"The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place
Hey jealousy" ~ Gin Blossoms
So we may have seen a shadow of a real negative. Tomorrow I'm planning to hit the driving range with one of the guys I met before K. I'm going with Guy 2 - B, who knows I just want to be friends. K honestly admitted he was uncomfortable with me going because I met Guy 2 - B through the online dating. K gets huge bonus points for being honest.
While K said he trusts me, something still "pinged" off so I asked. When I mentioned that it sometimes seems like he might have been cheated on in the past, he skirted the issue but admitted he has trust issues. He also said he trusts me because I'm honest about what I'm doing. At least he wasn't that freaky jealous guy that would ask me to cancel. If he had asked, he would have been written off as trying to be isolationist - a definite no-no in my book.
Frankly, in my weird relationship life, I don't remember ever having to deal with the man being jealous. The "love of my life" college boyfriend was a cheater, although at the time I said not technically but today I say he was. We cycled through being "together" and "apart" while also living as roommates (separate bedrooms, house sharing arrangement). In that pattern, he would often "hook up" with someone soon after we decided we were "apart"...but he never had the courage to make a final break from me (ultimately I did that) and he never had the grace to hook up outside of the house. So, yes, I've had to deal with my own trust and jealousy issues before. The ex-husband never acted jealous and almost, in hindsight, seems to have been indifferent. The guy I lived with during graduate school wasn't jealous; and the few guys I dated casually never got to the level of being invested enough to be jealous. I scanned my memory and don't find any clues on how to navigate a guy who might be jealous.
Then I smack my forehead with the palm of my hand ('cause there's no one here to smack my ass for me). I just have to continue being honest and forthright in telling K what I'm doing and with whom. It's his issue to work through. I can help him through it by being my honest self and if the issue doesn't resolve itself, then I have thinking to do.
Is it wrong that I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it's an issue he can work through? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Upon editing this, it does almost seem as if I am.
*rolling my eyes at myself for over thinking AGAIN*
"Cos all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too" ~ Gin Blossoms
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Mr. Frenulum's comment to "Over thinking is...stupid" has me thinking (but not overly so, I swear; or maybe just a tad overly so).
So I'm sitting here thinking of a list of "negatives" that I could give you about K.
And I'm thinking...
Yep, still thinking....
Okay, here's something: he still remains guarded about past hurts. His last great hurt, I've learned, is that he felt deceived by his girlfriend, although he did not use the word deceived. He was "completely into the relationship" and "she acted like she was" but then it turns out "she really wasn't that into it." Those are about verbatim quotes and about the extent of what he's shared.
I wish I knew more but I hesitate to ask too many direct questions, fearing that it's too soon to delve deep. Last night, though, I made a passing comment about my childhood and he said sometime he'll ask me more about it (he's already recognized it wasn't the best). He's interested in knowing but respecting some sort of unspoken boundary we both seem to have. How and when do we break down that barrier? Last night my response was that he might have to share some of the harder parts of his life when I share mine. But Mr. Frenulum's comment makes me remember advice to lead by example. Perhaps he guards himself because there are parts of me I still guard.
Yet, last night when he was talking about some photos on the mantel, he recognized how much his parents did for him growing up, grew teary eyed and wasn't guarded about showing his deeper feelings on that subject. And he could acknowledge that he had a really privileged childhood because he has great parents.
Another possible negative, which I can't ferret out if it is a negative: I feel like he overspends on some of our dates. On the one hand, it feels really nice that someone would like to do that for me; it feels nice to be past my insistence of going dutch; it feels nice to do some of the better things in life I wouldn't be otherwise able to do right now.
Here's an example: he took me to the symphony on Saturday. These were mid-way back from the stage on the stage level, center tickets. I didn't check the website to find out if they were the most expensive ones in the house, but they were pricey (the cost was on each ticket) and very excellent seats. Prior to the symphony, we stopped for drinks and appetizers at a little more spendy of a place than I would go to if I had purchased expensive symphony tickets. He brought high-end chocolates along to enjoy at intermission. Afterward, we went out for more appetizers and drinks at a sort of spendy steak house. So in the totality of things, he dropped a decent amount of cash.
I felt like a princess that night...and I don't remember ever being made to feel that it was okay to be the princess. While getting ready, I had actually grown worried about how I looked and if I would meet his expectations. The second thing he said (after saying Hi) was that I looked really sexy. And he went on that night about how nice I looked. He truly made me feel like a princess.
I also felt inadequate because I couldn't contribute. I thought about picking up the tab at the steak house, but he ordered what he wanted (with my consent) while I was in the ladies' room and ordered a bit more than I was comfortable covering when I thought about getting the tab.
He is, however, at a comfortable place in life. Assuming he was honest on his online dating profile, I have a guess as to how much he makes (although that was not a criteria in picking him to go out with). His parents put him through college, so he has no student loan debt. He did buy his house during the heated real estate market, but I have no idea how much he spent or if he overspent on it. I know he owns one of his cars free and clear and I think he outright owns the other one.
But he's worked two jobs for 13 years he says because he likes to keep busy. I haven't felt he's ever told me anything false, so there's no reason to doubt this statement. Still, I worry. And he wants to do more things next month that could be spendy. If he's actually working two jobs to be able to afford this kind of lifestyle, that makes me feel bad because that kind of lifestyle is nice...but not a mandatory thing on my list (well, occasionally mandatory, but not every other weekend like things have been so far).
I think I'm unable to determine if this is a negative because it's actually my feelings that are causing the question. Since I was 16, I've always provided for myself...and for the marriage, I was more the "provider" than not, so add another decade of also providing for another. It's odd to be in the reverse role.
When I mentioned something to him about being unable to take him for a wonderful night on the town, he was kind and responsive and basically said he just enjoys my company. Hence, I don't think this is a negative on his part.
Truly I am trying to find negative things to say about him. Recently, with someone else in my life, I overlooked tell tale negative signs and I don't want to repeat that with K. While married, I used to also "spin" negatives about my ex and I refuse to do that ever again.
For the past two weekends, we've spent a decent amount of time together. Both weekends when we weren't together he was at his second job, so but for about those 16 hours, we spent nearly the entire weekends together. Never once during those weekends did he do anything that bothered me (i.e. he didn't hit any pet peeves). I never once said to myself "I'm bored." Yesterday afternoon was a nice afternoon delight then cooking and baking together, eating, cleaning up, talking a bit and just lounging on the couch. At one point, he knew I had some thinking to do about my career issues and he made me sit and do the thinking while he busied himself elsewhere. It was all just very comfortable and pleasant like the rest of our time together.
I need to figure out when pretenses start wearing off. Then I wonder: I'm being just plain, old, dorky, quirky, goofy me through this whole thing because I don't want to present any pretenses. What if he's applying the same thought and he is just as he's been for the last month. Time will tell, I know. And I'll just keep saying he hasn't turned into a frog yet...and I hope I'm not a frog either.
So I'm sitting here thinking of a list of "negatives" that I could give you about K.
And I'm thinking...
Yep, still thinking....
Okay, here's something: he still remains guarded about past hurts. His last great hurt, I've learned, is that he felt deceived by his girlfriend, although he did not use the word deceived. He was "completely into the relationship" and "she acted like she was" but then it turns out "she really wasn't that into it." Those are about verbatim quotes and about the extent of what he's shared.
I wish I knew more but I hesitate to ask too many direct questions, fearing that it's too soon to delve deep. Last night, though, I made a passing comment about my childhood and he said sometime he'll ask me more about it (he's already recognized it wasn't the best). He's interested in knowing but respecting some sort of unspoken boundary we both seem to have. How and when do we break down that barrier? Last night my response was that he might have to share some of the harder parts of his life when I share mine. But Mr. Frenulum's comment makes me remember advice to lead by example. Perhaps he guards himself because there are parts of me I still guard.
Yet, last night when he was talking about some photos on the mantel, he recognized how much his parents did for him growing up, grew teary eyed and wasn't guarded about showing his deeper feelings on that subject. And he could acknowledge that he had a really privileged childhood because he has great parents.
Another possible negative, which I can't ferret out if it is a negative: I feel like he overspends on some of our dates. On the one hand, it feels really nice that someone would like to do that for me; it feels nice to be past my insistence of going dutch; it feels nice to do some of the better things in life I wouldn't be otherwise able to do right now.
Here's an example: he took me to the symphony on Saturday. These were mid-way back from the stage on the stage level, center tickets. I didn't check the website to find out if they were the most expensive ones in the house, but they were pricey (the cost was on each ticket) and very excellent seats. Prior to the symphony, we stopped for drinks and appetizers at a little more spendy of a place than I would go to if I had purchased expensive symphony tickets. He brought high-end chocolates along to enjoy at intermission. Afterward, we went out for more appetizers and drinks at a sort of spendy steak house. So in the totality of things, he dropped a decent amount of cash.
I felt like a princess that night...and I don't remember ever being made to feel that it was okay to be the princess. While getting ready, I had actually grown worried about how I looked and if I would meet his expectations. The second thing he said (after saying Hi) was that I looked really sexy. And he went on that night about how nice I looked. He truly made me feel like a princess.
I also felt inadequate because I couldn't contribute. I thought about picking up the tab at the steak house, but he ordered what he wanted (with my consent) while I was in the ladies' room and ordered a bit more than I was comfortable covering when I thought about getting the tab.
He is, however, at a comfortable place in life. Assuming he was honest on his online dating profile, I have a guess as to how much he makes (although that was not a criteria in picking him to go out with). His parents put him through college, so he has no student loan debt. He did buy his house during the heated real estate market, but I have no idea how much he spent or if he overspent on it. I know he owns one of his cars free and clear and I think he outright owns the other one.
But he's worked two jobs for 13 years he says because he likes to keep busy. I haven't felt he's ever told me anything false, so there's no reason to doubt this statement. Still, I worry. And he wants to do more things next month that could be spendy. If he's actually working two jobs to be able to afford this kind of lifestyle, that makes me feel bad because that kind of lifestyle is nice...but not a mandatory thing on my list (well, occasionally mandatory, but not every other weekend like things have been so far).
I think I'm unable to determine if this is a negative because it's actually my feelings that are causing the question. Since I was 16, I've always provided for myself...and for the marriage, I was more the "provider" than not, so add another decade of also providing for another. It's odd to be in the reverse role.
When I mentioned something to him about being unable to take him for a wonderful night on the town, he was kind and responsive and basically said he just enjoys my company. Hence, I don't think this is a negative on his part.
Truly I am trying to find negative things to say about him. Recently, with someone else in my life, I overlooked tell tale negative signs and I don't want to repeat that with K. While married, I used to also "spin" negatives about my ex and I refuse to do that ever again.
For the past two weekends, we've spent a decent amount of time together. Both weekends when we weren't together he was at his second job, so but for about those 16 hours, we spent nearly the entire weekends together. Never once during those weekends did he do anything that bothered me (i.e. he didn't hit any pet peeves). I never once said to myself "I'm bored." Yesterday afternoon was a nice afternoon delight then cooking and baking together, eating, cleaning up, talking a bit and just lounging on the couch. At one point, he knew I had some thinking to do about my career issues and he made me sit and do the thinking while he busied himself elsewhere. It was all just very comfortable and pleasant like the rest of our time together.
I need to figure out when pretenses start wearing off. Then I wonder: I'm being just plain, old, dorky, quirky, goofy me through this whole thing because I don't want to present any pretenses. What if he's applying the same thought and he is just as he's been for the last month. Time will tell, I know. And I'll just keep saying he hasn't turned into a frog yet...and I hope I'm not a frog either.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Food for thought
Did I mention K can cook. This man really can cook. It's not a skill I claim to possess. I can cook well but I don't enjoy the act and things don't always come out the way I want, so I tell people I can't. For some reason, though, I was honest with him and told him I knew a bit about cooking. He does, however, still claim I sandbagged on my cooking skills/knowledge comments because what I do know seems to impress him.
He was, for example, extremely tickled that I understood to take care with cleaning well-seasoned pans.
The first time he cooked he made tri-tip, prawns (huge ones), orzo salad and bruschetta. Earlier this week we had appetizers at his place: he whipped up crab stuffed mushroom, prosciutto and cheese plate. Thursday was halibut cheeks, couscous, asparagus and broccolini sautéd with lemon. Last night was ox tail ragu. This man loves his food and knows how to prepare it. Every first bite is a bit of heaven.
On top of that, he's picked some really good restaurants. I hate going to chain restaurants like Outback or Applebee's. I'd rather spend a similar amount of money going to some place local. Perhaps I'm a food snob: I feel like the quality is better when you aren't at a chain restaurant. Things taste more vibrant Luckily, the metropolitan area where we live has a lot of options and he also prefers local places over chains.
When he cooks, he insists that I take home leftovers, allegedly because he doesn't like leftovers. Sometimes, though, I think it's because he wants to make sure I'm eating enough.
All this food is a good and bad thing. It's a good thing because my appetite seems to have returned. Part of me thinks it's just the joy of spending time with him. Part of it is that he really does cook very well. It's a healthy thing that I'm eating more: I really struggled for about the last three months with consuming enough calories because things just didn't taste all that good to me. Honestly, there were days where it was pretty hard to make myself consume even the basic 1200 calories. It was bad enough that my family still asks "did you eat today" when they see me.
The bad thing is I worked really hard to loose a bunch of weight and I fear putting it back on. I'm still keeping up, mostly, with my running. But I haven't biked for two weeks and had to return the loaner bike, so I likely won't bike for another two weeks. I do eat fairly light when I'm not with him, but still.
And, in case you were wondering, I don't think my lack of appetite was purposefully aimed at the weight loss. I lost nearly all the weight just by exercise and making small changes to my eating habits. But I didn't ever consciously say "Hey, I'm not eating today because I'll loose weight." In fact, my lack of appetite made my weight loss plateau and I recognize the body chemistry thing that you do need incoming fuel. While I've been struggling with the appetite thing I've only lost 2-3 pounds, so, no, it was not meant to be a weight loss tool (and it shouldn't be - healthy weight loss is through exercise and diet changes).
As I've said elsewhere, I'm a curvy girl. I like most of my current curves, but still want to loose a few more pounds. At the same time, it made me feel okay about being a curvy girl last night when K said he really likes that I have an appetite and enjoy his food. Little did he know I was just storing calories because I knew we'd be burning them off shortly thereafter. Oh, and I needed the fuel for this morning, too. Does this all count as exercise?
He was, for example, extremely tickled that I understood to take care with cleaning well-seasoned pans.
The first time he cooked he made tri-tip, prawns (huge ones), orzo salad and bruschetta. Earlier this week we had appetizers at his place: he whipped up crab stuffed mushroom, prosciutto and cheese plate. Thursday was halibut cheeks, couscous, asparagus and broccolini sautéd with lemon. Last night was ox tail ragu. This man loves his food and knows how to prepare it. Every first bite is a bit of heaven.
On top of that, he's picked some really good restaurants. I hate going to chain restaurants like Outback or Applebee's. I'd rather spend a similar amount of money going to some place local. Perhaps I'm a food snob: I feel like the quality is better when you aren't at a chain restaurant. Things taste more vibrant Luckily, the metropolitan area where we live has a lot of options and he also prefers local places over chains.
When he cooks, he insists that I take home leftovers, allegedly because he doesn't like leftovers. Sometimes, though, I think it's because he wants to make sure I'm eating enough.
The bad thing is I worked really hard to loose a bunch of weight and I fear putting it back on. I'm still keeping up, mostly, with my running. But I haven't biked for two weeks and had to return the loaner bike, so I likely won't bike for another two weeks. I do eat fairly light when I'm not with him, but still.
And, in case you were wondering, I don't think my lack of appetite was purposefully aimed at the weight loss. I lost nearly all the weight just by exercise and making small changes to my eating habits. But I didn't ever consciously say "Hey, I'm not eating today because I'll loose weight." In fact, my lack of appetite made my weight loss plateau and I recognize the body chemistry thing that you do need incoming fuel. While I've been struggling with the appetite thing I've only lost 2-3 pounds, so, no, it was not meant to be a weight loss tool (and it shouldn't be - healthy weight loss is through exercise and diet changes).
As I've said elsewhere, I'm a curvy girl. I like most of my current curves, but still want to loose a few more pounds. At the same time, it made me feel okay about being a curvy girl last night when K said he really likes that I have an appetite and enjoy his food. Little did he know I was just storing calories because I knew we'd be burning them off shortly thereafter. Oh, and I needed the fuel for this morning, too. Does this all count as exercise?
Over thinking is...stupid
Earlier I wrote that I usually fall for a mind connection coupled with a sort of physical connection and with K I felt like I was falling for a strong physical connection but finding the mind thing was growing. I'm re-evaluating that analysis and here's why: for some reason, I felt compelled today to save the emails we exchanged on the online dating service's email system. I re-read much of what we talked about for more than a week before we ever met. And we talked quite a bit via our email exchanges (our typical emails to each other were as long, or longer than, this post).
It wasn't a deep philosophical discussion...but looking back on it, I realize that I was already mentally engaged with this man on a certain level. It was, for the most part, more of the life is too short, let's figure out what is fun and do it kind of thing. Fun was missing from much of my life for the past decade, so, in fact, it is the kind of level I wanted to be most engaged on because when I first met K I was initially looking more for just fun times than a serious relationship. Sure, we did discuss in those early emails a few deeper things. But today, recognizing that he had already engaged a certain part of my mind made me realize I over think things.
Then in my over thinking about whether I over think things (hey-I never said I was uncomplicated), I also realized that- WHAM- I really did feel an instantaneous physical attraction to him unlike I've felt for nearly every past lover and that likely confused me on the issue. I walked into the wine/tapas bar where we met for our first date, looked over at him sitting at a table and was instantly thinking "Oh My God" before I ever even heard his voice. As I sat there that night, the giddy girl in me thought "He's too cute for me." He says he was having similar thoughts that first night but was also really enjoying my stories and laughter.
He makes me feel beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and happy. Having him physically next to me makes these feelings stronger. He makes me feel safe when I'm with him. When I talked to him recently about some career issues, it became clear that he was worrying that I was pulling away from a relationship with him. Yet, he had the capacity to tell me he would support whatever decision I made regardless of the personal cost to him. He was relieved when I said the career sorting was still going to be in the city where we live (he was worried I was leaving town during this discussion).
Tonight we're going to the local symphony. How cool is that? That was one of the weird things. In January, I started trying to learn the words to O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I've been obsessed with this piece for six months, although I previously enjoyed it in general terms. One night, K and I were talking and I put the radio to the same station to which he was listening to minimize the noise confusion. Normally, I ignore commercials, but that night, I just heard a snippet about the local symphony doing Carmina Burana and I made the comment that it was a piece that really interested me. He immediately responded that just that day he purchased tickets and was thinking about asking me. I don't know why...these coincidences are just making me stop and go hmmmm again.
Yet...I am still over thinking the whole using the word "love" to describe the things going on between us. It might be his normal mode of communication. It makes me pause, though, when he says "I love this company" referring to me as "this company." Or when I had to leave early this morning and he said he never wants to let me go. Technically, it's too early for those kinds of statements. But, truth be told (since I aim to be honest), it makes me happy that someone cares enough for me to say them. The romantic in me likes to hear these things regardless of the date on the calendar. I do, very much, like the possibility that he means the subtext that sometimes blares in these statements. The rational woman says I should be guarding my heart. How can I do both? I guess that's the next topic for over thinking. Or just maybe I can learn to just go with the flow and not think, think, think so much.
It wasn't a deep philosophical discussion...but looking back on it, I realize that I was already mentally engaged with this man on a certain level. It was, for the most part, more of the life is too short, let's figure out what is fun and do it kind of thing. Fun was missing from much of my life for the past decade, so, in fact, it is the kind of level I wanted to be most engaged on because when I first met K I was initially looking more for just fun times than a serious relationship. Sure, we did discuss in those early emails a few deeper things. But today, recognizing that he had already engaged a certain part of my mind made me realize I over think things.
Then in my over thinking about whether I over think things (hey-I never said I was uncomplicated), I also realized that- WHAM- I really did feel an instantaneous physical attraction to him unlike I've felt for nearly every past lover and that likely confused me on the issue. I walked into the wine/tapas bar where we met for our first date, looked over at him sitting at a table and was instantly thinking "Oh My God" before I ever even heard his voice. As I sat there that night, the giddy girl in me thought "He's too cute for me." He says he was having similar thoughts that first night but was also really enjoying my stories and laughter.
He makes me feel beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and happy. Having him physically next to me makes these feelings stronger. He makes me feel safe when I'm with him. When I talked to him recently about some career issues, it became clear that he was worrying that I was pulling away from a relationship with him. Yet, he had the capacity to tell me he would support whatever decision I made regardless of the personal cost to him. He was relieved when I said the career sorting was still going to be in the city where we live (he was worried I was leaving town during this discussion).
Tonight we're going to the local symphony. How cool is that? That was one of the weird things. In January, I started trying to learn the words to O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I've been obsessed with this piece for six months, although I previously enjoyed it in general terms. One night, K and I were talking and I put the radio to the same station to which he was listening to minimize the noise confusion. Normally, I ignore commercials, but that night, I just heard a snippet about the local symphony doing Carmina Burana and I made the comment that it was a piece that really interested me. He immediately responded that just that day he purchased tickets and was thinking about asking me. I don't know why...these coincidences are just making me stop and go hmmmm again.
Yet...I am still over thinking the whole using the word "love" to describe the things going on between us. It might be his normal mode of communication. It makes me pause, though, when he says "I love this company" referring to me as "this company." Or when I had to leave early this morning and he said he never wants to let me go. Technically, it's too early for those kinds of statements. But, truth be told (since I aim to be honest), it makes me happy that someone cares enough for me to say them. The romantic in me likes to hear these things regardless of the date on the calendar. I do, very much, like the possibility that he means the subtext that sometimes blares in these statements. The rational woman says I should be guarding my heart. How can I do both? I guess that's the next topic for over thinking. Or just maybe I can learn to just go with the flow and not think, think, think so much.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Chic Says Freak...Freak Out
So yesterday I basically had a mini-freak out. I'm dating a guy seven years younger than I am, who can out cook me (that's not really saying much). He's the complete opposite in many ways from my ex. If I wanted to sit down and write a list of the differences, K's list would end up sort of looking like my definition of a "future-him," although I am still figuring out if certain aspects of my nature are truly compatible with him.
And it's been a short time, but I really just like him as a person and really just like hanging out with him in a general way...in a general, non-sexual way, although I like the sex, too (very much so).
So to me that indicates "feelings" are starting to develop. When I recognized this yesterday, which I don't know why as I sort of already recognized it before, but yesterday it freaked me out a bit. I started delving into a whole internal debate looking at every action, word and nuance. For some reason, I started just being generally doubtful of my interpretation of things. I grew convinced that I was the only one starting to develop "feelings."
I took advice I've actually doled out and talked to K. It was hard to dive into but I think it was ultimately easier than trying to weather the freak-out storm on my own. He affirmed why he's a quality guy worth investing some time in. He talked it through...and acknowledged he is also starting to develop feelings. Let's just say I'm happy I'm getting brave enough to just lay things on the table. This is such a refreshing change.
Now the goofball in me has to say....I hope he's not just a figment of my imagination.
And it's been a short time, but I really just like him as a person and really just like hanging out with him in a general way...in a general, non-sexual way, although I like the sex, too (very much so).
So to me that indicates "feelings" are starting to develop. When I recognized this yesterday, which I don't know why as I sort of already recognized it before, but yesterday it freaked me out a bit. I started delving into a whole internal debate looking at every action, word and nuance. For some reason, I started just being generally doubtful of my interpretation of things. I grew convinced that I was the only one starting to develop "feelings."
I took advice I've actually doled out and talked to K. It was hard to dive into but I think it was ultimately easier than trying to weather the freak-out storm on my own. He affirmed why he's a quality guy worth investing some time in. He talked it through...and acknowledged he is also starting to develop feelings. Let's just say I'm happy I'm getting brave enough to just lay things on the table. This is such a refreshing change.
Now the goofball in me has to say....I hope he's not just a figment of my imagination.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Is this weird...
This morning, I woke around 2:40. I refused to look at the clock because my theory is knowing the time just makes me wake up more. Lying there, I wondered if K would be weirded out if I sent him an email in the middle of the night. Honestly, after sleeping with his arms around me for the previous three nights, I missed his body next to mine and thought about telling him so. But questioning my navigating skills, I decided not to say anything. After pondering for about 30 minutes, I looked at the clock and it was 3:16 a.m. I guess that means I was awake closer to 2:45.
Here's the weird part: when I woke up this morning around 5:15 a.m., this time I got on the computer and opened email...and K had sent me an email at 3:05 a.m. While I was laying in bed, thinking of emailing him, he was in fact doing the same thing, only being brave enough to take action on the thought.
He missed having me next to him, too.
We were awake, in the middle of the night, at the same time, thinking about each other in the same moments.
Is that weird?
Here's the weird part: when I woke up this morning around 5:15 a.m., this time I got on the computer and opened email...and K had sent me an email at 3:05 a.m. While I was laying in bed, thinking of emailing him, he was in fact doing the same thing, only being brave enough to take action on the thought.
He missed having me next to him, too.
We were awake, in the middle of the night, at the same time, thinking about each other in the same moments.
Is that weird?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What the???
So in my divorce recovery, I took inventory of my life. Through that process, I started reading things on the internet because I decided I deserved, among other things, a substantially improved sex life. Sex is not "everything" but when you think about all the side benefits, it's important. It is, as I knew but was reminded by a friend, a form of the most intimate communication. It is good exercise, if you are actively participating, that is. I think it makes my skin glow...or that just might be the glow of happiness.
In my inventory process and subsequent research, I began corresponding with Mr. Frenulum.* Those exchanges helped me more precisely define my "future-him" and what traits I want for a more fulfilling sexual side. I promise I haven't whipped out the Cosmo list of things I want. But the early discussions and activities with K include some of the things I very much want. He also seems open to considering other things that may not have been previously on his own radar but in which I have an interest.
I, however, am not giving you specific details because that is something between K and I. I believe it suffices to say that I am happy to be on this path at this moment in time.
But the ever diligent inquisitor also never leaves my head. I've known this man 19 days and, yes, I have already had sex with him if you were unclear. Is that too fast? In the moments with him, it feels just comfortable. Away from him, I question the appropriateness.
Then I realize: it's my life and I'll do what the ??? I want with it because I am not hurting anyone by enjoying this right now. The inquisitor says: "Ah, but you might hurt yourself in the future." That statement has held me back for far too long and I think I would like to turn it off for a while.
Yesterday, I got disappointing news: I did not get a job that I was really interested in and which I had a fairly positive interview a couple of weeks ago. I was sad for about an hour. Then I realized that wallowing didn't change anything. I still wouldn't have the job when I was done wallowing, whether I pouted for an hour or days. Wallowing only made the sadness linger longer. I think questioning the future hurt that could, potentially, never arrive is like wallowing. In fact, questioning a possible future hurt could be worse than wallowing because it will cause my mind to not be in the present.
And let's just say, oh my god, keeping my mind in the present these last couple of days has been so very delightful and enjoyable and spectacular and multi-orgasmic.
As an aside, general awesomeness from K:
(1) When he heard about the job thing, he was supportive and encouraging without a pity party attitude. It was more of "okay, this happened, sorry it did, but let's figure out how to move forward." I need more of that kind of support in my life. I get it from other sources, a bit, but it was just nice to see it in K, too.
(2) He took me out to cheer me up in general but by then I was already happy, in a small (large??) part, because I was spending the evening with him. Still, we went to three different places for different bites to eat. I've always wanted to do that "skip around town" thing...turns out, it's his preferred mode of eating out so he can try more things.
(3) When we stopped at a local park to admire the beautiful city views, we sat on a park bench. He saw a couple taking pictures of each other and, without a word, left my side to go offer to take one of them together...I had the same impulse and was probably two minutes behind him mentally on acting on it. I have never dated a guy that just does the right thing that often (this is, of course, but one example) without me first leading the way. I actually felt a little bad because I hadn't acted on my own impulse. He really objected to me verbalizing my admiration because he doesn't feel people should get credit for simply doing the right thing. Absolutely amazing. Still stunned because he not only did it, but also seems to get that you don't do it for the praise or reward...the doing is important enough on its own.
(4) His family's happiness is important to him even though his family isn't a controlling factor in his life per se. This one is hard to explain, but he's going on vacation with his parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephews and K really does not seem the least bit bothered that they are doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do - he mentioned that they are doing the vacation for the boys. That's amazing to me for some reason. Yet, I don't think he lets his family dictate his life. He is from a different ethnic background than I am, but when he tells me stories from his past, I've never gotten any hint that his family would object to the kinds of friends he keeps.
There's more...but these are just a few of the happy highlights that came to mind as I ramble on here.
And there are two little areas of concern:
(1) He seems concerned about being my "rebound" guy, even though my divorce was two years ago. I can't explain to him any better why he isn't. So we joked today that by Date 15, the label would no longer apply. With some creative analysis on the things we've done over the last 19 days, I actually got the Date tally to 15 as of this morning's, ah-hem, Date. Yet, I wonder if we shouldn't have a serious discussion about it. He had what he's implied was a hard break up about a year ago...maybe I'm his rebound girl. I think I must ponder this. He's reluctant to share that story because he doesn't like bringing baggage...yet, he asks me (and I tell him) things about my ex and I've explained that it's baggage if you let it hold you back; it's life experience if you've learned from it and moved on. I guess, perhaps, I'm concerned he hasn't moved on, completely, because he's guarding that part of him.
(2) More than once in the last 36 hours (as in enough that it was noticeable) he's said things like "I love when you do X" or "I love this about you." I usually say "I enjoy" or "I really like". It's way too early for there to be things about me that he loves. I really like this guy; enough so that I don't want to spring into anything too quickly. I know men communicate differently than women. But if I were saying "I love these things", I would be telling the other person that I was already falling for him. The fact that he says them is making me a little concerned about rushing in...even as I keep feeling comfortable as he speaks those words. I don't get scared when he says it; it's more an intellectual objection that comes on later. Maybe it's the inquisitor back asking "What the ????" because this is just too fast. Or it's just right for right now.
I'm sticking with the latter.
______________________________________________________________________
* For those of you interested in it, I would encourage you to read Mr. Frenulum's Blog, or his wonderful body of work. While not everything he says is on my particular "must have" list, it is delightful mind candy as well as helpful in determining what is important enough to be on the list.
In my inventory process and subsequent research, I began corresponding with Mr. Frenulum.* Those exchanges helped me more precisely define my "future-him" and what traits I want for a more fulfilling sexual side. I promise I haven't whipped out the Cosmo list of things I want. But the early discussions and activities with K include some of the things I very much want. He also seems open to considering other things that may not have been previously on his own radar but in which I have an interest.
I, however, am not giving you specific details because that is something between K and I. I believe it suffices to say that I am happy to be on this path at this moment in time.
But the ever diligent inquisitor also never leaves my head. I've known this man 19 days and, yes, I have already had sex with him if you were unclear. Is that too fast? In the moments with him, it feels just comfortable. Away from him, I question the appropriateness.
Then I realize: it's my life and I'll do what the ??? I want with it because I am not hurting anyone by enjoying this right now. The inquisitor says: "Ah, but you might hurt yourself in the future." That statement has held me back for far too long and I think I would like to turn it off for a while.
Yesterday, I got disappointing news: I did not get a job that I was really interested in and which I had a fairly positive interview a couple of weeks ago. I was sad for about an hour. Then I realized that wallowing didn't change anything. I still wouldn't have the job when I was done wallowing, whether I pouted for an hour or days. Wallowing only made the sadness linger longer. I think questioning the future hurt that could, potentially, never arrive is like wallowing. In fact, questioning a possible future hurt could be worse than wallowing because it will cause my mind to not be in the present.
And let's just say, oh my god, keeping my mind in the present these last couple of days has been so very delightful and enjoyable and spectacular and multi-orgasmic.
As an aside, general awesomeness from K:
(1) When he heard about the job thing, he was supportive and encouraging without a pity party attitude. It was more of "okay, this happened, sorry it did, but let's figure out how to move forward." I need more of that kind of support in my life. I get it from other sources, a bit, but it was just nice to see it in K, too.
(2) He took me out to cheer me up in general but by then I was already happy, in a small (large??) part, because I was spending the evening with him. Still, we went to three different places for different bites to eat. I've always wanted to do that "skip around town" thing...turns out, it's his preferred mode of eating out so he can try more things.
(3) When we stopped at a local park to admire the beautiful city views, we sat on a park bench. He saw a couple taking pictures of each other and, without a word, left my side to go offer to take one of them together...I had the same impulse and was probably two minutes behind him mentally on acting on it. I have never dated a guy that just does the right thing that often (this is, of course, but one example) without me first leading the way. I actually felt a little bad because I hadn't acted on my own impulse. He really objected to me verbalizing my admiration because he doesn't feel people should get credit for simply doing the right thing. Absolutely amazing. Still stunned because he not only did it, but also seems to get that you don't do it for the praise or reward...the doing is important enough on its own.
(4) His family's happiness is important to him even though his family isn't a controlling factor in his life per se. This one is hard to explain, but he's going on vacation with his parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephews and K really does not seem the least bit bothered that they are doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do - he mentioned that they are doing the vacation for the boys. That's amazing to me for some reason. Yet, I don't think he lets his family dictate his life. He is from a different ethnic background than I am, but when he tells me stories from his past, I've never gotten any hint that his family would object to the kinds of friends he keeps.
There's more...but these are just a few of the happy highlights that came to mind as I ramble on here.
And there are two little areas of concern:
(1) He seems concerned about being my "rebound" guy, even though my divorce was two years ago. I can't explain to him any better why he isn't. So we joked today that by Date 15, the label would no longer apply. With some creative analysis on the things we've done over the last 19 days, I actually got the Date tally to 15 as of this morning's, ah-hem, Date. Yet, I wonder if we shouldn't have a serious discussion about it. He had what he's implied was a hard break up about a year ago...maybe I'm his rebound girl. I think I must ponder this. He's reluctant to share that story because he doesn't like bringing baggage...yet, he asks me (and I tell him) things about my ex and I've explained that it's baggage if you let it hold you back; it's life experience if you've learned from it and moved on. I guess, perhaps, I'm concerned he hasn't moved on, completely, because he's guarding that part of him.
(2) More than once in the last 36 hours (as in enough that it was noticeable) he's said things like "I love when you do X" or "I love this about you." I usually say "I enjoy" or "I really like". It's way too early for there to be things about me that he loves. I really like this guy; enough so that I don't want to spring into anything too quickly. I know men communicate differently than women. But if I were saying "I love these things", I would be telling the other person that I was already falling for him. The fact that he says them is making me a little concerned about rushing in...even as I keep feeling comfortable as he speaks those words. I don't get scared when he says it; it's more an intellectual objection that comes on later. Maybe it's the inquisitor back asking "What the ????" because this is just too fast. Or it's just right for right now.
I'm sticking with the latter.
______________________________________________________________________
* For those of you interested in it, I would encourage you to read Mr. Frenulum's Blog, or his wonderful body of work. While not everything he says is on my particular "must have" list, it is delightful mind candy as well as helpful in determining what is important enough to be on the list.
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