Degrees

I don't think I mentioned it, but at the very end of July or in early August, K said something about meeting his parents if we were still dating in October.  This kind of freaked me out a bit and I asked him to not look too far into the future.  As I mulled it over, my mind settled into the fact that looking toward the future like that was, in fact, a very positive sign.  Well, I also got there through consideration of some thoughtful comments on this blog. =)

Then I talked with one of my buddies, D, that I met through the online dating site.  We went hiking (with K's full knowledge) shortly after D returned from a visit to K's home state.  After talking a lot about a relationship issue he was having with the woman he is dating, D then he asked me what was going on.  I mentioned the potential of meeting K's parents.  D has spent some time in K's state and explained that it might mean something completely different to K than it means to me, since K's home state is much more relaxed and laid back.  I can accept that.

Since K mentioned the meeting the parents thing nearly two months ago, I've diligently avoided bringing it back up.  Of course, I'm not absolutely sure I'm navigating correctly, but it felt right to not initiate the conversation.  If there had been a mind shift, I wanted him to have the freedom of not being pressured to introduce me to his family (it's actually his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews that are coming to visit).  He has dated long enough that I think he knows it means a bit of "something", even if the level of "something" is different.  So if the introduction didn't happen, I have already decided I would talk to him about why after the fact because it could mean we view the relationship differently and that's something important to know after four months with him . . . but it wasn't something that needed to be sorted out before the family visit.

Guess what.  I'm meeting his family.  And he was the one that brought it back up.  I'm not sure if he is actually being a little pressured to do the introduction, though.  Here's why:

He's from a small state but knows a few different people from his home state that live here.  Last night K told me that another of his fishing buddies, T, who I met, mentioned to T's friend back home that K and I were dating.  T, T's friend back home, and K's brother-in-law all work in the same industry.  T's back home friend mentioned it to K's brother-in-law, who, of course, mentioned it to K's sister, who, of course, mentioned it to K's parents.  K's sister has already quizzed him on whether they would be meeting "this woman" he is dating.

In less than six degrees of separation, word got back to his family that he was seeing someone pretty consistently. Yet, I have heard him on the phone telling his mom when he doesn't want to do something (like take a vacation day or two when they are visiting).  It seems if he didn't want to make the introduction, he would have told his family no and not mentioned it to me.  Okay, and so he had a fun, goofy smile on his face while telling me the story, reinforcing the idea that he's happy about this outcome and not being pressured.

He once told me he doesn't introduce dates to friends or family.  I think it means something that I'm being introduced to both.

T, who started this chain of events, is also having a birthday celebration for his youngest.  The invitation was sent to K's house but addressed to Uncle K and Auntie H.  That must have been okay for K because he made a point of keeping the invite and showing it to me (it arrived about a week ago).  It was, again, something that he could have just kept from me.

On top of these things making me feel very emotionally secure with this man, last night he surprised me all the more when we went to bed.  He brought an additional element into things and took me nearly exactly as I have craved, but which I've only told him probably 20% of all that he ended up doing.  He seemed to know the other 80% on his own.  I still feel he's new to this path, but he does seem to figure things out.  With that coming so close on the heels of the emotional security, I sit here, writing this out and think:  we just took two steps closer to K being my future-him.

(And then the dual response team in my brain shouts out "We are only taking small, itty-bitty, tinny tiny, baby steps, sister, and don't you forget it!!!!")

The Falling, Part 5

I fell.  Again.  While fishing.  Ugh.

I honestly don't remember ever being this klutzy.  Admittedly, I'm a klutz.  But this much?!?!?!?!?!  Hurt my wrist enough this time that K noticed, while we were still fishing, that I was holding the rod oddly.  He offered me an ace bandage on the way home.

K also made me fall more for him this weekend.  He related a story about his fishing friend commenting how amazing I was when I helped the friend in his small business on Saturday.  K said he was told to not scare me away.  I responded, "What could you do that would possibly scare me away?"  He then admitted the friend hadn't actually said not to scare me away...instead, K was just saying he doesn't want me to go.

Aw Shucks.  I feel really, really, really lucky to have this man in my life right now.  Especially in light of his, um, actions this morning.  Emotionally and physically things just keep getting better. =)  and  :o)

Weirdness???

The past two weeks, I've been helping one of K's friends who just started a small business.  I've only helped out three different days, but it gives me something fun to do while job searching.  Staying busy helps keeps my spirits up.  This friend is in K's circle of fishing/home-state friends.

K also introduced me to a different set of friends last night.  These are all the ladies with whom he works at his professional job.*  Most of them are old enough to be his mother, so they have maternal feelings about him.  I was nervous, but just decided to be myself and found I had a wonderful time laughing with everyone (even though I drank a lot less than most of them).

The weirdness super question mark in this post is because of the following.  I had met the fishing buddy and his wife a couple of months ago and at that time, they quizzed me about how we met...but the fishing buddy asked this week about my view on children and also asked again how K and I met.  Then yesterday, his wife asked something similar about children.  At first these did not strike me as odd.  But then last night, all of his work friends also quizzed me on the same things.

Separately, K brought up the process of raising children twice in the last two weeks and seemed to be asking my opinions on some things; and last night he went on...and on...about how one of his work friends is on her second marriage and it's really positive for her even though they've already been married sixteen years and that "sometimes the second time is the best."  Last night he also said something about no longer being embarrassed about having met through an online dating site because he now knows he found something worth keeping.

Normally, if these various comments had been spaced out a bit more, it wouldn't be on my mind.  But everything coming so close together, and the fishing friends asking questions they already asked a while ago, just makes me feel like K might be saying some really positive things about our relationship.  I started this post thinking something was going on....and I didn't start out recognizing the possibility of positive comments from him...that just struck me as I drafted this paragraph.  Originally I was thinking something weird/odd was going on.  But I think I'm just going to accept that his friends asked these serious questions, and he made some sort of serious comments, all because this relationship is good for him.  It's definitely good for me.  I think instead of fretting over what these comments mean, I'm just going with the idea it means he's happy when he mentions me.
_________
*K has a degree with a major and two minors, all completed in four years. :o)  His M-F job utilizing his degree and he is on a professional track.  His weekend job is at a grocery store and he calls it his "fun job."  I think he spends a lot of his time at the store coming up with recipes he wants to try.

Learning curve

The concept of a learning curve applies to relationships and I don't think I ever realized that before.  As usual, there's a story behind this recognition.

We fished Friday evening and K landed seven and kept two.  The other five had started showing effects of their migration process, which tends to make the meat less tasty.  I, on the other hand, kept getting skunked by those smart fish ~ I lost track of how much bait they stole.  But here's a secret:  I actually sometimes like to just watch K because of how relaxed he looks when he's focused, so I was happy with our evening.

Today I built an insulator for K's smoker.  The weather has turned a bit, and so to help the smoking process along, we needed to make sure the smoker stays as warm as possible.  In my married life, when I contemplated any projects around the house, part of my analysis in the planning stage was making sure I thought through as much as possible because I just didn't want to deal with additional comments or "insights" from the ex...and I didn't want to hear complaints when I was finished with the project.  While I was at the hardware store this morning, I started to get a bit of that stress factor going on.

Then I stopped.  K is generally relaxed about pretty much everything.  He knows life isn't perfect and it's wasted energy trying to make things "perfect."  As someone who works seven days a week, he's also generally thankful when I do things for him (although he says he typically doesn't let anyone do anything for him).  In general, he just appreciates the fact that I was willing to smoke his fish and adding the insulator project was "bonus."

So while starting to fret in the store, I realized that no matter how good or bad the project came out, K would be glad I tried.  He might point out things I could have done differently, but he wouldn't be critical of effort I extended.  For some reason, I realized when I completed the project that I was generally more relaxed going about it than I would have been three or four years ago.  I just rolled with it.

Guess what.  It came out better than I expected.  It doesn't match the "perfect" image in my head, but it looks a lot better than I thought it would.  Being relaxed about the whole thing made it a lot easier in general, which is what I think made it come out pretty decently.  I, of course, thought about the "why" of it all.  Ultimately, I sent K a text thanking him for unknowingly teaching me another lesson today:  not overthinking/stressing/worrying about stuff sometimes makes things easier...and better.

Three Little Words

Lately I've felt a mind shift in how I feel and think about my relationship with K.  Last Thursday night, I recognized the mind shift can be traced back to three little words: "You are safe."

It was recent, August 19 to be exact, that I first felt the comfort of a man holding me and telling me I am safe with him.  Diligently reviewing my past, I still do not recall anyone ever doing that before.  I feel like K knew I needed that reassurance more than just to help me return to earth the night of the 19th: he may have very well understood my whacked out reactions to things related to a generalized fear that seems to have been ingrained in my brain.

I'll give you that this occurred just 23 days ago.  But I've not really had any of my normal freak out reactions since then and that's a pretty long time to not even have a minor one given how other things in my life have triggered some down feelings.

There are two other concrete examples of my mind shifting over these three little words.

The minor example is what triggered me recognizing how important were those three little words.  He told me that he got an email from the online dating site and logged on to respond to the email.  He was on an auto-pay for three months at a time, so when the canceling thing came up in July, he had inadvertently paid for his membership until October.  In telling me, he assured me there "is only one hottie for him."  The fact that he had to log on didn't freak me out like it did last time.  Part of it is him telling me upfront; but also I just *knew* he was telling me the truth about logging on not to search but to send a polite "no thank you."   Thinking about my reaction, I told him then and there that my mind shifted in how I think of "us" and the shift occurred on the night he held me and told me I was safe.

The major example is that this weekend, for some practical reasons, he was the only one that was fulfilled sexually.  I had a bit of a release, but not to even the normal minimal amount (and, okay, I did really enjoy making sure he was fulfilled ~ yes, Mr. Frenulum you just might have been right in your analysis on this point).  Last month, I was frustrated over a similar turn of events although I'll grant you that part of last month's frustration was because I wasn't an active participant in the way things played out and this time, part of my not getting "everything" was by my choice.

Today I contemplated the fact that I might not see K and get all the delights that might be until Thursday this week.  The thought did not tail spin me.  What echoed back from the empty recesses of my mind is that I simply feel safe and secure in the knowledge that eventually what I want will be on the table.  I trust this man to eventually fulfill me, even beyond what I think I need.

I also feel secure and safe in the knowledge that this man actually seems to just "get me."  This week we dealt with basically a lie I said.  I hadn't talked to him about my mom having a bilateral mastectomy and how worried I was for her.  He knew she had a breast cancer diagnosis but hadn't wanted to ask questions until I was ready to talk.  I, on the other hand, hadn't wanted to talk to him about it because, like my job search fears, I wanted to protect our time together and be happy in those moments, not worried.

But I've been kind of distracted (which I think contributed to my fall the other day).  Wednesday night he asked about me being distracted and if I was worried about something.  I lied and said no.  Thursday morning, I was really bothered by the lie.  It was the only time I haven't been honest with him.  My mind kept ringing with the fact that if the situation were reversed, I would want to know what was on his mind so I could help.  I sent a lengthy email explaining and apologizing.  He then addressed my most pressing concerns on Thursday...and Saturday he asked follow up questions.

His reaction is that he didn't view it as a lie but more me telling him only as much as I thought he needed to be told.  He was completely supportive of the fact I had a hard time telling him; and in the same email, he mentioned that he knows the job search is taking a toll on me.  The man is aware enough of me that he sees the parts I try to hide.

The conclusion:  speaking those three words just might mean I don't have to hide.

And looking at the above words, in black and white, I don't seem to be as scared as I was just a few days ago when I talked about taking a step forward.

Oh, and those other three little words don't need to be said because by and through nearly every action he already says "I love you" to me.  Daily.  But he has told me those three little words, too.  =)

Still smiling

Have I mentioned that K likes to fish?  That he saves all his vacation time for fishing?  That not even visiting family will get him to use up vacation time unless they are fishing?  (And I heard him tell his mom just the other day that he's not taking time off when his parents visit next month, so I know this last bit for a fact).

And here's the grin:   last night he told me I needed to research camping so we could go camping.  He said I need to let him know a weekend to go and he'll take off from work.  When I pointed out he doesn't use vacation time unless there's fishing, he responded that he knew I wanted to camp this year and the season will be up soon.  I smiled at him; I got happy tears (but only in my mind's eye).

The guy that diligently protects his vacation time was willing to give me some of that time even if fishing weren't an option.  Wow.  Like super wow.

Then I told him I'd find some camping with a fishing opportunity and he smiled back at me.

Off topic?

A request to my loyal readership of three:  can you send positive vibes or thoughts or prayers (what ever is your preference) about a potential job situation for me.

Yesterday I had a positive phone interview with a recruiter for a job that is a change from my past career path, but using skills I've gathered working with a small company off and on for the last five years.  The potential employer wants someone with my type of advanced degree but in a completely unrelated industry, an industry I just happen to have some experience in.  The pay is about 2/3 of what I could make if I went back to my regular career path, but this job would be much more fun and I think it will have periods of down time (given the particular life cycle of the industry) that would allow me to have greater quality of life.  

The recruiter was going to recommend the company interview me in person because my resume uniquely matched their search criteria.  

To top it off, the position would also likely allow me to continue doing the projects I've been on for the last five years with the other company...which would bring my earnings nearly back to where they would be if I got a job for which my advanced degree is designed.

Sorry...it's hard to tell the story and disguise the facts to protect the innocent.  =)

I just really hope to get at least the in person interview because the job does sound interesting.  I'm sure I could be of help to the company and just want the opportunity to explain how I could help.

I titled this post as "Off topic?" because my job search has nothing to do with my dating life.  But the question mark is because finding a job does impact my relationship with K.  When I find a job, I think we'll both feel much more secure that there is a potential future together beyond my search deadlines.  It remains that I'll be looking for a stop-gap job this month if this current lead doesn't pan out.  A stop-gap would also help, 'cause I'm really, really enjoying my time with this man and I don't want to think about it ending for a stupid reason like I just can't find a job.

What's in a name?

My blog name is, of course, a nom de plume. For those that don't know, Hecate is the goddess of crossroads and magic, among other things.  It was selected back in December to represent the crossroads I was at, when I gathered my courage to write someone who I now have the honor to call friend.  That correspondence remains valued and cherished for the education and the great assistance it gave me in sorting out a part of myself.  It remains to be seen, however, if what I learned truly, completely applies to my life.  I think some, if not all, of it will; I took a path that lead to greater understanding and I hope to not loose that understanding.

And today I started to explore further along that path and I gotta say:  I love the route I'm on right now.

Random Off Topic Stuff

I'm exhausted from a written "verbal" fight I had yesterday on a discussion board.  Basically, someone tried to silence me while complaining my asking questions was silencing someone.  I hate double standards. It wasn't her first attempt to silence my opinion, either, so I stood my ground even as we went off topic. On the bright side, some people who post on that board, and who I generally respect, sent me personal messages showing their support.  It was nice to have confirmation that I'm not alone in my opinion of the particular silencer.

Today K sent a text that for some reason struck me as snippy.  Then I realized I hadn't eaten at all and it was already 1pm.  I think sometimes when I over react, it's possibly related to my blood sugar being out of whack.    I came home, ate and feel that it's likely not snippy, just that he was busy at work.  I've noticed the correlation before between my eating/lack of appetite and my emotional reactions; but I'm writing it here to have a reminder every time I read this back.

Literally, every day I battle fear about my future because I am just not finding a job.  I'm scared of what will happen financially and professionally if I don't find something soon.  My goal this month is to get a stop-gap job, which I hadn't done before because small projects from one company were sustaining me this spring and summer.  K doesn't know how afraid I get about this issue because I shield him from it.  I think it's wrong that I shield him from my reality.

Insert Happy Face Here

Today, K added a little something extra into the mix:  the mix before we got out of bed, so details aren't forthcoming.  But what he added was something I had just recognized I was craving about two days ago.  I hadn't said anything about this particular desire...and it was a kind of minor thing...but I'm going to wear a happy face today because he seemed to innately just know my need.

Mr. Frenulum and I have discussed certain responsibilities in one kind of relationship.  K seems to be meeting some of those responsibilities even though we have not had a deep, detailed conversation about them or the way we are together.

We are only three months into the relationship and I find it important to still go slowly with sharing our stories.  Likewise, I think it appropriate to go slowly with diving into this aspect of our relationship.  I care enough about K that I don't want to scare him away; yet he does keep taking things up a step every now and then...sometimes little steps, sometimes regular sized steps.  Is a giant step forward scary?  It is for me when contemplating taking his hand and leaping forward.

So now I'm off to ponder why being true to myself is scary.

PS.  I heard recently my loyal readership might actually be up to three!  Shout out to SnS!
______
ETA:  The giant step forward that is contemplated above is not the "final" step.  It's more the idea of getting into further specifics of what I am seeking.  The giant step actually requires a multitude of small steps...so please don't think I'm jumping off the deep end just yet.

The Falling Part 4

Yesterday we fished (YAY Fishing!!!!!).  I also kept in mind a cute picture I recently received and wished my hair looked as nice (Thanks Mr. Frenulum).

We arrived at the river and started down the embankment...which I then fell down from about a 1/3 of the way up.  It was steep and my foot slipped out from under me.  I tumbled a few times, thinking to myself as I'm tumbling "I'm infinitely embarrassed."  My mind flashed on how the ex would treat me after my klutzy moments.  He would often ask "why weren't you more careful?"  These things went through my head and I grew more afraid of embarrassing K than I was aware of stopping the fall.

My right side is kind of beat up.  I did a face plant directly into the river.  K's reaction?  "Babe, babe, babe are you alright? Oh my god. Are you okay?"

I fell in the river; then fell more in love with this man.  I may not know all parts of him, as we are still moving slowly in sharing our stories.  But what I know about who he is, how he is, and what he stands for, I love.

Speaking of my prat fall to my cousin this morning, she pointed out that I finally have a quality man in my life.  I already knew this, but this time I paused to think about why, at 42, I'm getting it in a different way, a way that I think will stick this time.  I scratched my head (figuratively) at the idea that I could be a smart, strong, independent, thoughtful woman but I would have tolerated for far too long less than stellar quality in my life.  A decade gone.

As I explained to her, I would talk to my ex about forms of communicating; to let him know there was kinder ways to convey his concern besides essentially berating me.  But I'm glad I gave up.

When I later told K about how sore I actually was (because up to then we were fishing, not complaining), he was a little bothered I hadn't said something at least when we were carrying gear out.  I had taken care not to exacerbate my sore spots, so I didn't mind carrying gear.  But when I also told him the only time I felt like crying was from embarrassment, his response was: "Why be embarrassed. We all fall."

When I thanked him for not making me feel like an idiot, he asked why should he, and who would do something like that?  All I could answer was "me, myself and I" because I will have waves of embarrassment over this for the next few weeks. For some reason, I just don't feel like complaining to K about the ex.

Can I bore you again and say I love this man?

Oh, and I landed two fish and lost at least three on the line...K landed four.

Avoiding the Rabbit Hole

This weekend, K is going out of town with some friends.  Throughout the past week, he's made an extra effort to do date night things instead of just hanging out at his house during the week.  I suspect he was wanting to make up for the fact that he will be gone for the majority of the holiday weekend.

His effort made me smile, and I enjoyed the events we attended and the time we had together.  So this morning (before I prepare to go fish - YAY), I lay here, in his bed, smiling.

Tuesday my smile increased when he said that he asked his friends to come back a day early because he told them he "had someone, err, something" he wanted to do on Monday (okay he really didn't say "someone" to his friends, but it was a cute funny when conveyed to me).  He then said he wanted to spend Monday with me.  Consistently, he makes me feel like a priority in his life, which is a welcome change.

And we get to the but:  last night, when I said they might want to stay until Monday if the fishing is good, he said that his friends want to come back Sunday to avoid the Monday traffic.  This was the first inconsistency I've heard from him about something that is related directly to me.*  Are the coming back at his insistence or their's?

Guess what.  That last question didn't set off the typical alarms in my head.  Pondering it this morning, I realized a couple of things:

• It very well could have been him that planted the idea of traffic into his friends' heads because he does want to come back.
• Why does it really matter the reason for coming back on Sunday?  The important part, regardless of why, is that he wants to spend the rest of his holiday with me.
• The way he phrased his comments on Tuesday was aimed at making me feel good and that was, again, an effort toward making me feel like a priority.  That effort is being carried through in action, regardless of the words, by him making plans with me for Monday.

Right now I'm changing my approach to my job search and I've noticed that the shift in that thinking seems to be helping me shift my thinking about this relationship into what feels like a healthier mode.

I am consistently inconsistent myself.  But I tend to point it out because it relates to the dual response team in my head where I will literally have two conflicting reactions because I see situations from multiple sides.  Isn't it a tad unfair for me to expect people in my life to never, ever have inconsistencies themselves?  Sure, one should diligently look out for things like "Honey, I'm going to the store" when he in fact goes to the bar ~ that's more out right lying.

It feels good to over think this point in a way that is making me actually grow myself.  When I dated back in college this kind of inconsistency would have made me question my partner.  But there's no need for questions this time around.  Perhaps it's a better quality person; whatever the cause, I'm happy that I can just breathe and not pull myself into a rabbit hole over something this minor.
______________________________________________
*For those of you keeping track, I may have mentioned a previous inconsistency.  That was related to why he chooses to work two jobs; I ultimately decided that neither answer was related to anything to do with me, so it didn't matter if there was a minor inconsistency.  Pretty much every other thing he says and does remain consistent.

Things that make you go hmmm

As mentioned elsewhere, K is a great cook.  Tonight we were discussing one of my family recipes that I want to make...but which is packed and stored two states away.  He likes recipes and jokes that they are his form of porn.

In the discussion, I said, "I can't wait until I get a job and can move all my things up here to access the things I miss."

K responded, "If we break up, will you at least send me the recipe?"

Hmmm.

So I replied: "It depends on who breaks up with whom.  If you break my heart, I'll probably not share the recipe."

He was very, very quick to offer a pinkie swear, sealed with a kiss, that he would not break my heart.  That's our goofy way of making a "serious" (even when being playful) promise.

Hmmm.

By training and profession, words are valuable to me.  My impression is that he understands that.  But I hope he does really "get it."  Promising not to break my heart means something to me.  

Hmmm.

By virtue of a not so good nurture, words like "if we break up" sets alarms ringing in my head.  It was said with banter and a light tone.  But for me it's not something to joke about.

Hmmm.

As I sit here pondering, I wonder if he has a fear of me leaving him. He knows that originally my Plan B was to return to my prior locale if I didn't find a job.  Yet, as recently as two days ago, I told him it makes equal sense for me to get just any old job because returning only saves me rent...and I should be able to find a job where I earn enough to at least pay the rent.

I think he just taught me another lesson ~ that too many times, I take comments too personally, when, in fact, it is equally likely that he's worried for himself and not realizing the impact of his statement on me.

And now starts the self-recrimination for not assuring him better tonight.  Luckily, I see him tomorrow evening.

Fishing Part 2

Yesterday I fished for four and a half hours.  I caught two fish all on my own. =)  Actually, I landed three but one was foul hooked, so I had to release him.  When I was working on landing my fourth, the line broke, or my knot came undone (more likely the case) and I lost the fish.  So I nearly had my limit yesterday but for a few snafus.

K cleaned and filleted them for me and today I'm smoking them with a mesquite chip.

But why is this fishing story on my dating blog (besides the fact that I hear fishermen are supposed to brag a lot)?

More than once during the evening last night, K said he was proud of me and my fishing ability.  It's nice to have my newbie skills recognized and appreciated.  He claims he's bad at verbal communication; yet he's more than willing to express that he's proud.  Such a refreshing change from "that's great, dear."

And he let me get all dorky when I was talking about how much fun it was, how you could feel the whole crowd buzz with excitement when people started catching.  Well, maybe he just liked hearing the story 'cause he couldn't get out himself.

I like fishing...and I like this guy.

Fishing

Could it be a sign of "true love" (and I mean that in a humorous tone)?

K lives to fish.  He loves to fish.  He will forgo time with friends to fish and saves most of his vacation time for fishing.  For example, when his family comes to visit in October, he isn't taking any days off to hang out with them.  The only thing he will not do is call in sick to work in order to go fish. He's extremely responsible about work and has, in fact, never called in sick to any job his entire life.  I get discouraged for him because he works two jobs and really doesn't have a ton of time to fish.

He's introduced me to it and I enjoy fishing, too.  I'm finding a zen place in my mind when I cast and reel, cast and reel, cast and reel.  It shuts off the near constant chatter in my brain.  The lapping of the bay's water against my legs is relaxing.  The sound of the tide tumbling against the rocks is soothing.  The sunlight dappling off the water, or the sun setting behind gorgeous mountain ranges are beautiful.  The briny tang of the air is invigorating.  In my troubled, worrisome life, fishing is a bit of a respite.

But I have not hooked and landed my own fish.

And the man who loves to fish let me land one he hooked yesterday so that I could understand how the end game feels.  He gave up landing one of his own to make sure I was finding the joy in it.  It was slow fishing yesterday; he only hooked two and he gave me half of his fun.  *Big happy sigh*  And the two times before that we fished, he didn't catch anything, so it does seem more of a sacrifice in that light.

The Falling Part 3

Last night, when we were supposed to be having a sleep over without any "physical activity", we forgot the agreement and were soon not sleeping.  At one point, I fell out of the bed because I am just plainly that dorky...and klutzy...and I kind of slipped off the edge, banging my elbow on the platform frame.  It actually still hurts.

But I feel like it's been a long time since I gave my loyal readership of two something to laugh at.  So there you go; laugh with me please because I'm giggling as I write this.

Oh, and K laughed with me at first then grew very concerned and caring when it became clear my arm was a little tender after all.  When I said I was completely embarrassed, he eased my discomfort.

Safe in his arms

From now on, K gets space whenever he even hints about it.

Since Wednesday, he's been satisfying my needs (and I his).  Thursday night he made me smile, more extremely so than Wednesday night.  Last night, he brought a bit of creativity to the mix; he's obviously putting his mind to work.  I'm still disinclined to be explicit here; but last night what he added in, it took my body and mind to some place different than ever before with anyone.  I once had a similar emotional reaction with someone but it wasn't coupled with the full physical reaction.  Last night was truly unique, something I've only experienced with K.  My reasoning ability escaped me for a few minutes, my mind stopped processing, not even white noise intruded, and physically, I was later told, my whole body was shivering.

And K knew to wrap his arms around me tightly, to hold me, and to keep telling me I was safe while he stroked my hair.

I sit here remembering the feel of his arms around me as my intellect streamed back into my mind.  There was the silence of peace and bliss, broken only by the sound of his voice assuring me, with his strength physically manifesting what his words were saying.  Later, I thanked him for making me feel safe.  His response: "You are safe."

I'm memorializing this here, and elsewhere, to look upon it when I have those moments of worry and fear.  As I write these thoughts, I ask myself: why worry anymore?  He is the first man to hold me and tell me I am safe.  I felt safe in his arms. I continue to feel safe in the memory of it.

On second thought...

I'd really like to edit out some of the Space...the final frontier post.  But I made it my policy when I started this blog that I would only edit posts for mechanical problems (spelling, punctuation, my never ending battle with homophones).  I committed to myself that I would not remove posts.  Arguably "editing out" is "editing" but it's actually removing a chunk that falls into the objectionable category.  So to my two readers out there, please feel free to ignore the Space...the final frontier post.

Frankly, I think my substantial worry about the job market really brought me quite low this week.  Actually, there's no "thinking" about it: it brought me really down, in a way I haven't experienced for probably three and a half months now.  The confluence of those feelings with some questions about K made me ponder, yesterday, way too much the question of space.  I would actually have been terrible company for K those few days he was needing space because those were the hardest days I had this week in dealing with the job search.

Yet, a hug was what I needed most those few days.

The questions I asked in the post are still valid.  I just don't think I needed to spend so much time fussing over them.  Only time and further discussions with K will answer them.  And that's all I need to know for now.

Space...the final frontier

This week we dealt with the issue of space.  Let me share the context because I'm still sorting out things.  It's a confluence of feelings and sexual need, so I may be stating a touch more of the sexual side of things than I will state in the future.

Perhaps this is the first crack...and I worked really hard at not over thinking what this all meant.  Still, I feel I need to talk about it even if just to myself.  The whole situation has left me feeling a bit disconnected from K; but this week I also had really overwhelming negative feelings about my job search, so in that muddled state, I could be confusing myself.

Last Thursday, K was teaching me to tie knots, as I've recently learned I enjoy fishing.  He playfully placed the rope (loosely of course) around my neck.  This started the wheels spinning in the most delightful way.  He then made more than a few jesters that left me thinking he was taking things to a different level.  But that night there was no culmination for me, only him.

It was the first time that he did not also respond in kind; it was unusual for him to not look out for my needs as well and it made me feel a bit lost.  Honestly, it left me frustrated in a way I did not anticipate and is making me question control concepts even though control has not been turned over to him.  He hasn't earned the privilege or right to only look out for himself; to me we are still in a place where mutual satisfaction, a give and take, are appropriate.

We went out to a play on Friday, but then when it was over, it was clear he did not want me to go home with him.  That was a bit confusing because of comments he made during the day that indicated he was interested.  But I knew he was tired from work so I also understood where he was coming from even if it meant I would continue feeling frustrated.

Saturday, I expressly asked if we could deal with my frustration, although I stated it in different terms with him and kept things playful.  But we went fishing after he got off from his second job and by the time we made it back to his place, we were, initially, too tired for further physical activity.  My shower revived me enough, but I could tell he was still too tired himself.

Waking on Sunday, we didn't have enough time before he had to leave to his second job.  But it was clear he was ready; knowing how little time we had, I consciously chose not to start something that could not be finished for both of us and other than an obvious sign, he made no move to start something himself.  On Sunday afternoon, he was substantially more explicit in our text exchanges than he has ever been.  Yet, he didn't make plans for Sunday evening, or Monday, or Tuesday.  Sunday evening, in light of our off timing over the weekend, I explained that the teasing was more frustrating than fun at that point; still he continued to tease a bit.

We finally got together last night (Wednesday) and while my frustration was adequately dealt with, things were as they had been with him.  Six days of feeling frustrated and confused is making me almost sad.  Then I feel stupid that it's only six days and who am I to complain?  Yet, I was very unfulfilled sexually in my marriage and I think that makes me sensitive to being unfulfilled this early in the relationship.

It was really hard for me because nothing was expressly said about him needing space.  I did eventually talk to him on Tuesday about his need for space and he said, yes, he needed some space because sometimes he just likes being alone.  I completely get that, as when I'm working I sometimes need that, too.  But as I explained to him, what he said Sunday seemed to say we'd be seeing each other soon, but then he just went sort of silent that day.  In his mind, not making plans was enough to say "I need space."  In my mind, when I expressed a need and he teased back in a way indicating he meant to fulfill that need, that left me to speculate why suddenly he dropped the ball and the speculation could have been avoided if he had simply said Sunday that he needed a few days to himself.

He knows I tend toward over-thinking...about everything.  That's not something he does.  I honestly don't think he understands why I do it.  How could he when I don't fully understand why.  I think in an attempt to help me not expend unnecessary energy, he assured me that if something is bothering him, he'll tell me.  To me, the need to have some space was something that should have been mentioned and I just didn't understand why he didn't say so on his own and why he left it to me to figure out what was going on.

Aside from K, my reactions have me re-evaluating how far I actually am comfortable with control.  I see almost a return to a balance sheet tally mentality.  Yet, I also see myself looking out for my needs to make sure they are addressed.

When I talked to him on Tuesday, he did end the conversation by saying it was a breath of fresh air that we talk about things.  Tonight I intend to find out why talking through something is a breath of fresh air; I'm starting to wonder if this situation stems from limited experience, as from what little he's shared, his relationships don't usually last very long.  Granted, two and a half months is not long; but he's intimated that there have only been a handful of relationships that lasted past two months.  I suppose this implication also makes me worry, in the back of my mind, if he is nearing an end stage for this relationship, one that I can't discern because he's disinclined to tell me things that have happened before.  He hasn't spoken toward the future in any great detail in the last week or two except to say he's torn about an invite he has for Labor Day because it means we won't be able to spend any of the holiday weekend together.

I feel selfish, though.  He works two jobs; seven days a week he is at a "job" of some sort.  He spends a lot of time with me, but when that tempo of togetherness is altered without comment and with other conflicting signals happening, I get confused.

I care deeply for this man; it scares me, though, that I still don't feel comfortable just engaging in stream of consciousness discussions with him about issues like this when they come up.  I'm overly contemplative and edit how I pose questions or make points.  I want to trust that he'll tell me if something is wrong; but it feels like he failed to do so about something as simple as needing space.

Why?

I started this blog when I was beginning the dating process.  Initially, I thought it would take me a lot longer to meet someone with whom I click.  Looking back on my blogs, my very first date with K had a click that did not happen with anyone else.  We've only been dating now just over two months.  But I'm starting to wonder about why I'm still blogging.  The point, originally, was to keep my rationality while going through the process of meeting strangers in a strange land.  Now that I have someone with whom I'm very comfortable, why do I feel the need to still share with the world at large (okay, really, just my two readers)?

I think the answer might be simple:  I'm still learning to trust again and I have moments when that comfort slips from my grasp.  Yet, those moments are self created illusions (à la the Sabotage post).  Having a man's perspective on even a minute portion of what I put down here has helped certain things click into place in my head.  Thank you Mr. Frenulum.

Once I got over my over thinking about K having been on the online dating site, I realized there's been other little hints that he might need some reassurances about our relationship.  For the most part, as he makes most of those passing comments, I respond to them in reassuring ways.  But it took Mr. Frenulum's comment for it to click (again) in my head that men have very similar concerns about the relationship process.  I recognized this long ago when I worried about what boxes to check in my online profile.  K needing certain reassurances actually mirrors my need.

So why do I still blog?  Because I still:

• learn from those who take the time to post here - oh wait, that's only Mr. Frenulum :o)
• need other input to help me see different perspectives 
• look back and realize I make connections and then forget them.

Change is hard; but I think that even if K is not my forever guy, he is helping me learn to change some things about myself that I have disliked:  namely how my over thinking some things actually damages the very thing I'm thinking about.  It remains that I will still question things; I actually don't want to give up that part of my nature.  But what I do want to give up is my inclination to over think and immediately jump to the worst case scenario.  Formulating questions to gather more data does not require me to think the sky is falling.

So why do I still blog?  Because I'm also still teaching myself how to do better the next time around.  K deserves someone at her best and I intend to meet that challenge.

Sabotage

I am a saboteur.  My mind almost immediately goes to "worse case scenario." It's a condition from the past.  It's something that needs to stop.

In a broad sense (because details are privileged), K answers a great part of a sexual need I have had.  He may never go to the full extremes I envisioned, but he does things to and for me and takes me places that I've longed to go.  The extent he does go has shut off an almost overwhelming hunger I had for the first half of the year, such that my mind doesn't currently wander to the deeper levels.

In a detailed sense (because I've gone on about emotional stuff here already), K answers so many of my emotional needs.  Struggling with a tough job market, he is my cheerleader, my confidant, my motivator when I just can't do another cover letter.  Struggling to come to terms with past decisions that still break my heart today, he is my rock, my safe place to cry, my beacon in what could be an emotional abyss.  These are but two critical examples of a man already well vested in my happiness.

He is the kind of man that I want and deserve.  He is not only caring and considerate of me, but of others including strangers.

Don't get me wrong, things are not 100% perfect with him.  I'm not sure 100% actually exists.  But he knows deeper secrets about me than even my ex-husband and K has not run.  He's shared with me a deep secret of his.  Before that understanding, we did have a minor hiccup, but when I didn't run he settled into feeling more secure himself.  This, in turn, dealt with the hiccup.

I am resolved today to no longer be the saboteur.  I care deeply for this man; he answers nearly every key point on my relationship wish list; he answers the basics on my sexual wish list (and really, we've only just begun); he answers the generalities on my humanistic wish list.  I want him in my life and I am not going to seek out flaws that simply don't exist.

And the answer is....

The answer is I'm sort of an idiot.

K returned to the online dating site to try to figure out how to cancel his membership.  He thought he had it canceled and realized when he got his credit card bill he had not.  He went on to research the issue and still couldn't find what he had done wrong the first time.

In other words, he was in the same boat that triggered me going on yesterday, only having less success.  Even though he's younger than I am, he is less internet savvy, so his trouble in navigating the site does not strike me as odd.

In explaining how I happened to be on the service yesterday, he smiled when I said I had canceled my membership.

Talking about the trouble we both seem to have in canceling the memberships and shutting off emails, he brought up a couple of points that make me think the service simply does not want to let members go, which is why it's difficult to get the dang thing to shut off!  We both also laughed at some of the stories we could tell about "fake" ads.  In his ever assuring way, he noted he was glad he found someone real.

And he didn't seem bothered that I had to ask what he was doing on there.

This morning I told him he makes me feel happy and secure.

Pressure...pressin' down on me.

Perhaps Mr. Frenulum is correct:  that K's comment was seeking reassurance and I should stop future tripping.  I absolutely don't want a man that thinks about door number two.  I deserve to be someone's priority and for the most part, the things K says and does imply I'm important...although I feel like I've slipped in the priority scale a bit this week.  Still, he does invest a lot in making me feel important to him.

So, I have to ask...why has he been on the online dating site within the last week?

I accidentally came across this information when I was shutting down my membership; I hadn't realized until just before I got busy at the end of July that it was on auto-renew and when I thought I had let it expired, it hadn't.  So I went on, and because his profile was linked to mine, it popped up and I could see that he had been on in the last week.  His profile is still active, so he wasn't on there to hide it or cancel his membership from what I can tell.

Yes, I intend to ask him about it...in the next hour even.  I hope the explanation is reasonable; but honestly, I'm leaning toward being hurt.  Yes, I need more data before I can determine if being hurt is justified in the least. I hope it's not.  Yes, I recognize this inclination toward hurt is because I have been cheated on in the past.  I know he is not that man and he is the kind of person that would not cheat.  Still...

Perhaps he was, himself, feeling shaky last week, went there in case I was pulling away, and really was seeking reassurance as Mr. Frenulum suggests.  Only talking it through will give any answers; and it is, frankly, pointless to speculate.  But I'm writing out some of my worry here so I can be more rational when I talk to him shortly.

Future Tripping

I think I'm uncomfortable when K speaks toward the future.  On the one hand, it gives me a sense of security that he's interested in this relationship enough to consider the future.  But on the other, it makes me feel pressured in a way that I don't remember feeling pressure before.  I'm not sure how to handle it.

Take yesterday's example: looking through some old pictures on his camera, I came to one of a woman I didn't recognize.  I asked about it and it was an ex-girlfriend.  The date on the photo was 2010 but he seemed flabbergasted and dated the picture to 2009...despite my mentioning that the camera date was 2010.  Later in the evening, he asked if it made me uncomfortable that the photo was on there.  I explained the only reason I was uncomfortable was it made me wonder when I'm not in his life anymore, how easily he'll forget about me.

His response, perfect in most ways, was "well, you'll just have to stay in my life then."

Still mulling over why this makes me feel pressured.......

Will She Ever Learn?

For the second time in a month, I'm on a work related project with exceedingly long hours, but only for a short stint.  Fortunately, this time the project is in the city in which we live.  Because the hours are so long, I'm staying downtown in a hotel and not commuting home each night.  Oddly, or not, K and I both say we miss the other person.  Luckily, yesterday was a short day and K came downtown to spend a few hours with me...and to spend the night, too.

Sometimes I leave him little notes when I slip away from his house after him.  Today, I left him a note in the bathroom of the hotel room, as I was the first to leave this time.  When I got back to my room tonight, I was a little sad that there wasn't a return note.  I guess the adage that we treat others as we want to be treated is definitely true in this case.  Being somewhat exhausted for all the right reasons, I think tiredness just made me forget how wonderful he is regardless of whether there's a note or not.

Realizing that not everyone thinks the same about these little things, I went about my evening and let go of the momentary blip.  Reaching for my PJs, which were hanging on a bathroom hook, I discovered that K had hidden a card behind them.  Wow.  It was even a Hallmark card. =)  I was flabbergasted to say the least.  I've never gotten him a card.  Wow.  He had to actually plan ahead to do that.

Repeatedly this guy has shown that he is a quality individual, interested in doing the right thing for the right reasons, time and time again exceeding my expectations.  Rejoicing in all that he already does, on just a basic level, makes me happier than I've been in too long to consider.

All this leaves me to ask:  when will I learn to simply accept that he is, as far as I can tell, an amazing guy?  When will I learn to stop fretting over inconsequential things, like a note, and accept that he usually covers those bases all on his own initiative?  When will I learn that it is possible for someone to care for me exactly how I have always wanted?

The Still of the Night

Last night, I awoke for about an hour.  Even in the still of the night, K made me feel comfortable, happy, safe and secure.  The silly little things really mean a lot to me.  And so, yet again, I share a such a story.

I have this thing I do...when I feel connected to someone with whom I'm sharing a bed, a part of me wants to be in physical contact, whether its a foot touching foot, a hand caressing hand, spooned together, or what-have-you.  I suppose I should have recognized as a sign of discontent that very early in the marriage, I just didn't want that connection with the ex.  The physical connection brings a bit of peace to mind as I sleep; and very much so with K.  It used to be, however, that I would feel smothered if held too closely, with my face pressed into a man's chest.  Happily, when K holds me that way, I relax more fully and can feel the tension leaving my body.  I haven't ever felt smothered by him.  Interesting.

But I digress; back to last night.  When I woke, I was concerned about fidgeting and waking K.  Other worries were on my mind and the wheels started turning, so I knew I'd be awake for a bit.  Purposefully, I slid a bit away from him so as to let him sleep.  I broke that contact with him.  During the course of the hour, he tossed and turned a bit but remained mostly asleep, as evidenced by his breathing patterns.  Still nearly every single time but one that he moved, he reached out to me in some way, reconnecting.  With a hand, with a foot, a couple of times with a kiss.  I'm not sure if he knew I was awake the whole time; I was laying with my eyes closed trying to get back to sleep.

It brings a sense of security to me that he reaches out for me in just the way I crave; he seeks me out even when he might be unaware that he is doing so.  And since I find the need to be connected is an odd one, I never told him of it.  He either observed it on his own or he mirrors me in even something as random as touching during sleep.

Fascinating.  Yet, the dual response team in my brain is forcing me to say that I will try not to read too much into the fact that we seem to match on so many levels.  Including a few new intimate levels that developed this weekend along the lines of exactly what I crave in that arena as well. =)

We woke holding hands, face to face, foreheads almost touching.  My day started happily indeed.

The Falling Part 2

And did I mention we both admitted we are falling?

Sexting

Wow.  Just engaged in what I think the kids these days call sexting.  Not fully so...more a bantering back and forth with K while he gets ready to head to the airport.  I cannot wait to kiss him and to feel his arms around me.  I really hope he means to do every last thing he mentioned...well, maybe not all at once. ;o)  The sweet torture of anticipation is, I believe, his dastardly plan...and I like it...A LOT.  How did he know to tease in just the way he did?

Today I thanked the universe because I feel really lucky right now.  Not only does he answer many of my wish list items for relationships in general, it really feels like we are moving organically more toward where I want to be sexually. We've talked about some of our individual preferences, but I haven't fully disclosed everything I think I desire and neither has he.  Yet, he keeps taking steps in those directions. =)

I also thanked the universe because the hard work this past week and in the next two means that I have about four more months of breathing room for finding a job.  The time away from K was hard, but having "bought" myself more time up here to spend with K while I continue my search was so very worth it.

The squeak in my head has changed a bit.  It's not "I hope I don't jinx this" kind of thing so much anymore.  It's more "is this authentic to both of us."  I continue to try and be straightforward and honest; being my plain, dorky self.  He seems to be doing the same.  I really need to find the off button to my worrying and just enjoy the moment.

I'm giddy with anticipation at seeing him tonight...he can't get here fast enough.  I actually feel a bit nervous for some reason.  Where's the TARDIS when you need it?

Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow

Back from a slightly extended business trip, exhaustion is setting in.  But I feel like this blog captures memories for me; the way K made me feel this past week and a half was ~ cherished and valued ~ memories most definitely worth capturing.

This trip involved a lot of very busy days, long hours, basically working from waking up until dropping into bed.  I averaged 5.5 hours of sleep for the last 10 days.

Who was there to offer laughs and support during this time?  K.  Who did I miss, perhaps even too much?  K.  Who, just over a month and a week into this relationship, expressed worry about how hard I was working and offered a night of pampering so I could recover?  K  Who tolerated when I stressed out about "us" because I was so exhausted and missed him?  K.  

He made a point of almost daily sending me something to make me smile, whether it be a text, picture or email.  The nature of the work I was doing didn't leave much time for me to talk or respond...yet he kept it up without having to be asked.  It really helped my ability to deal with a stressful last few days.  Even though we've been apart, he kept us connected.

That kind of thing never happened with the ex...and I worked myself into exhaustion, at times, all for marital community.  Flying home tonight, I realized how nice it was to have support from someone who had no moral obligation to lend it.  Even if my relationship with K is only for the short-term, he's taught me that I deserve someone who recognizes the hard effort.

When I first left my marriage, I found daily affirmations of why it was the right choice.  K has, in many instances, affirmed this is a good path for me right now.  He is nearly the opposite of the ex in nearly every important category; but most importantly - he patiently deals with my oddities, worries, and concerns.  He may be seven years younger, but he is often far wiser than I.

Just before leaving on the trip, I worried that the time apart could be the end of this relationship because it was so new.  As I sit here, typing, I laugh at myself for worrying.  Actually, I'm really a bit angry at myself for not giving K more credit.  I hate this about me, but I almost feel like I've been conditioned to expect the least from the men in my life.  K puts effort into "us"...although it really feels effortless for him - it's just how he is.

K has been out of town himself and I finally get to see him tomorrow.  Tomorrow can't come soon enough.

The Falling

Let's just be frank here because surely we deserve it (but don't call me Frank or Shirley):

I'm really falling for K and it scares me a bit.


We spent basically, the last five nights together.  We spent entire days together this weekend except for when he had to go to work, which was good because I actually had some work to do myself.  I still haven't thought "I'm bored."  I've thought "this is so damn comfortable" or "my sides hurt from laughing so much" or "falling asleep in his arms makes me feel secure."

There was a little bump this weekend in terms of a mis-communication of something explicit.  I'll keep to my policy of being vague on certain aspects that should be detailed only with K.  But even on this bump, we talked through what happened, without frustration, with what felt like honesty from both of us.  I am taking a leap of faith and trusting in what he says.  His actions support his words in a way that's hard to describe.

Earlier I was worrying if I'm falling too fast and what does that say about me as a person.  Then I recognized everything he says and does around me shows he's falling in a similar way.  It made me realize that I don't have to feel weird about how I'm feeling.  It's okay to go along, being authentic, enjoying the moment and laughing way too much.  He's, so far, standing right next to me in the process.

But the scared child in my heart says: Please, please don't let him be shining me on.  I can't take another heartbreak right now.  When will the child's fear be silenced?

Honesty is the best policy

K actually struggled with his reaction to me going to the driving range with Guy 2 - B.  He said he expected better of himself and that I should have guy friends.

Coining a phrase a friend used, I explained to K that we can't help how we feel; we can only be honest about it and either come to understand why we feel that way, or discuss it with the other person and see if they can't help the understanding.  This is, in fact, what we ultimately did.  Although I still don't understand the root cause of his concern, it seems like he did and says its something he wants to work on.

When I mentioned Guy 2 - B also had a couple of professional contacts that I was interested in following up on, K seemed to become much more comfortable with the whole proposition.

And for the record, Guy 2 - B mostly respected the boundary of "being friends" but at some point, I met a couple of his guy friends and that got back to Guy 2 - B's ex-wife and she's already flung out the "your girlfriend" thing at Guy 2 - B.  That disturbed me a bit because it seemed like Guy 2 - B might not be respecting the boundary when I'm not around.  Ugh.  Trying to make just friends is almost as hard as finding a great guy.

K's willingness to talk things through...even if he was still a bit guarded on the why he felt that way...tends to indicate K is a great guy.  It's still early, but I'm really glad I met him.

Hey Jealousy...

"The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place 
Hey jealousy" ~ Gin Blossoms


So we may have seen a shadow of a real negative.  Tomorrow I'm planning to hit the driving range with one of the guys I met before K.  I'm going with Guy 2 - B, who knows I just want to be friends.  K honestly admitted he was uncomfortable with me going because I met Guy 2 - B through the online dating.  K gets huge bonus points for being honest.

While K said he trusts me, something still "pinged" off so I asked.  When I mentioned that it sometimes seems like he might have been cheated on in the past, he skirted the issue but admitted he has trust issues.  He also said he trusts me because I'm honest about what I'm doing. At least he wasn't that freaky jealous guy that would ask me to cancel.  If he had asked, he would have been written off as trying to be isolationist - a definite no-no in my book.

Frankly, in my weird relationship life, I don't remember ever having to deal with the man being jealous.  The "love of my life" college boyfriend was a cheater, although at the time I said not technically but today I say he was.  We cycled through being "together" and "apart" while also living as roommates (separate bedrooms, house sharing arrangement).  In that pattern, he would often "hook up" with someone soon after we decided we were "apart"...but he never had the courage to make a final break from me (ultimately I did that) and he never had the grace to hook up outside of the house.  So, yes, I've had to deal with my own trust and jealousy issues before.  The ex-husband never acted jealous and almost, in hindsight, seems to have been indifferent.  The guy I lived with during graduate school wasn't jealous; and the few guys I dated casually never got to the level of being invested enough to be jealous.  I scanned my memory and don't find any clues on how to navigate a guy who might be jealous.

Then I smack my forehead with the palm of my hand ('cause there's no one here to smack my ass for me).  I just have to continue being honest and forthright in telling K what I'm doing and with whom.  It's his issue to work through.  I can help him through it by being my honest self and if the issue doesn't resolve itself, then I have thinking to do.

Is it wrong that I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it's an issue he can work through?  Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill?  Upon editing this, it does almost seem as if I am.

*rolling my eyes at myself for over thinking AGAIN*

"Cos all I really want's to be with you 
And feel like I matter too" ~ Gin Blossoms

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Mr. Frenulum's comment to "Over thinking is...stupid" has me thinking (but not overly so, I swear; or maybe just a tad overly so).

So I'm sitting here thinking of a list of "negatives" that I could give you about K.

And I'm thinking...

Yep, still thinking....

Okay, here's something:  he still remains guarded about past hurts.  His last great hurt, I've learned, is that he felt deceived by his girlfriend, although he did not use the word deceived.  He was "completely into the relationship" and "she acted like she was" but then it turns out "she really wasn't that into it."  Those are about verbatim quotes and about the extent of what he's shared.

I wish I knew more but I hesitate to ask too many direct questions, fearing that it's too soon to delve deep.  Last night, though, I made a passing comment about my childhood and he said sometime he'll ask me more about it (he's already recognized it wasn't the best).  He's interested in knowing but respecting some sort of unspoken boundary we both seem to have.  How and when do we break down that barrier?  Last night my response was that he might have to share some of the harder parts of his life when I share mine.  But Mr. Frenulum's comment makes me remember advice to lead by example.  Perhaps he guards himself because there are parts of me I still guard.

Yet, last night when he was talking about some photos on the mantel, he recognized how much his parents did for him growing up, grew teary eyed and wasn't guarded about showing his deeper feelings on that subject.  And he could acknowledge that he had a really privileged childhood because he has great parents.

Another possible negative, which I can't ferret out if it is a negative:  I feel like he overspends on some of our dates.  On the one hand, it feels really nice that someone would like to do that for me; it feels nice to be past my insistence of going dutch; it feels nice to do some of the better things in life I wouldn't be otherwise able to do right now.

Here's an example:  he took me to the symphony on Saturday.  These were mid-way back from the stage on the stage level, center tickets.  I didn't check the website to find out if they were the most expensive ones in the house, but they were pricey (the cost was on each ticket) and very excellent seats.  Prior to the symphony, we stopped for drinks and appetizers at a little more spendy of a place than I would go to if I had purchased expensive symphony tickets.  He brought high-end chocolates along to enjoy at intermission.  Afterward, we went out for more appetizers and drinks at a sort of spendy steak house.  So in the totality of things, he dropped a decent amount of cash.

I felt like a princess that night...and I don't remember ever being made to feel that it was okay to be the princess.  While getting ready, I had actually grown worried about how I looked and if I would meet his expectations.  The second thing he said (after saying Hi) was that I looked really sexy.  And he went on that night about how nice I looked.  He truly made me feel like a princess.

I also felt inadequate because I couldn't contribute.  I thought about picking up the tab at the steak house, but he ordered what he wanted (with my consent) while I was in the ladies' room and ordered a bit more than I was comfortable covering when I thought about getting the tab.

He is, however, at a comfortable place in life.  Assuming he was honest on his online dating profile, I have a guess as to how much he makes (although that was not a criteria in picking him to go out with).  His parents put him through college, so he has no student loan debt.  He did buy his house during the heated real estate market, but I have no idea how much he spent or if he overspent on it.  I know he owns one of his cars free and clear and I think he outright owns the other one.

But he's worked two jobs for 13 years he says because he likes to keep busy.  I haven't felt he's ever told me anything false, so there's no reason to doubt this statement.  Still, I worry.  And he wants to do more things next month that could be spendy.  If he's actually working two jobs to be able to afford this kind of lifestyle, that makes me feel bad because that kind of lifestyle is nice...but not a mandatory thing on my list (well, occasionally mandatory, but not every other weekend like things have been so far).

I think I'm unable to determine if this is a negative because it's actually my feelings that are causing the question.  Since I was 16, I've always provided for myself...and for the marriage, I was more the "provider" than not, so add another decade of also providing for another.  It's odd to be in the reverse role.

When I mentioned something to him about being unable to take him for a wonderful night on the town, he was kind and responsive and basically said he just enjoys my company.  Hence, I don't think this is a negative on his part.

Truly I am trying to find negative things to say about him.  Recently, with someone else in my life, I overlooked tell tale negative signs and I don't want to repeat that with K.  While married, I used to also "spin" negatives about my ex and I refuse to do that ever again.

For the past two weekends, we've spent a decent amount of time together.  Both weekends when we weren't together he was at his second job, so but for about those 16 hours, we spent nearly the entire weekends together.  Never once during those weekends did he do anything that bothered me (i.e. he didn't hit any pet peeves).  I never once said to myself "I'm bored."  Yesterday afternoon was a nice afternoon delight then cooking and baking together, eating, cleaning up, talking a bit and just lounging on the couch.  At one point, he knew I had some thinking to do about my career issues and he made me sit and do the thinking while he busied himself elsewhere.  It was all just very comfortable and pleasant like the rest of our time together.

I need to figure out when pretenses start wearing off.  Then I wonder:  I'm being just plain, old, dorky, quirky, goofy me through this whole thing because I don't want to present any pretenses.  What if he's applying the same thought and he is just as he's been for the last month.  Time will tell, I know.  And I'll just keep saying he hasn't turned into a frog yet...and I hope I'm not a frog either.

Food for thought

Did I mention K can cook.  This man really can cook.  It's not a skill I claim to possess.  I can cook well but I don't enjoy the act and things don't always come out the way I want, so I tell people I can't.  For some reason, though, I was honest with him and told him I knew a bit about cooking.  He does, however, still claim I sandbagged on my cooking skills/knowledge comments because what I do know seems to impress him.

He was, for example, extremely tickled that I understood to take care with cleaning well-seasoned pans.

The first time he cooked he made tri-tip, prawns (huge ones), orzo salad and bruschetta.  Earlier this week we had appetizers at his place: he whipped up crab stuffed mushroom, prosciutto and cheese plate.  Thursday was halibut cheeks, couscous, asparagus and broccolini sautéd with lemon.  Last night was ox tail ragu.  This man loves his food and knows how to prepare it.  Every first bite is a bit of heaven.

On top of that, he's picked some really good restaurants.  I hate going to chain restaurants like Outback or Applebee's.  I'd rather spend a similar amount of money going to some place local.  Perhaps I'm a food snob: I feel like the quality is better when you aren't at a chain restaurant.  Things taste more vibrant  Luckily, the metropolitan area where we live has a lot of options and he also prefers local places over chains.

When he cooks, he insists that I take home leftovers, allegedly because he doesn't like leftovers.  Sometimes, though, I think it's because he wants to make sure I'm eating enough.

All this food is a good and bad thing.  It's a good thing because my appetite seems to have returned.  Part of me thinks it's just the joy of spending time with him. Part of it is that he really does cook very well.  It's a healthy thing that I'm eating more:  I really struggled for about the last three months with consuming enough calories because things just didn't taste all that good to me.  Honestly, there were days where it was pretty hard to make myself consume even the basic 1200 calories.  It was bad enough that my family still asks "did you eat today" when they see me.

The bad thing is I worked really hard to loose a bunch of weight and I fear putting it back on.  I'm still keeping up, mostly, with my running.  But I haven't biked for two weeks and had to return the loaner bike, so I likely won't bike for another two weeks.  I do eat fairly light when I'm not with him, but still.

And, in case you were wondering, I don't think my lack of appetite was purposefully aimed at the weight loss.  I lost nearly all the weight just by exercise and making small changes to my eating habits.  But I didn't ever consciously say "Hey, I'm not eating today because I'll loose weight."  In fact, my lack of appetite made my weight loss plateau and I recognize the body chemistry thing that you do need incoming fuel.  While I've been struggling with the appetite thing I've only lost 2-3 pounds, so, no, it was not meant to be a weight loss tool (and it shouldn't be - healthy weight loss is through exercise and diet changes).

As I've said elsewhere, I'm a curvy girl.  I like most of my current curves, but still want to loose a few more pounds.  At the same time, it made me feel okay about being a curvy girl last night when K said he really likes that I have an appetite and enjoy his food.  Little did he know I was just storing calories because I knew we'd be burning them off shortly thereafter.  Oh, and I needed the fuel for this morning, too.  Does this all count as exercise?

Over thinking is...stupid

Earlier I wrote that I usually fall for a mind connection coupled with a sort of physical connection and with K I felt like I was falling for a strong physical connection but finding the mind thing was growing.  I'm re-evaluating that analysis and here's why:  for some reason, I felt compelled today to save the emails we exchanged on the online dating service's email system.  I re-read much of what we talked about for more than a week before we ever met.  And we talked quite a bit via our email exchanges (our typical emails to each other were as long, or longer than, this post).

It wasn't a deep philosophical discussion...but looking back on it, I realize that I was already mentally engaged with this man on a certain level.  It was, for the most part, more of the life is too short, let's figure out what is fun and do it kind of thing.  Fun was missing from much of my life for the past decade, so, in fact, it is the kind of level I wanted to be most engaged on because when I first met K I was initially looking more for just fun times than a serious relationship.  Sure, we did discuss in those early emails a few deeper things.  But today, recognizing that he had already engaged a certain part of my mind made me realize I over think things.

Then in my over thinking about whether I over think things (hey-I never said I was uncomplicated), I also realized that- WHAM- I really did feel an instantaneous physical attraction to him unlike I've felt for nearly every past lover and that likely confused me on the issue.  I walked into the wine/tapas bar where we met for our first date, looked over at him sitting at a table and was instantly thinking "Oh My God" before I ever even heard his voice. As I sat there that night, the giddy girl in me thought "He's too cute for me."  He says he was having similar thoughts that first night but was also really enjoying my stories and laughter.

He makes me feel beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and happy.  Having him physically next to me makes these feelings stronger.  He makes me feel safe when I'm with him.  When I talked to him recently about some career issues, it became clear that he was worrying that I was pulling away from a relationship with him.  Yet, he had the capacity to tell me he would support whatever decision I made regardless of the personal cost to him.  He was relieved when I said the career sorting was still going to be in the city where we live (he was worried I was leaving town during this discussion).

Tonight we're going to the local symphony.  How cool is that?  That was one of the weird things.  In January, I started trying to learn the words to O Fortuna from Carmina Burana.  I've been obsessed with this piece for six months, although I previously enjoyed it in general terms.  One night, K and I were talking and I put the radio to the same station to which he was listening to minimize the noise confusion.  Normally, I ignore commercials, but that night, I just heard a snippet about the local symphony doing Carmina Burana and I made the comment that it was a piece that really interested me.  He immediately responded that just that day he purchased tickets and was thinking about asking me.  I don't know why...these coincidences are just making me stop and go hmmmm again.

Yet...I am still over thinking the whole using the word "love" to describe the things going on between us.  It might be his normal mode of communication.  It makes me pause, though, when he says "I love this company" referring to me as "this company."  Or when I had to leave early this morning and he said he never wants to let me go.  Technically, it's too early for those kinds of statements.  But, truth be told (since I aim to be honest), it makes me happy that someone cares enough for me to say them.  The romantic in me likes to hear these things regardless of the date on the calendar.  I do, very much, like the possibility that he means the subtext that sometimes blares in these statements.  The rational woman says I should be guarding my heart.  How can I do both?  I guess that's the next topic for over thinking.  Or just maybe I can learn to just go with the flow and not think, think, think so much.

The Chic Says Freak...Freak Out

So yesterday I basically had a mini-freak out.  I'm dating a guy seven years younger than I am, who can out cook me (that's not really saying much). He's the complete opposite in many ways from my ex.  If I wanted to sit down and write a list of the differences, K's list would end up sort of looking like my definition of a "future-him," although I am still figuring out if certain aspects of my nature are truly compatible with him.

And it's been a short time, but I really just like him as a person and really just like hanging out with him in a general way...in a general, non-sexual way, although I like the sex, too (very much so).

So to me that indicates "feelings" are starting to develop.  When I recognized this yesterday, which I don't know why as I sort of already recognized it before, but yesterday it freaked me out a bit.  I started delving into a whole internal debate looking at every action, word and nuance.  For some reason, I started just being generally doubtful of my interpretation of things.  I grew convinced that I was the only one starting to develop "feelings."

I took advice I've actually doled out and talked to K.  It was hard to dive into but I think it was ultimately easier than trying to weather the freak-out storm on my own.  He affirmed why he's a quality guy worth investing some time in.  He talked it through...and acknowledged he is also starting to develop feelings.  Let's just say I'm happy I'm getting brave enough to just lay things on the table.  This is such a refreshing change.

Now the goofball in me has to say....I hope he's not just a figment of my imagination.

Is this weird...

This morning, I woke around 2:40.  I refused to look at the clock because my theory is knowing the time just makes me wake up more.  Lying there, I wondered if K would be weirded out if I sent him an email in the middle of the night.  Honestly, after sleeping with his arms around me for the previous three nights, I missed his body next to mine and thought about telling him so.  But questioning my navigating skills, I decided not to say anything.  After pondering for about 30 minutes, I looked at the clock and it was 3:16 a.m.  I guess that means I was awake closer to 2:45.

Here's the weird part:  when I woke up this morning around 5:15 a.m., this time I got on the computer and opened email...and K had sent me an email at 3:05 a.m.  While I was laying in bed, thinking of emailing him, he was in fact doing the same thing, only being brave enough to take action on the thought.

He missed having me next to him, too.

We were awake, in the middle of the night, at the same time, thinking about each other in the same moments.

Is that weird?

What the???

So in my divorce recovery, I took inventory of my life.  Through that process, I started reading things on the internet because I decided I deserved, among other things, a substantially improved sex life.  Sex is not "everything" but when you think about all the side benefits, it's important.  It is, as I knew but was reminded by a friend, a form of the most intimate communication.  It is good exercise, if you are actively participating, that is.  I think it makes my skin glow...or that just might be the glow of happiness.

In my inventory process and subsequent research, I began corresponding with Mr. Frenulum.*  Those exchanges helped me more precisely define my "future-him" and what traits I want for a more fulfilling sexual side.  I promise I haven't whipped out the Cosmo list of things I want.  But the early discussions and activities with K include some of the things I very much want.  He also seems open to considering other things that may not have been previously on his own radar but in which I have an interest.

I, however, am not giving you specific details because that is something between K and I.  I believe it suffices to say that I am happy to be on this path at this moment in time.

But the ever diligent inquisitor also never leaves my head.  I've known this man 19 days and, yes, I have already had sex with him if you were unclear.  Is that too fast?  In the moments with him, it feels just comfortable.  Away from him, I question the appropriateness.

Then I realize:  it's my life and I'll do what the ??? I want with it because I am not hurting anyone by enjoying this right now.  The inquisitor says: "Ah, but you might hurt yourself in the future."  That statement has held me back for far too long and I think I would like to turn it off for a while.

Yesterday, I got disappointing news:  I did not get a job that I was really interested in and which I had a fairly positive interview a couple of weeks ago.  I was sad for about an hour.  Then I realized that wallowing didn't change anything.  I still wouldn't have the job when I was done wallowing, whether I pouted for an hour or days.  Wallowing only made the sadness linger longer.  I think questioning the future hurt that could, potentially, never arrive is like wallowing.  In fact, questioning a possible future hurt could be worse than wallowing because it will cause my mind to not be in the present.

And let's just say, oh my god, keeping my mind in the present these last couple of days has been so very delightful and enjoyable and spectacular and multi-orgasmic.

As an aside, general awesomeness from K:

(1) When he heard about the job thing, he was supportive and encouraging without a pity party attitude.  It was more of "okay, this happened, sorry it did, but let's figure out how to move forward."  I need more of that kind of support in my life.  I get it from other sources, a bit, but it was just nice to see it in K, too.

(2) He took me out to cheer me up in general but by then I was already happy, in a small (large??) part, because I was spending the evening with him.  Still, we went to three different places for different bites to eat.  I've always wanted to do that "skip around town" thing...turns out, it's his preferred mode of eating out so he can try more things.

(3) When we stopped at a local park to admire the beautiful city views, we sat on a park bench.  He saw a couple taking pictures of each other and, without a word, left my side to go offer to take one of them together...I had the same impulse and was probably two minutes behind him mentally on acting on it.  I have never dated a guy that just does the right thing that often (this is, of course, but one example) without me first leading the way.  I actually felt a little bad because I hadn't acted on my own impulse.  He really objected to me verbalizing my admiration because he doesn't feel people should get credit for simply doing the right thing. Absolutely amazing. Still stunned because he not only did it, but also seems to get that you don't do it for the praise or reward...the doing is important enough on its own.

(4) His family's happiness is important to him even though his family isn't a controlling factor in his life per se.  This one is hard to explain, but he's going on vacation with his parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephews and K really does not seem the least bit bothered that they are doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do - he mentioned that they are doing the vacation for the boys.  That's amazing to me for some reason.  Yet, I don't think he lets his family dictate his life.  He is from a different ethnic background than I am, but when he tells me stories from his past, I've never gotten any hint that his family would object to the kinds of friends he keeps.

There's more...but these are just a few of the happy highlights that came to mind as I ramble on here.

And there are two little areas of concern:

(1) He seems concerned about being my "rebound" guy, even though my divorce was two years ago.  I can't explain to him any better why he isn't.  So we joked today that by Date 15, the label would no longer apply.  With some creative analysis on the things we've done over the last 19 days, I actually got the Date tally to 15 as of this morning's, ah-hem, Date.  Yet, I wonder if we shouldn't have a serious discussion about it.  He had what he's implied was a hard break up about a year ago...maybe I'm his rebound girl.  I think I must ponder this.  He's reluctant to share that story because he doesn't like bringing baggage...yet, he asks me (and I tell him) things about my ex and I've explained that it's baggage if you let it hold you back; it's life experience if you've learned from it and moved on.  I guess, perhaps, I'm concerned he hasn't moved on, completely, because he's guarding that part of him.

(2)  More than once in the last 36 hours (as in enough that it was noticeable) he's said things like "I love when you do X" or "I love this about you."  I usually say "I enjoy" or "I really like".  It's way too early for there to be things about me that he loves.  I really like this guy; enough so that I don't want to spring into anything too quickly.  I know men communicate differently than women.  But if I were saying "I love these things", I would be telling the other person that I was already falling for him.  The fact that he says them is making me a little concerned about rushing in...even as I keep feeling comfortable as he speaks those words.  I don't get scared when he says it; it's more an intellectual objection that comes on later.  Maybe it's the inquisitor back asking "What the ????" because this is just too fast.  Or it's just right for right now.

I'm sticking with the latter.
______________________________________________________________________
* For those of you interested in it, I would encourage you to read Mr. Frenulum's Blog, or his wonderful body of work.  While not everything he says is on my particular "must have" list, it is delightful mind candy as well as helpful in determining what is important enough to be on the list.