tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-75102446952614980812024-03-13T11:42:43.676-07:00Navigating LifeHecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.comBlogger65125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-61428538255173537872011-10-16T14:36:00.000-07:002011-10-16T14:40:24.720-07:00I love this man....Not much time to write. But here are some facts:<br />
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I finally got a job in a new industry and have been actually pretty happy about possibly leaving my old career completely behind. K took me out on Friday to celebrate landing a new job. We went to a very nice place and the man looks wonderful in a full suit...I'm just saying. While at dinner, he said: "Thank you for giving us something to celebrate." I'm not sure why that resonates with me two days later. It felt like an acknowledgement that there is an "us."<br />
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Last night I dreamed of a particular activity. This morning, still half asleep, I mentioned the dream to K. He asked if he should do that to me...with a special tone in his voice. He really does want to fulfill my dreams.<br />
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We've spent the last four nights together. Last night he said: "This is really, really, really, really comfortable." (Yes, I counted the "reallys"). <br />
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I've been apart from him for about eight hours now. I really, really, really, really miss him...just laughing and talking with him. It's odd to me to miss *him* that much because when I first started out in this relationship, I thought it'd be a good, fun sexual excursion while I continued looking for a job. But when he obviously thinks of "us," fulfills my dreams, is comfortable with me, and I just simply miss him, I start to wonder where we might end up.<br />
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For now, I'm so extremely happy with him in every possible way, that I'm content to just be. <br />
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I love this man....and it's starting to feel like it's a better kind of love than I've given before. And trust me, I've tried really hard to look for bad stuff to say about him and it just doesn't seem to exist.<br />
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ETA: Okay, this week he did make me cry. But it was because he told me that I really do deserve to be happy whether with or without him. He then said that when we met, I knew that I deserved it, but I didn't *know* it. I cried that he would be that aware, early on, and honest. And then I whispered that I want to be happy with him.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-56903154292155026142011-10-02T21:37:00.000-07:002011-10-02T21:37:54.297-07:00BlurtsTomorrow I meet his family. I just started getting nervous.<br />
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Tonight before I left his house, as we were saying good-bye in a unique way, he whispered, "You have one more, let me have it." I began to fear he's reading my emails with Mr. Frenulum.<br />
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This weekend I insisted on helping around his house, getting it ready for his family's visit. I didn't even do that much "domestic" when I was married. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.<br />
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Today, while cleaning, I noticed he has the book "Assholes Finish First" by his bedside. I really try to never snoop around his house: he trusts me enough to be there when he's not; I don't want to breach that trust by snooping. But I was making the bed, had to move the book, and noticed the title. The fact he would be reading it really bothers me and I'm not sure why. I certainly would be offended if he dictated my reading genres. Perhaps its because he started reading it in July, after we started dating.<br />
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Yesterday was the first time I felt like he didn't listen to me. I was making dinner (a rarity) and asked to use a particular pan he hardly ever uses. He said sure. A few minutes later he came in, asking what I was making in it, and then asked me to put it away because he rarely uses it. I feel petty that it hurt, a bit, that he didn't really listen to the question the first time it was asked.<br />
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This evening he said, more than once, how much he appreciated my help. He said he hadn't wanted me to do so much but that he really did appreciate how much I did. When asked why he didn't want help, he commented about it being his house and his responsibility, his burden. But he didn't have a response when I said it's okay to share the burden now and again.<br />
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Tonight he also admitted he purposefully introduced me to his fishing buddy because he knew the gossip chain would happen exactly as it did: that it would get back to his family that we were dating. I plan to ask him later why he didn't want to tell his family about me himself.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-5220539696091596522011-09-24T08:57:00.000-07:002011-09-24T08:57:55.881-07:00Six DegreesI don't think I mentioned it, but at the very end of July or in early August, K said something about meeting his parents if we were still dating in October. This kind of freaked me out a bit and I asked him to not look too far into the future. As I mulled it over, my mind settled into the fact that looking toward the future like that was, in fact, a very positive sign. Well, I also got there through consideration of some thoughtful comments on this blog. =)<br />
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Then I talked with one of my buddies, D, that I met through the online dating site. We went hiking (with K's full knowledge) shortly after D returned from a visit to K's home state. After talking a lot about a relationship issue he was having with the woman he is dating, D then he asked me what was going on. I mentioned the potential of meeting K's parents. D has spent some time in K's state and explained that it might mean something completely different to K than it means to me, since K's home state is much more relaxed and laid back. I can accept that.<br />
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Since K mentioned the meeting the parents thing nearly two months ago, I've diligently avoided bringing it back up. Of course, I'm not absolutely sure I'm navigating correctly, but it felt right to not initiate the conversation. If there had been a mind shift, I wanted him to have the freedom of not being pressured to introduce me to his family (it's actually his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews that are coming to visit). He has dated long enough that I think he knows it means a bit of "something", even if the level of "something" is different. So if the introduction didn't happen, I have already decided I would talk to him about why after the fact because it could mean we view the relationship differently and that's something important to know after four months with him . . . but it wasn't something that needed to be sorted out before the family visit.<br />
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Guess what. I'm meeting his family. And he was the one that brought it back up. I'm not sure if he is actually being a little pressured to do the introduction, though. Here's why:<br />
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He's from a small state but knows a few different people from his home state that live here. Last night K told me that another of his fishing buddies, T, who I met, mentioned to T's friend back home that K and I were dating. T, T's friend back home, and K's brother-in-law all work in the same industry. T's back home friend mentioned it to K's brother-in-law, who, of course, mentioned it to K's sister, who, of course, mentioned it to K's parents. K's sister has already quizzed him on whether they would be meeting "this woman" he is dating. <br />
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In less than six degrees of separation, word got back to his family that he was seeing someone pretty consistently. Yet, I have heard him on the phone telling his mom when he doesn't want to do something (like take a vacation day or two when they are visiting). It seems if he didn't want to make the introduction, he would have told his family no and not mentioned it to me. Okay, and so he had a fun, goofy smile on his face while telling me the story, reinforcing the idea that he's happy about this outcome and not being pressured.<br />
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He once told me he doesn't introduce dates to friends or family. I think it means something that I'm being introduced to both.<br />
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T, who started this chain of events, is also having a birthday celebration for his youngest. The invitation was sent to K's house but addressed to Uncle K and Auntie H. That must have been okay for K because he made a point of keeping the invite and showing it to me (it arrived about a week ago). It was, again, something that he could have just kept from me.<br />
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On top of these things making me feel very emotionally secure with this man, last night he surprised me all the more when we went to bed. He brought an additional element into things and took me nearly exactly as I have craved, but which I've only told him probably 20% of all that he ended up doing. He seemed to know the other 80% on his own. I still feel he's new to this path, but he does seem to figure things out. With that coming so close on the heels of the emotional security, I sit here, writing this out and think: we just took two steps closer to K being my future-him.<br />
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(And then the dual response team in my brain shouts out "We are only taking small, itty-bitty, tinny tiny, baby steps, sister, and don't you forget it!!!!")Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-68742667725601859762011-09-19T16:08:00.000-07:002011-09-25T10:36:54.007-07:00The Falling, Part 5I fell. Again. While fishing. Ugh.<br />
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I honestly don't remember ever being this klutzy. Admittedly, I'm a klutz. But this much?!?!?!?!?! Hurt my wrist enough this time that K noticed, while we were still fishing, that I was holding the rod oddly. He offered me an ace bandage on the way home. <br />
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K also made me fall more for him this weekend. He related a story about his fishing friend commenting how amazing I was when I helped the friend in his small business on Saturday. K said he was told to not scare me away. I responded, "What could you do that would possibly scare me away?" He then admitted the friend hadn't actually said not to scare me away...instead, K was just saying he doesn't want me to go. <br />
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Aw Shucks. I feel really, really, really lucky to have this man in my life right now. Especially in light of his, um, actions this morning. Emotionally and physically things just keep getting better. =) and :o)Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-33479215571634888492011-09-18T12:06:00.000-07:002011-09-18T15:27:38.994-07:00Weirdness???The past two weeks, I've been helping one of K's friends who just started a small business. I've only helped out three different days, but it gives me something fun to do while job searching. Staying busy helps keeps my spirits up. This friend is in K's circle of fishing/home-state friends.<br />
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K also introduced me to a different set of friends last night. These are all the ladies with whom he works at his professional job.* Most of them are old enough to be his mother, so they have maternal feelings about him. I was nervous, but just decided to be myself and found I had a wonderful time laughing with everyone (even though I drank a lot less than most of them).<br />
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The weirdness super question mark in this post is because of the following. I had met the fishing buddy and his wife a couple of months ago and at that time, they quizzed me about how we met...but the fishing buddy asked this week about my view on children and also asked again how K and I met. Then yesterday, his wife asked something similar about children. At first these did not strike me as odd. But then last night, all of his work friends also quizzed me on the same things. <br />
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Separately, K brought up the process of raising children twice in the last two weeks and seemed to be asking my opinions on some things; and last night he went on...and on...about how one of his work friends is on her second marriage and it's really positive for her even though they've already been married sixteen years and that "sometimes the second time is the best." Last night he also said something about no longer being embarrassed about having met through an online dating site because he now knows he found something worth keeping.<br />
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Normally, if these various comments had been spaced out a bit more, it wouldn't be on my mind. But everything coming so close together, and the fishing friends asking questions they already asked a while ago, just makes me feel like K might be saying some really positive things about our relationship. I started this post thinking something was going on....and I didn't start out recognizing the possibility of positive comments from him...that just struck me as I drafted this paragraph. Originally I was thinking something weird/odd was going on. But I think I'm just going to accept that his friends asked these serious questions, and he made some sort of serious comments, all because this relationship is good for him. It's definitely good for me. I think instead of fretting over what these comments mean, I'm just going with the idea it means he's happy when he mentions me.<br />
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*K has a degree with a major and two minors, all completed in four years. :o) His M-F job utilizing his degree and he is on a professional track. His weekend job is at a grocery store and he calls it his "fun job." I think he spends a lot of his time at the store coming up with recipes he wants to try. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-18809651617302259582011-09-18T11:39:00.000-07:002011-09-18T11:39:57.914-07:00Learning curveThe concept of a learning curve applies to relationships and I don't think I ever realized that before. As usual, there's a story behind this recognition.<br />
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We fished Friday evening and K landed seven and kept two. The other five had started showing effects of their migration process, which tends to make the meat less tasty. I, on the other hand, kept getting skunked by those smart fish ~ I lost track of how much bait they stole. But here's a secret: I actually sometimes like to just watch K because of how relaxed he looks when he's focused, so I was happy with our evening.<br />
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Today I built an insulator for K's smoker. The weather has turned a bit, and so to help the smoking process along, we needed to make sure the smoker stays as warm as possible. In my married life, when I contemplated any projects around the house, part of my analysis in the planning stage was making sure I thought through as much as possible because I just didn't want to deal with additional comments or "insights" from the ex...and I didn't want to hear complaints when I was finished with the project. While I was at the hardware store this morning, I started to get a bit of that stress factor going on.<br />
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Then I stopped. K is generally relaxed about pretty much everything. He knows life isn't perfect and it's wasted energy trying to make things "perfect." As someone who works seven days a week, he's also generally thankful when I do things for him (although he says he typically doesn't let anyone do anything for him). In general, he just appreciates the fact that I was willing to smoke his fish and adding the insulator project was "bonus."<br />
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So while starting to fret in the store, I realized that no matter how good or bad the project came out, K would be glad I tried. He might point out things I could have done differently, but he wouldn't be critical of effort I extended. For some reason, I realized when I completed the project that I was generally more relaxed going about it than I would have been three or four years ago. I just rolled with it.<br />
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Guess what. It came out better than I expected. It doesn't match the "perfect" image in my head, but it looks a lot better than I thought it would. Being relaxed about the whole thing made it a lot easier in general, which is what I think made it come out pretty decently. I, of course, thought about the "why" of it all. Ultimately, I sent K a text thanking him for unknowingly teaching me another lesson today: not overthinking/stressing/worrying about stuff sometimes makes things easier...and better. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-48079690713994863532011-09-11T16:29:00.000-07:002011-09-11T17:12:13.105-07:00Three Little WordsLately I've felt a mind shift in how I feel and think about my relationship with K. Last Thursday night, I recognized the mind shift can be traced back to three little words: "<a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/safe-in-his-arms.html">You are safe</a>."<br />
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It was recent, August 19 to be exact, that I first felt the comfort of a man holding me and telling me I am safe with him. Diligently reviewing my past, I still do not recall anyone ever doing that before. I feel like K knew I needed that reassurance more than just to help me return to earth the night of the 19th: he may have very well understood my whacked out reactions to things related to a generalized fear that seems to have been ingrained in my brain.<br />
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I'll give you that this occurred just 23 days ago. But I've not really had any of my normal freak out reactions since then and that's a pretty long time to not even have a minor one given how other things in my life have triggered some down feelings.<br />
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There are two other concrete examples of my mind shifting over these three little words. <br />
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The minor example is what triggered me recognizing how important were those three little words. He told me that he got an email from the online dating site and logged on to respond to the email. He was on an auto-pay for three months at a time, so when the canceling thing came up in July, he had inadvertently paid for his membership until October. In telling me, he assured me there "is only one hottie for him." The fact that he had to log on didn't freak me out like it did last time. Part of it is him telling me upfront; but also I just *knew* he was telling me the truth about logging on not to search but to send a polite "no thank you." Thinking about my reaction, I told him then and there that my mind shifted in how I think of "us" and the shift occurred on the night he held me and told me I was safe.<br />
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The major example is that this weekend, for some practical reasons, he was the only one that was fulfilled sexually. I had a bit of a release, but not to even the normal minimal amount (and, okay, I did really enjoy making sure he was fulfilled ~ yes, Mr. Frenulum you just might have been right in your analysis on this point). Last month, <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/spacethe-final-frontier.html">I was frustrated over a similar turn of events</a> although I'll grant you that part of last month's frustration was because I wasn't an active participant in the way things played out and this time, part of my not getting "everything" was by my choice. <br />
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Today I contemplated the fact that I might not see K and get all the delights that might be until Thursday this week. The thought did not tail spin me. What echoed back from the empty recesses of my mind is that I simply feel safe and secure in the knowledge that eventually what I want will be on the table. I trust this man to eventually fulfill me, even beyond what I think I need. <br />
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I also feel secure and safe in the knowledge that this man actually seems to just "get me." This week we dealt with basically a lie I said. I hadn't talked to him about my mom having a bilateral mastectomy and how worried I was for her. He knew she had a breast cancer diagnosis but hadn't wanted to ask questions until I was ready to talk. I, on the other hand, hadn't wanted to talk to him about it because, like my job search fears, I wanted to protect our time together and be happy in those moments, not worried. <br />
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But I've been kind of distracted (which I think contributed to <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/09/falling-part-4.html">my fall the other day</a>). Wednesday night he asked about me being distracted and if I was worried about something. I lied and said no. Thursday morning, I was really bothered by the lie. It was the only time I haven't been honest with him. My mind kept ringing with the fact that if the situation were reversed, I would want to know what was on his mind so I could help. I sent a lengthy email explaining and apologizing. He then addressed my most pressing concerns on Thursday...and Saturday he asked follow up questions.<br />
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His reaction is that he didn't view it as a lie but more me telling him only as much as I thought he needed to be told. He was completely supportive of the fact I had a hard time telling him; and in the same email, he mentioned that he knows the job search is taking a toll on me. The man is aware enough of me that he sees the parts I try to hide. <br />
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The conclusion: speaking those three words just might mean I don't have to hide. <br />
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And looking at the above words, in black and white, I don't seem to be as scared as I was just a few days ago when I talked about taking a step forward. <br />
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Oh, and those other three little words don't need to be said because by and through nearly every action he already says "I love you" to me. Daily. But he has told me those three little words, too. =)<br />
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<br />Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-84707471682241641242011-09-10T12:37:00.000-07:002011-09-10T12:37:08.708-07:00Still smilingHave I mentioned that K likes to fish? That he saves all his vacation time for fishing? That not even visiting family will get him to use up vacation time unless they are fishing? (And I heard him tell his mom just the other day that he's not taking time off when his parents visit next month, so I know this last bit for a fact).<br />
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And here's the grin: last night he told me I needed to research camping so we could go camping. He said I need to let him know a weekend to go and he'll take off from work. When I pointed out he doesn't use vacation time unless there's fishing, he responded that he knew I wanted to camp this year and the season will be up soon. I smiled at him; I got happy tears (but only in my mind's eye).<br />
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The guy that diligently protects his vacation time was willing to give me some of that time even if fishing weren't an option. Wow. Like super wow.<br />
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Then I told him I'd find some camping with a fishing opportunity and he smiled back at me.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-66240554388391152452011-09-10T12:10:00.000-07:002011-09-10T12:10:11.048-07:00Off topic?A request to my loyal readership of three: can you send positive vibes or thoughts or prayers (what ever is your preference) about a potential job situation for me.<div>
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Yesterday I had a positive phone interview with a recruiter for a job that is a change from my past career path, but using skills I've gathered working with a small company off and on for the last five years. The potential employer wants someone with my type of advanced degree but in a completely unrelated industry, an industry I just happen to have some experience in. The pay is about 2/3 of what I could make if I went back to my regular career path, but this job would be much more fun and I think it will have periods of down time (given the particular life cycle of the industry) that would allow me to have greater quality of life. </div>
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The recruiter was going to recommend the company interview me in person because my resume uniquely matched their search criteria. </div>
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To top it off, the position would also likely allow me to continue doing the projects I've been on for the last five years with the other company...which would bring my earnings nearly back to where they would be if I got a job for which my advanced degree is designed.</div>
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Sorry...it's hard to tell the story and disguise the facts to protect the innocent. =)</div>
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I just really hope to get at least the in person interview because the job does sound interesting. I'm sure I could be of help to the company and just want the opportunity to explain how I could help.</div>
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I titled this post as "Off topic?" because my job search has nothing to do with my dating life. But the question mark is because finding a job does impact my relationship with K. When I find a job, I think we'll both feel much more secure that there is a potential future together beyond my search deadlines. It remains that I'll be looking for a stop-gap job this month if this current lead doesn't pan out. A stop-gap would also help, 'cause I'm really, really enjoying my time with this man and I don't want to think about it ending for a stupid reason like I just can't find a job.</div>
Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-26995737214857371532011-09-10T11:55:00.000-07:002011-09-10T11:55:59.249-07:00What's in a name?My blog name is, of course, a nom de plume. For those that don't know, Hecate is the goddess of crossroads and magic, among other things. It was selected back in December to represent the crossroads I was at, when I gathered my courage to write someone who I now have the honor to call friend. That correspondence remains valued and cherished for the education and the great assistance it gave me in sorting out a part of myself. It remains to be seen, however, if what I learned truly, completely applies to my life. I think some, if not all, of it will; I took a path that lead to greater understanding and I hope to not loose that understanding. <br />
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And today I started to explore further along that path and I gotta say: I love the route I'm on right now. <br />
<br />Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-73292932905564254222011-09-07T14:50:00.000-07:002011-09-07T22:53:34.104-07:00Random Off Topic StuffI'm exhausted from a written "verbal" fight I had yesterday on a discussion board. Basically, someone tried to silence me while complaining my asking questions was silencing someone. I hate double standards. It wasn't her first attempt to silence my opinion, either, so I stood my ground even as we went off topic. On the bright side, some people who post on that board, and who I generally respect, sent me personal messages showing their support. It was nice to have confirmation that I'm not alone in my opinion of the particular silencer. <br />
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Today K sent a text that for some reason struck me as snippy. Then I realized I hadn't eaten at all and it was already 1pm. I think sometimes when I over react, it's possibly related to my blood sugar being out of whack. I came home, ate and feel that it's likely not snippy, just that he was busy at work. I've noticed the correlation before between my eating/lack of appetite and my emotional reactions; but I'm writing it here to have a reminder every time I read this back.<br />
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Literally, every day I battle fear about my future because I am just not finding a job. I'm scared of what will happen financially and professionally if I don't find something soon. My goal this month is to get a stop-gap job, which I hadn't done before because small projects from one company were sustaining me this spring and summer. K doesn't know how afraid I get about this issue because I shield him from it. I think it's wrong that I shield him from my reality.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-54985846157976055332011-09-07T10:13:00.000-07:002011-09-08T09:10:00.288-07:00Insert Happy Face HereToday, K added a little something extra into the mix: the mix before we got out of bed, so details aren't forthcoming. But what he added was something I had just recognized I was craving about two days ago. I hadn't said anything about this particular desire...and it was a kind of minor thing...but I'm going to wear a happy face today because he seemed to innately just know my need.<br />
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Mr. Frenulum and I have discussed certain responsibilities in one kind of relationship. K seems to be meeting some of those responsibilities even though we have not had a deep, detailed conversation about them or the way we are together. <br />
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We are only three months into the relationship and I find it important to still go slowly with sharing our stories. Likewise, I think it appropriate to go slowly with diving into this aspect of our relationship. I care enough about K that I don't want to scare him away; yet he does keep taking things up a step every now and then...sometimes little steps, sometimes regular sized steps. Is a giant step forward scary? It is for me when contemplating taking his hand and leaping forward.<br />
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So now I'm off to ponder why being true to myself is scary. <br />
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PS. I heard recently my loyal readership might actually be up to three! Shout out to SnS!<br />
______<br />
ETA: The giant step forward that is contemplated above is not the "final" step. It's more the idea of getting into further specifics of what I am seeking. The giant step actually requires a multitude of small steps...so please don't think I'm jumping off the deep end just yet. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-54994878173596449402011-09-06T14:26:00.000-07:002011-09-06T19:41:07.759-07:00The Falling Part 4Yesterday we fished (YAY Fishing!!!!!). I also kept in mind a cute picture I recently received and wished my hair looked as nice (Thanks Mr. Frenulum).<br />
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We arrived at the river and started down the embankment...which I then fell down from about a 1/3 of the way up. It was steep and my foot slipped out from under me. I tumbled a few times, thinking to myself as I'm tumbling "I'm infinitely embarrassed." My mind flashed on how the ex would treat me after my klutzy moments. He would often ask "why weren't you more careful?" These things went through my head and I grew more afraid of embarrassing K than I was aware of stopping the fall.<br />
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My right side is kind of beat up. I did a face plant directly into the river. K's reaction? "Babe, babe, babe are you alright? Oh my god. Are you okay?" <br />
<br />
I fell in the river; then fell more in love with this man. I may not know all parts of him, as we are still moving slowly in sharing our stories. But what I know about who he is, how he is, and what he stands for, I love. <br />
<br />
Speaking of my prat fall to my cousin this morning, she pointed out that I finally have a quality man in my life. I already knew this, but this time I paused to think about why, at 42, I'm getting it in a different way, a way that I think will stick this time. I scratched my head (figuratively) at the idea that I could be a smart, strong, independent, thoughtful woman but I would have tolerated for far too long less than stellar quality in my life. A decade gone.<br />
<br />
As I explained to her, I would talk to my ex about forms of communicating; to let him know there was kinder ways to convey his concern besides essentially berating me. But I'm glad I gave up.<br />
<br />
When I later told K about how sore I actually was (because up to then we were fishing, not complaining), he was a little bothered I hadn't said something at least when we were carrying gear out. I had taken care not to exacerbate my sore spots, so I didn't mind carrying gear. But when I also told him the only time I felt like crying was from embarrassment, his response was: "Why be embarrassed. We all fall." <br />
<br />
When I thanked him for not making me feel like an idiot, he asked why should he, and who would do something like that? All I could answer was "me, myself and I" because I will have waves of embarrassment over this for the next few weeks. For some reason, I just don't feel like complaining to K about the ex.<br />
<br />
Can I bore you again and say I love this man? <br />
<br />
Oh, and I landed two fish and lost at least three on the line...K landed four. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-32863423021098025682011-09-02T08:46:00.000-07:002011-09-02T08:46:33.637-07:00Avoiding the Rabbit HoleThis weekend, K is going out of town with some friends. Throughout the past week, he's made an extra effort to do date night things instead of just hanging out at his house during the week. I suspect he was wanting to make up for the fact that he will be gone for the majority of the holiday weekend.<br />
<br />
His effort made me smile, and I enjoyed the events we attended and the time we had together. So this morning (before I prepare to go fish - YAY), I lay here, in his bed, smiling.<br />
<br />
Tuesday my smile increased when he said that he asked his friends to come back a day early because he told them he "had someone, err, something" he wanted to do on Monday (okay he really didn't say "someone" to his friends, but it was a cute funny when conveyed to me). He then said he wanted to spend Monday with me. Consistently, he makes me feel like a priority in his life, which is a welcome change.<br />
<br />
And we get to the but: last night, when I said they might want to stay until Monday if the fishing is good, he said that his friends want to come back Sunday to avoid the Monday traffic. This was the first inconsistency I've heard from him about something that is related directly to me.* Are the coming back at his insistence or their's?<br />
<br />
Guess what. That last question didn't set off the typical alarms in my head. Pondering it this morning, I realized a couple of things:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>It very well could have been him that planted the idea of traffic into his friends' heads because he does want to come back.</li>
<li>Why does it really matter the reason for coming back on Sunday? The important part, regardless of why, is that he wants to spend the rest of his holiday with me.</li>
<li>The way he phrased his comments on Tuesday was aimed at making me feel good and that was, again, an effort toward making me feel like a priority. That effort is being carried through in action, regardless of the words, by him making plans with me for Monday.</li>
</ul>
Right now I'm changing my approach to my job search and I've noticed that the shift in that thinking seems to be helping me shift my thinking about this relationship into what feels like a healthier mode.<br />
<br />
I am consistently inconsistent myself. But I tend to point it out because it relates to the dual response team in my head where I will literally have two conflicting reactions because I see situations from multiple sides. Isn't it a tad unfair for me to expect people in my life to never, ever have inconsistencies themselves? Sure, one should diligently look out for things like "Honey, I'm going to the store" when he in fact goes to the bar ~ that's more out right lying. <br />
<br />
It feels good to over think this point in a way that is making me actually grow myself. When I dated back in college this kind of inconsistency would have made me question my partner. But there's no need for questions this time around. Perhaps it's a better quality person; whatever the cause, I'm happy that I can just breathe and not pull myself into a rabbit hole over something this minor.<br />
______________________________________________<br />
*For those of you keeping track, I may have mentioned a previous inconsistency. That was related to why he chooses to work two jobs; I ultimately decided that neither answer was related to anything to do with me, so it didn't matter if there was a minor inconsistency. Pretty much every other thing he says and does remain consistent.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-27202867842040724902011-08-28T23:46:00.000-07:002011-08-28T23:46:33.769-07:00Things that make you go hmmmAs mentioned elsewhere, K is a great cook. Tonight we were discussing one of my family recipes that I want to make...but which is packed and stored two states away. He likes recipes and jokes that they are his form of porn.<br />
<br />
In the discussion, I said, "I can't wait until I get a job and can move all my things up here to access the things I miss." <br />
<br />
K responded, "If we break up, will you at least send me the recipe?" <br />
<br />
Hmmm.<br />
<br />
So I replied: "It depends on who breaks up with whom. If you break my heart, I'll probably not share the recipe."<br />
<br />
He was very, very quick to offer a pinkie swear, sealed with a kiss, that he would not break my heart. That's our goofy way of making a "serious" (even when being playful) promise.<br />
<br />
Hmmm. <br />
<br />
By training and profession, words are valuable to me. My impression is that he understands that. But I hope he does really "get it." Promising not to break my heart means something to me. <br />
<br />
Hmmm.<br />
<br />
By virtue of a not so good nurture, words like "if we break up" sets alarms ringing in my head. It was said with banter and a light tone. But for me it's not something to joke about.<br />
<br />
Hmmm.<br />
<br />
As I sit here pondering, I wonder if he has a fear of me leaving him. He knows that originally my Plan B was to return to my prior locale if I didn't find a job. Yet, as recently as two days ago, I told him it makes equal sense for me to get just any old job because returning only saves me rent...and I should be able to find a job where I earn enough to at least pay the rent.<br />
<br />
I think he just taught me another lesson ~ that too many times, I take comments too personally, when, in fact, it is equally likely that he's worried for himself and not realizing the impact of his statement on me. <br />
<br />
And now starts the self-recrimination for not assuring him better tonight. Luckily, I see him tomorrow evening.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-73424842631672268732011-08-27T14:49:00.000-07:002011-08-27T14:49:58.353-07:00Fishing Part 2Yesterday I fished for four and a half hours. I caught two fish all on my own. =) Actually, I landed three but one was foul hooked, so I had to release him. When I was working on landing my fourth, the line broke, or my knot came undone (more likely the case) and I lost the fish. So I nearly had my limit yesterday but for a few snafus. <br />
<br />
K cleaned and filleted them for me and today I'm smoking them with a mesquite chip.<br />
<br />
But why is this fishing story on my dating blog (besides the fact that I hear fishermen are supposed to brag a lot)?<br />
<br />
More than once during the evening last night, K said he was proud of me and my fishing ability. It's nice to have my newbie skills recognized and appreciated. He claims he's bad at verbal communication; yet he's more than willing to express that he's proud. Such a refreshing change from "that's great, dear." <br />
<br />
And he let me get all dorky when I was talking about how much fun it was, how you could feel the whole crowd buzz with excitement when people started catching. Well, maybe he just liked hearing the story 'cause he couldn't get out himself. <br />
<br />
I like fishing...and I like this guy. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-72610443163914577142011-08-26T09:22:00.000-07:002011-09-02T21:29:43.690-07:00FishingCould it be a sign of "true love" (and I mean that in a humorous tone)?<br />
<br />
K lives to fish. He loves to fish. He will forgo time with friends to fish and saves most of his vacation time for fishing. For example, when his family comes to visit in October, he isn't taking any days off to hang out with them. The only thing he will not do is call in sick to work in order to go fish. He's extremely responsible about work and has, in fact, never called in sick to any job his entire life. I get discouraged for him because he works two jobs and really doesn't have a ton of time to fish. <br />
<br />
He's introduced me to it and I enjoy fishing, too. I'm finding a zen place in my mind when I cast and reel, cast and reel, cast and reel. It shuts off the near constant chatter in my brain. The lapping of the bay's water against my legs is relaxing. The sound of the tide tumbling against the rocks is soothing. The sunlight dappling off the water, or the sun setting behind gorgeous mountain ranges are beautiful. The briny tang of the air is invigorating. In my troubled, worrisome life, fishing is a bit of a respite. <br />
<br />
But I have not hooked and landed my own fish. <br />
<br />
And the man who loves to fish let me land one he hooked yesterday so that I could understand how the end game feels. He gave up landing one of his own to make sure I was finding the joy in it. It was slow fishing yesterday; he only hooked two and he gave me half of his fun. *Big happy sigh* And the two times before that we fished, he didn't catch anything, so it does seem more of a sacrifice in that light. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-86643463758452489392011-08-21T21:38:00.000-07:002011-09-02T21:30:58.373-07:00The Falling Part 3Last night, when we were supposed to be having a sleep over without any "physical activity", we forgot the agreement and were soon not sleeping. At one point, I fell out of the bed because I am just plainly that dorky...and klutzy...and I kind of slipped off the edge, banging my elbow on the platform frame. It actually still hurts.<br />
<br />
But I feel like it's been a long time since I gave my loyal readership of two something to laugh at. So there you go; laugh with me please because I'm giggling as I write this.<br />
<br />
Oh, and K laughed with me at first then grew very concerned and caring when it became clear my arm was a little tender after all. When I said I was completely embarrassed, he eased my discomfort. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-53755375501313568512011-08-20T09:17:00.000-07:002011-08-20T09:18:21.668-07:00Safe in his armsFrom now on, K gets space whenever he even hints about it.<br />
<br />
Since Wednesday, he's been satisfying my needs (and I his). Thursday night he made me smile, more extremely so than Wednesday night. Last night, he brought a bit of creativity to the mix; he's obviously putting his mind to work. I'm still disinclined to be explicit here; but last night what he added in, it took my body and mind to some place different than ever before with anyone. I once had a similar emotional reaction with someone but it wasn't coupled with the full physical reaction. Last night was truly unique, something I've only experienced with K. My reasoning ability escaped me for a few minutes, my mind stopped processing, not even white noise intruded, and physically, I was later told, my whole body was shivering.<br />
<br />
And K knew to wrap his arms around me tightly, to hold me, and to keep telling me I was safe while he stroked my hair. <br />
<br />
I sit here remembering the feel of his arms around me as my intellect streamed back into my mind. There was the silence of peace and bliss, broken only by the sound of his voice assuring me, with his strength physically manifesting what his words were saying. Later, I thanked him for making me feel safe. His response: "You are safe." <br />
<br />
I'm memorializing this here, and elsewhere, to look upon it when I have those moments of worry and fear. As I write these thoughts, I ask myself: why worry anymore? He is the first man to hold me and tell me I am safe. I felt safe in his arms. I continue to feel safe in the memory of it.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-37443721757403998862011-08-19T09:08:00.000-07:002011-08-19T09:08:17.603-07:00On second thought...I'd really like to edit out some of the <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/spacethe-final-frontier.html">Space...the final frontier</a> post. But I made it my policy when I started this blog that I would only edit posts for mechanical problems (spelling, punctuation, my never ending battle with homophones). I committed to myself that I would not remove posts. Arguably "editing out" is "editing" but it's actually removing a chunk that falls into the objectionable category. So to my two readers out there, please feel free to ignore the <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/spacethe-final-frontier.html">Space...the final frontier</a> post.<br />
<br />
Frankly, I think my substantial worry about the job market really brought me quite low this week. Actually, there's no "thinking" about it: it brought me really down, in a way I haven't experienced for probably three and a half months now. The confluence of those feelings with some questions about K made me ponder, yesterday, way too much the question of space. I would actually have been terrible company for K those few days he was needing space because those were the hardest days I had this week in dealing with the job search.<br />
<br />
Yet, a hug was what I needed most those few days.<br />
<br />
The questions I asked in the post are still valid. I just don't think I needed to spend so much time fussing over them. Only time and further discussions with K will answer them. And that's all I need to know for now.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-7100781676054779562011-08-18T14:06:00.000-07:002011-08-19T09:15:55.890-07:00Space...the final frontierThis week we dealt with the issue of space. Let me share the context because I'm still sorting out things. It's a confluence of feelings and sexual need, so I may be stating a touch more of the sexual side of things than I will state in the future.<br />
<br />
Perhaps this is the first crack...and I worked really hard at not over thinking what this all meant. Still, I feel I need to talk about it even if just to myself. The whole situation has left me feeling a bit disconnected from K; but this week I also had really overwhelming negative feelings about my job search, so in that muddled state, I could be confusing myself.<br />
<br />
Last Thursday, K was teaching me to tie knots, as I've recently learned I enjoy fishing. He playfully placed the rope (loosely of course) around my neck. This started the wheels spinning in the most delightful way. He then made more than a few jesters that left me thinking he was taking things to a different level. But that night there was no culmination for me, only him.<br />
<br />
It was the first time that he did not also respond in kind; it was unusual for him to not look out for my needs as well and it made me feel a bit lost. Honestly, it left me frustrated in a way I did not anticipate and is making me question control concepts even though control has not been turned over to him. He hasn't earned the privilege or right to only look out for himself; to me we are still in a place where mutual satisfaction, a give and take, are appropriate.<br />
<br />
We went out to a play on Friday, but then when it was over, it was clear he did not want me to go home with him. That was a bit confusing because of comments he made during the day that indicated he was interested. But I knew he was tired from work so I also understood where he was coming from even if it meant I would continue feeling frustrated.<br />
<br />
Saturday, I expressly asked if we could deal with my frustration, although I stated it in different terms with him and kept things playful. But we went fishing after he got off from his second job and by the time we made it back to his place, we were, initially, too tired for further physical activity. My shower revived me enough, but I could tell he was still too tired himself.<br />
<br />
Waking on Sunday, we didn't have enough time before he had to leave to his second job. But it was clear he was ready; knowing how little time we had, I consciously chose not to start something that could not be finished for both of us and other than an obvious sign, he made no move to start something himself. On Sunday afternoon, he was substantially more explicit in our text exchanges than he has ever been. Yet, he didn't make plans for Sunday evening, or Monday, or Tuesday. Sunday evening, in light of our off timing over the weekend, I explained that the teasing was more frustrating than fun at that point; still he continued to tease a bit.<br />
<br />
We finally got together last night (Wednesday) and while my frustration was adequately dealt with, things were as they had been with him. Six days of feeling frustrated and confused is making me almost sad. Then I feel stupid that it's only six days and who am I to complain? Yet, I was very unfulfilled sexually in my marriage and I think that makes me sensitive to being unfulfilled this early in the relationship.<br />
<br />
It was really hard for me because nothing was expressly said about him needing space. I did eventually talk to him on Tuesday about his need for space and he said, yes, he needed some space because sometimes he just likes being alone. I completely get that, as when I'm working I sometimes need that, too. But as I explained to him, what he said Sunday seemed to say we'd be seeing each other soon, but then he just went sort of silent that day. In his mind, not making plans was enough to say "I need space." In my mind, when I expressed a need and he teased back in a way indicating he meant to fulfill that need, that left me to speculate why suddenly he dropped the ball and the speculation could have been avoided if he had simply said Sunday that he needed a few days to himself.<br />
<br />
He knows I tend toward over-thinking...about everything. That's not something he does. I honestly don't think he understands why I do it. How could he when I don't fully understand why. I think in an attempt to help me not expend unnecessary energy, he assured me that if something is bothering him, he'll tell me. To me, the need to have some space was something that should have been mentioned and I just didn't understand why he didn't say so on his own and why he left it to me to figure out what was going on.<br />
<br />
Aside from K, my reactions have me re-evaluating how far I actually am comfortable with control. I see almost a return to a balance sheet tally mentality. Yet, I also see myself looking out for my needs to make sure they are addressed. <br />
<br />
When I talked to him on Tuesday, he did end the conversation by saying it was a breath of fresh air that we talk about things. Tonight I intend to find out why talking through something is a breath of fresh air; I'm starting to wonder if this situation stems from limited experience, as from what little he's shared, his relationships don't usually last very long. Granted, two and a half months is not long; but he's intimated that there have only been a handful of relationships that lasted past two months. I suppose this implication also makes me worry, in the back of my mind, if he is nearing an end stage for this relationship, one that I can't discern because he's disinclined to tell me things that have happened before. He hasn't spoken toward the future in any great detail in the last week or two except to say he's torn about an invite he has for Labor Day because it means we won't be able to spend any of the holiday weekend together.<br />
<br />
I feel selfish, though. He works two jobs; seven days a week he is at a "job" of some sort. He spends a lot of time with me, but when that tempo of togetherness is altered without comment and with other conflicting signals happening, I get confused.<br />
<br />
I care deeply for this man; it scares me, though, that I still don't feel comfortable just engaging in stream of consciousness discussions with him about issues like this when they come up. I'm overly contemplative and edit how I pose questions or make points. I want to trust that he'll tell me if something is wrong; but it feels like he failed to do so about something as simple as needing space. Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-29129387365592788342011-08-05T23:58:00.000-07:002011-08-06T00:04:55.221-07:00Why?I started this blog when I was beginning the dating process. Initially, I thought it would take me a lot longer to meet someone with whom I click. Looking back on my blogs, <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/06/um-yeah.html">my very first date with K</a> had a click that did not happen with anyone else. We've only been dating now just over two months. But I'm starting to wonder about why I'm still blogging. The point, originally, was to keep my rationality while going through the process of meeting strangers in a strange land. Now that I have someone with whom I'm very comfortable, why do I feel the need to still share with the world at large (okay, really, just my two readers)?<br />
<br />
I think the answer might be simple: I'm still learning to trust again and I have moments when that comfort slips from my grasp. Yet, those moments are self created illusions (<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: white; line-height: 19px;"><span class="Latn mention-Latn" lang="fr" xml:lang="fr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>à la</i><i style="font-size: 13px;"> </i></span></span></span>the<a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/sabotage.html"> Sabotage post</a>). Having a man's perspective on even a minute portion of what I put down here has helped certain things click into place in my head. Thank you Mr. Frenulum. <br />
<br />
Once I got over my over thinking about K having been on the online dating site, I realized there's been other little hints that he might need some reassurances about our relationship. For the most part, as he makes most of those passing comments, I respond to them in reassuring ways. But it took <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/future-tripping.html">Mr. Frenulum's comment</a> for it to click (again) in my head that men have very similar concerns about the relationship process. I <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/05/little-boxes.html">recognized this long ago</a> when I worried about what boxes to check in my online profile. K needing certain reassurances actually mirrors my need.<br />
<br />
So why do I still blog? Because I still:<br />
<br />
<ul><li>learn from those who take the time to post here - oh wait, that's only Mr. Frenulum :o)</li>
<li>need other input to help me see different perspectives </li>
<li>look back and realize I make connections and then forget them.</li>
</ul>Change is hard; but I think that even if K is not my forever guy, he is helping me learn to change some things about myself that I have disliked: namely how my over thinking some things actually damages the very thing I'm thinking about. It remains that I will still question things; I actually don't want to give up that part of my nature. But what I do want to give up is my inclination to over think and immediately jump to the worst case scenario. Formulating questions to gather more data does not require me to think the sky is falling.<br />
<br />
So why do I still blog? Because I'm also still teaching myself how to do better the next time around. K deserves someone at her best and I intend to meet that challenge.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-78845056797887687062011-08-04T08:19:00.000-07:002011-08-04T08:26:50.756-07:00SabotageI am a saboteur. My mind almost immediately goes to "worse case scenario." It's a condition from the past. It's something that needs to stop. <br />
<br />
In a broad sense (because details are privileged), K answers a great part of a sexual need I have had. He may never go to the full extremes I envisioned, but he does things to and for me and takes me places that I've longed to go. The extent he does go has shut off an almost overwhelming hunger I had for the first half of the year, such that my mind doesn't currently wander to the deeper levels.<br />
<br />
In a detailed sense (because I've gone on about emotional stuff here already), K answers so many of my emotional needs. Struggling with a tough job market, he is my cheerleader, my confidant, my motivator when I just can't do another cover letter. Struggling to come to terms with past decisions that still break my heart today, he is my rock, my safe place to cry, my beacon in what could be an emotional abyss. These are but two critical examples of a man already well vested in my happiness.<br />
<br />
He is the kind of man that I want and deserve. He is not only caring and considerate of me, but of others including strangers. <br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong, things are not 100% perfect with him. I'm not sure 100% actually exists. But he knows deeper secrets about me than even my ex-husband and K has not run. He's shared with me a deep secret of his. Before that understanding, we did have a minor hiccup, but when I didn't run he settled into feeling more secure himself. This, in turn, dealt with the hiccup. <br />
<br />
I am resolved today to no longer be the saboteur. I care deeply for this man; he answers nearly every key point on my relationship wish list; he answers the basics on my sexual wish list (and really, we've only just begun); he answers the generalities on my humanistic wish list. I want him in my life and I am not going to seek out flaws that simply don't exist.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-80267218977226342312011-08-04T08:05:00.000-07:002011-08-04T08:33:12.558-07:00And the answer is....The answer is I'm sort of an idiot.<br />
<br />
K returned to the online dating site to try to figure out how to cancel his membership. He thought he had it canceled and realized when he got his credit card bill he had not. He went on to research the issue and still couldn't find what he had done wrong the first time.<br />
<br />
In other words, he was in the same boat that triggered me going on yesterday, only having less success. Even though he's younger than I am, he is less internet savvy, so his trouble in navigating the site does not strike me as odd. <br />
<br />
In explaining how I happened to be on the service yesterday, he smiled when I said I had canceled my membership. <br />
<br />
Talking about the trouble we both seem to have in canceling the memberships and shutting off emails, he brought up a couple of points that make me think the service simply does not want to let members go, which is why it's difficult to get the dang thing to shut off! We both also laughed at some of the stories we could tell about "fake" ads. In his ever assuring way, he noted he was glad he found someone real.<br />
<br />
And he didn't seem bothered that I had to ask what he was doing on there. <br />
<br />
This morning I told him he makes me feel happy and secure.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7510244695261498081.post-81491025177231131992011-08-03T21:19:00.000-07:002011-08-03T21:21:53.350-07:00Pressure...pressin' down on me.Perhaps <a href="http://hecate-chiaramonti.blogspot.com/2011/08/future-tripping.html#comments">Mr. Frenulum is correct:</a> that K's comment was seeking reassurance and I should stop future tripping. I absolutely don't want a man that thinks about door number two. I deserve to be someone's priority and for the most part, the things K says and does imply I'm important...although I feel like I've slipped in the priority scale a bit this week. Still, he does invest a lot in making me feel important to him.<br />
<br />
So, I have to ask...why has he been on the online dating site within the last week? <br />
<br />
I accidentally came across this information when I was shutting down my membership; I hadn't realized until just before I got busy at the end of July that it was on auto-renew and when I thought I had let it expired, it hadn't. So I went on, and because his profile was linked to mine, it popped up and I could see that he had been on in the last week. His profile is still active, so he wasn't on there to hide it or cancel his membership from what I can tell.<br />
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Yes, I intend to ask him about it...in the next hour even. I hope the explanation is reasonable; but honestly, I'm leaning toward being hurt. Yes, I need more data before I can determine if being hurt is justified in the least. I hope it's not. Yes, I recognize this inclination toward hurt is because I have been cheated on in the past. I know he is not that man and he is the kind of person that would not cheat. Still...<br />
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Perhaps he was, himself, feeling shaky last week, went there in case I was pulling away, and really was seeking reassurance as Mr. Frenulum suggests. Only talking it through will give any answers; and it is, frankly, pointless to speculate. But I'm writing out some of my worry here so I can be more rational when I talk to him shortly.Hecatehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12468988715226075136noreply@blogger.com0