The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Mr. Frenulum's comment to "Over thinking is...stupid" has me thinking (but not overly so, I swear; or maybe just a tad overly so).

So I'm sitting here thinking of a list of "negatives" that I could give you about K.

And I'm thinking...

Yep, still thinking....

Okay, here's something:  he still remains guarded about past hurts.  His last great hurt, I've learned, is that he felt deceived by his girlfriend, although he did not use the word deceived.  He was "completely into the relationship" and "she acted like she was" but then it turns out "she really wasn't that into it."  Those are about verbatim quotes and about the extent of what he's shared.

I wish I knew more but I hesitate to ask too many direct questions, fearing that it's too soon to delve deep.  Last night, though, I made a passing comment about my childhood and he said sometime he'll ask me more about it (he's already recognized it wasn't the best).  He's interested in knowing but respecting some sort of unspoken boundary we both seem to have.  How and when do we break down that barrier?  Last night my response was that he might have to share some of the harder parts of his life when I share mine.  But Mr. Frenulum's comment makes me remember advice to lead by example.  Perhaps he guards himself because there are parts of me I still guard.

Yet, last night when he was talking about some photos on the mantel, he recognized how much his parents did for him growing up, grew teary eyed and wasn't guarded about showing his deeper feelings on that subject.  And he could acknowledge that he had a really privileged childhood because he has great parents.

Another possible negative, which I can't ferret out if it is a negative:  I feel like he overspends on some of our dates.  On the one hand, it feels really nice that someone would like to do that for me; it feels nice to be past my insistence of going dutch; it feels nice to do some of the better things in life I wouldn't be otherwise able to do right now.

Here's an example:  he took me to the symphony on Saturday.  These were mid-way back from the stage on the stage level, center tickets.  I didn't check the website to find out if they were the most expensive ones in the house, but they were pricey (the cost was on each ticket) and very excellent seats.  Prior to the symphony, we stopped for drinks and appetizers at a little more spendy of a place than I would go to if I had purchased expensive symphony tickets.  He brought high-end chocolates along to enjoy at intermission.  Afterward, we went out for more appetizers and drinks at a sort of spendy steak house.  So in the totality of things, he dropped a decent amount of cash.

I felt like a princess that night...and I don't remember ever being made to feel that it was okay to be the princess.  While getting ready, I had actually grown worried about how I looked and if I would meet his expectations.  The second thing he said (after saying Hi) was that I looked really sexy.  And he went on that night about how nice I looked.  He truly made me feel like a princess.

I also felt inadequate because I couldn't contribute.  I thought about picking up the tab at the steak house, but he ordered what he wanted (with my consent) while I was in the ladies' room and ordered a bit more than I was comfortable covering when I thought about getting the tab.

He is, however, at a comfortable place in life.  Assuming he was honest on his online dating profile, I have a guess as to how much he makes (although that was not a criteria in picking him to go out with).  His parents put him through college, so he has no student loan debt.  He did buy his house during the heated real estate market, but I have no idea how much he spent or if he overspent on it.  I know he owns one of his cars free and clear and I think he outright owns the other one.

But he's worked two jobs for 13 years he says because he likes to keep busy.  I haven't felt he's ever told me anything false, so there's no reason to doubt this statement.  Still, I worry.  And he wants to do more things next month that could be spendy.  If he's actually working two jobs to be able to afford this kind of lifestyle, that makes me feel bad because that kind of lifestyle is nice...but not a mandatory thing on my list (well, occasionally mandatory, but not every other weekend like things have been so far).

I think I'm unable to determine if this is a negative because it's actually my feelings that are causing the question.  Since I was 16, I've always provided for myself...and for the marriage, I was more the "provider" than not, so add another decade of also providing for another.  It's odd to be in the reverse role.

When I mentioned something to him about being unable to take him for a wonderful night on the town, he was kind and responsive and basically said he just enjoys my company.  Hence, I don't think this is a negative on his part.

Truly I am trying to find negative things to say about him.  Recently, with someone else in my life, I overlooked tell tale negative signs and I don't want to repeat that with K.  While married, I used to also "spin" negatives about my ex and I refuse to do that ever again.

For the past two weekends, we've spent a decent amount of time together.  Both weekends when we weren't together he was at his second job, so but for about those 16 hours, we spent nearly the entire weekends together.  Never once during those weekends did he do anything that bothered me (i.e. he didn't hit any pet peeves).  I never once said to myself "I'm bored."  Yesterday afternoon was a nice afternoon delight then cooking and baking together, eating, cleaning up, talking a bit and just lounging on the couch.  At one point, he knew I had some thinking to do about my career issues and he made me sit and do the thinking while he busied himself elsewhere.  It was all just very comfortable and pleasant like the rest of our time together.

I need to figure out when pretenses start wearing off.  Then I wonder:  I'm being just plain, old, dorky, quirky, goofy me through this whole thing because I don't want to present any pretenses.  What if he's applying the same thought and he is just as he's been for the last month.  Time will tell, I know.  And I'll just keep saying he hasn't turned into a frog yet...and I hope I'm not a frog either.