Over thinking is...stupid

Earlier I wrote that I usually fall for a mind connection coupled with a sort of physical connection and with K I felt like I was falling for a strong physical connection but finding the mind thing was growing.  I'm re-evaluating that analysis and here's why:  for some reason, I felt compelled today to save the emails we exchanged on the online dating service's email system.  I re-read much of what we talked about for more than a week before we ever met.  And we talked quite a bit via our email exchanges (our typical emails to each other were as long, or longer than, this post).

It wasn't a deep philosophical discussion...but looking back on it, I realize that I was already mentally engaged with this man on a certain level.  It was, for the most part, more of the life is too short, let's figure out what is fun and do it kind of thing.  Fun was missing from much of my life for the past decade, so, in fact, it is the kind of level I wanted to be most engaged on because when I first met K I was initially looking more for just fun times than a serious relationship.  Sure, we did discuss in those early emails a few deeper things.  But today, recognizing that he had already engaged a certain part of my mind made me realize I over think things.

Then in my over thinking about whether I over think things (hey-I never said I was uncomplicated), I also realized that- WHAM- I really did feel an instantaneous physical attraction to him unlike I've felt for nearly every past lover and that likely confused me on the issue.  I walked into the wine/tapas bar where we met for our first date, looked over at him sitting at a table and was instantly thinking "Oh My God" before I ever even heard his voice. As I sat there that night, the giddy girl in me thought "He's too cute for me."  He says he was having similar thoughts that first night but was also really enjoying my stories and laughter.

He makes me feel beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and happy.  Having him physically next to me makes these feelings stronger.  He makes me feel safe when I'm with him.  When I talked to him recently about some career issues, it became clear that he was worrying that I was pulling away from a relationship with him.  Yet, he had the capacity to tell me he would support whatever decision I made regardless of the personal cost to him.  He was relieved when I said the career sorting was still going to be in the city where we live (he was worried I was leaving town during this discussion).

Tonight we're going to the local symphony.  How cool is that?  That was one of the weird things.  In January, I started trying to learn the words to O Fortuna from Carmina Burana.  I've been obsessed with this piece for six months, although I previously enjoyed it in general terms.  One night, K and I were talking and I put the radio to the same station to which he was listening to minimize the noise confusion.  Normally, I ignore commercials, but that night, I just heard a snippet about the local symphony doing Carmina Burana and I made the comment that it was a piece that really interested me.  He immediately responded that just that day he purchased tickets and was thinking about asking me.  I don't know why...these coincidences are just making me stop and go hmmmm again.

Yet...I am still over thinking the whole using the word "love" to describe the things going on between us.  It might be his normal mode of communication.  It makes me pause, though, when he says "I love this company" referring to me as "this company."  Or when I had to leave early this morning and he said he never wants to let me go.  Technically, it's too early for those kinds of statements.  But, truth be told (since I aim to be honest), it makes me happy that someone cares enough for me to say them.  The romantic in me likes to hear these things regardless of the date on the calendar.  I do, very much, like the possibility that he means the subtext that sometimes blares in these statements.  The rational woman says I should be guarding my heart.  How can I do both?  I guess that's the next topic for over thinking.  Or just maybe I can learn to just go with the flow and not think, think, think so much.