I don't think I mentioned it, but at the very end of July or in early August, K said something about meeting his parents if we were still dating in October. This kind of freaked me out a bit and I asked him to not look too far into the future. As I mulled it over, my mind settled into the fact that looking toward the future like that was, in fact, a very positive sign. Well, I also got there through consideration of some thoughtful comments on this blog. =)
Then I talked with one of my buddies, D, that I met through the online dating site. We went hiking (with K's full knowledge) shortly after D returned from a visit to K's home state. After talking a lot about a relationship issue he was having with the woman he is dating, D then he asked me what was going on. I mentioned the potential of meeting K's parents. D has spent some time in K's state and explained that it might mean something completely different to K than it means to me, since K's home state is much more relaxed and laid back. I can accept that.
Since K mentioned the meeting the parents thing nearly two months ago, I've diligently avoided bringing it back up. Of course, I'm not absolutely sure I'm navigating correctly, but it felt right to not initiate the conversation. If there had been a mind shift, I wanted him to have the freedom of not being pressured to introduce me to his family (it's actually his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews that are coming to visit). He has dated long enough that I think he knows it means a bit of "something", even if the level of "something" is different. So if the introduction didn't happen, I have already decided I would talk to him about why after the fact because it could mean we view the relationship differently and that's something important to know after four months with him . . . but it wasn't something that needed to be sorted out before the family visit.
Guess what. I'm meeting his family. And he was the one that brought it back up. I'm not sure if he is actually being a little pressured to do the introduction, though. Here's why:
He's from a small state but knows a few different people from his home state that live here. Last night K told me that another of his fishing buddies, T, who I met, mentioned to T's friend back home that K and I were dating. T, T's friend back home, and K's brother-in-law all work in the same industry. T's back home friend mentioned it to K's brother-in-law, who, of course, mentioned it to K's sister, who, of course, mentioned it to K's parents. K's sister has already quizzed him on whether they would be meeting "this woman" he is dating.
In less than six degrees of separation, word got back to his family that he was seeing someone pretty consistently. Yet, I have heard him on the phone telling his mom when he doesn't want to do something (like take a vacation day or two when they are visiting). It seems if he didn't want to make the introduction, he would have told his family no and not mentioned it to me. Okay, and so he had a fun, goofy smile on his face while telling me the story, reinforcing the idea that he's happy about this outcome and not being pressured.
He once told me he doesn't introduce dates to friends or family. I think it means something that I'm being introduced to both.
T, who started this chain of events, is also having a birthday celebration for his youngest. The invitation was sent to K's house but addressed to Uncle K and Auntie H. That must have been okay for K because he made a point of keeping the invite and showing it to me (it arrived about a week ago). It was, again, something that he could have just kept from me.
On top of these things making me feel very emotionally secure with this man, last night he surprised me all the more when we went to bed. He brought an additional element into things and took me nearly exactly as I have craved, but which I've only told him probably 20% of all that he ended up doing. He seemed to know the other 80% on his own. I still feel he's new to this path, but he does seem to figure things out. With that coming so close on the heels of the emotional security, I sit here, writing this out and think: we just took two steps closer to K being my future-him.
(And then the dual response team in my brain shouts out "We are only taking small, itty-bitty, tinny tiny, baby steps, sister, and don't you forget it!!!!")
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Monday, September 19, 2011
The Falling, Part 5
I fell. Again. While fishing. Ugh.
I honestly don't remember ever being this klutzy. Admittedly, I'm a klutz. But this much?!?!?!?!?! Hurt my wrist enough this time that K noticed, while we were still fishing, that I was holding the rod oddly. He offered me an ace bandage on the way home.
K also made me fall more for him this weekend. He related a story about his fishing friend commenting how amazing I was when I helped the friend in his small business on Saturday. K said he was told to not scare me away. I responded, "What could you do that would possibly scare me away?" He then admitted the friend hadn't actually said not to scare me away...instead, K was just saying he doesn't want me to go.
Aw Shucks. I feel really, really, really lucky to have this man in my life right now. Especially in light of his, um, actions this morning. Emotionally and physically things just keep getting better. =) and :o)
I honestly don't remember ever being this klutzy. Admittedly, I'm a klutz. But this much?!?!?!?!?! Hurt my wrist enough this time that K noticed, while we were still fishing, that I was holding the rod oddly. He offered me an ace bandage on the way home.
K also made me fall more for him this weekend. He related a story about his fishing friend commenting how amazing I was when I helped the friend in his small business on Saturday. K said he was told to not scare me away. I responded, "What could you do that would possibly scare me away?" He then admitted the friend hadn't actually said not to scare me away...instead, K was just saying he doesn't want me to go.
Aw Shucks. I feel really, really, really lucky to have this man in my life right now. Especially in light of his, um, actions this morning. Emotionally and physically things just keep getting better. =) and :o)
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Weirdness???
The past two weeks, I've been helping one of K's friends who just started a small business. I've only helped out three different days, but it gives me something fun to do while job searching. Staying busy helps keeps my spirits up. This friend is in K's circle of fishing/home-state friends.
K also introduced me to a different set of friends last night. These are all the ladies with whom he works at his professional job.* Most of them are old enough to be his mother, so they have maternal feelings about him. I was nervous, but just decided to be myself and found I had a wonderful time laughing with everyone (even though I drank a lot less than most of them).
The weirdness super question mark in this post is because of the following. I had met the fishing buddy and his wife a couple of months ago and at that time, they quizzed me about how we met...but the fishing buddy asked this week about my view on children and also asked again how K and I met. Then yesterday, his wife asked something similar about children. At first these did not strike me as odd. But then last night, all of his work friends also quizzed me on the same things.
Separately, K brought up the process of raising children twice in the last two weeks and seemed to be asking my opinions on some things; and last night he went on...and on...about how one of his work friends is on her second marriage and it's really positive for her even though they've already been married sixteen years and that "sometimes the second time is the best." Last night he also said something about no longer being embarrassed about having met through an online dating site because he now knows he found something worth keeping.
Normally, if these various comments had been spaced out a bit more, it wouldn't be on my mind. But everything coming so close together, and the fishing friends asking questions they already asked a while ago, just makes me feel like K might be saying some really positive things about our relationship. I started this post thinking something was going on....and I didn't start out recognizing the possibility of positive comments from him...that just struck me as I drafted this paragraph. Originally I was thinking something weird/odd was going on. But I think I'm just going to accept that his friends asked these serious questions, and he made some sort of serious comments, all because this relationship is good for him. It's definitely good for me. I think instead of fretting over what these comments mean, I'm just going with the idea it means he's happy when he mentions me.
_________
*K has a degree with a major and two minors, all completed in four years. :o) His M-F job utilizing his degree and he is on a professional track. His weekend job is at a grocery store and he calls it his "fun job." I think he spends a lot of his time at the store coming up with recipes he wants to try.
K also introduced me to a different set of friends last night. These are all the ladies with whom he works at his professional job.* Most of them are old enough to be his mother, so they have maternal feelings about him. I was nervous, but just decided to be myself and found I had a wonderful time laughing with everyone (even though I drank a lot less than most of them).
The weirdness super question mark in this post is because of the following. I had met the fishing buddy and his wife a couple of months ago and at that time, they quizzed me about how we met...but the fishing buddy asked this week about my view on children and also asked again how K and I met. Then yesterday, his wife asked something similar about children. At first these did not strike me as odd. But then last night, all of his work friends also quizzed me on the same things.
Separately, K brought up the process of raising children twice in the last two weeks and seemed to be asking my opinions on some things; and last night he went on...and on...about how one of his work friends is on her second marriage and it's really positive for her even though they've already been married sixteen years and that "sometimes the second time is the best." Last night he also said something about no longer being embarrassed about having met through an online dating site because he now knows he found something worth keeping.
Normally, if these various comments had been spaced out a bit more, it wouldn't be on my mind. But everything coming so close together, and the fishing friends asking questions they already asked a while ago, just makes me feel like K might be saying some really positive things about our relationship. I started this post thinking something was going on....and I didn't start out recognizing the possibility of positive comments from him...that just struck me as I drafted this paragraph. Originally I was thinking something weird/odd was going on. But I think I'm just going to accept that his friends asked these serious questions, and he made some sort of serious comments, all because this relationship is good for him. It's definitely good for me. I think instead of fretting over what these comments mean, I'm just going with the idea it means he's happy when he mentions me.
_________
*K has a degree with a major and two minors, all completed in four years. :o) His M-F job utilizing his degree and he is on a professional track. His weekend job is at a grocery store and he calls it his "fun job." I think he spends a lot of his time at the store coming up with recipes he wants to try.
Learning curve
The concept of a learning curve applies to relationships and I don't think I ever realized that before. As usual, there's a story behind this recognition.
We fished Friday evening and K landed seven and kept two. The other five had started showing effects of their migration process, which tends to make the meat less tasty. I, on the other hand, kept getting skunked by those smart fish ~ I lost track of how much bait they stole. But here's a secret: I actually sometimes like to just watch K because of how relaxed he looks when he's focused, so I was happy with our evening.
Today I built an insulator for K's smoker. The weather has turned a bit, and so to help the smoking process along, we needed to make sure the smoker stays as warm as possible. In my married life, when I contemplated any projects around the house, part of my analysis in the planning stage was making sure I thought through as much as possible because I just didn't want to deal with additional comments or "insights" from the ex...and I didn't want to hear complaints when I was finished with the project. While I was at the hardware store this morning, I started to get a bit of that stress factor going on.
Then I stopped. K is generally relaxed about pretty much everything. He knows life isn't perfect and it's wasted energy trying to make things "perfect." As someone who works seven days a week, he's also generally thankful when I do things for him (although he says he typically doesn't let anyone do anything for him). In general, he just appreciates the fact that I was willing to smoke his fish and adding the insulator project was "bonus."
So while starting to fret in the store, I realized that no matter how good or bad the project came out, K would be glad I tried. He might point out things I could have done differently, but he wouldn't be critical of effort I extended. For some reason, I realized when I completed the project that I was generally more relaxed going about it than I would have been three or four years ago. I just rolled with it.
Guess what. It came out better than I expected. It doesn't match the "perfect" image in my head, but it looks a lot better than I thought it would. Being relaxed about the whole thing made it a lot easier in general, which is what I think made it come out pretty decently. I, of course, thought about the "why" of it all. Ultimately, I sent K a text thanking him for unknowingly teaching me another lesson today: not overthinking/stressing/worrying about stuff sometimes makes things easier...and better.
We fished Friday evening and K landed seven and kept two. The other five had started showing effects of their migration process, which tends to make the meat less tasty. I, on the other hand, kept getting skunked by those smart fish ~ I lost track of how much bait they stole. But here's a secret: I actually sometimes like to just watch K because of how relaxed he looks when he's focused, so I was happy with our evening.
Today I built an insulator for K's smoker. The weather has turned a bit, and so to help the smoking process along, we needed to make sure the smoker stays as warm as possible. In my married life, when I contemplated any projects around the house, part of my analysis in the planning stage was making sure I thought through as much as possible because I just didn't want to deal with additional comments or "insights" from the ex...and I didn't want to hear complaints when I was finished with the project. While I was at the hardware store this morning, I started to get a bit of that stress factor going on.
Then I stopped. K is generally relaxed about pretty much everything. He knows life isn't perfect and it's wasted energy trying to make things "perfect." As someone who works seven days a week, he's also generally thankful when I do things for him (although he says he typically doesn't let anyone do anything for him). In general, he just appreciates the fact that I was willing to smoke his fish and adding the insulator project was "bonus."
So while starting to fret in the store, I realized that no matter how good or bad the project came out, K would be glad I tried. He might point out things I could have done differently, but he wouldn't be critical of effort I extended. For some reason, I realized when I completed the project that I was generally more relaxed going about it than I would have been three or four years ago. I just rolled with it.
Guess what. It came out better than I expected. It doesn't match the "perfect" image in my head, but it looks a lot better than I thought it would. Being relaxed about the whole thing made it a lot easier in general, which is what I think made it come out pretty decently. I, of course, thought about the "why" of it all. Ultimately, I sent K a text thanking him for unknowingly teaching me another lesson today: not overthinking/stressing/worrying about stuff sometimes makes things easier...and better.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Three Little Words
Lately I've felt a mind shift in how I feel and think about my relationship with K. Last Thursday night, I recognized the mind shift can be traced back to three little words: "You are safe."
It was recent, August 19 to be exact, that I first felt the comfort of a man holding me and telling me I am safe with him. Diligently reviewing my past, I still do not recall anyone ever doing that before. I feel like K knew I needed that reassurance more than just to help me return to earth the night of the 19th: he may have very well understood my whacked out reactions to things related to a generalized fear that seems to have been ingrained in my brain.
I'll give you that this occurred just 23 days ago. But I've not really had any of my normal freak out reactions since then and that's a pretty long time to not even have a minor one given how other things in my life have triggered some down feelings.
There are two other concrete examples of my mind shifting over these three little words.
The minor example is what triggered me recognizing how important were those three little words. He told me that he got an email from the online dating site and logged on to respond to the email. He was on an auto-pay for three months at a time, so when the canceling thing came up in July, he had inadvertently paid for his membership until October. In telling me, he assured me there "is only one hottie for him." The fact that he had to log on didn't freak me out like it did last time. Part of it is him telling me upfront; but also I just *knew* he was telling me the truth about logging on not to search but to send a polite "no thank you." Thinking about my reaction, I told him then and there that my mind shifted in how I think of "us" and the shift occurred on the night he held me and told me I was safe.
The major example is that this weekend, for some practical reasons, he was the only one that was fulfilled sexually. I had a bit of a release, but not to even the normal minimal amount (and, okay, I did really enjoy making sure he was fulfilled ~ yes, Mr. Frenulum you just might have been right in your analysis on this point). Last month, I was frustrated over a similar turn of events although I'll grant you that part of last month's frustration was because I wasn't an active participant in the way things played out and this time, part of my not getting "everything" was by my choice.
Today I contemplated the fact that I might not see K and get all the delights that might be until Thursday this week. The thought did not tail spin me. What echoed back from the empty recesses of my mind is that I simply feel safe and secure in the knowledge that eventually what I want will be on the table. I trust this man to eventually fulfill me, even beyond what I think I need.
I also feel secure and safe in the knowledge that this man actually seems to just "get me." This week we dealt with basically a lie I said. I hadn't talked to him about my mom having a bilateral mastectomy and how worried I was for her. He knew she had a breast cancer diagnosis but hadn't wanted to ask questions until I was ready to talk. I, on the other hand, hadn't wanted to talk to him about it because, like my job search fears, I wanted to protect our time together and be happy in those moments, not worried.
But I've been kind of distracted (which I think contributed to my fall the other day). Wednesday night he asked about me being distracted and if I was worried about something. I lied and said no. Thursday morning, I was really bothered by the lie. It was the only time I haven't been honest with him. My mind kept ringing with the fact that if the situation were reversed, I would want to know what was on his mind so I could help. I sent a lengthy email explaining and apologizing. He then addressed my most pressing concerns on Thursday...and Saturday he asked follow up questions.
His reaction is that he didn't view it as a lie but more me telling him only as much as I thought he needed to be told. He was completely supportive of the fact I had a hard time telling him; and in the same email, he mentioned that he knows the job search is taking a toll on me. The man is aware enough of me that he sees the parts I try to hide.
The conclusion: speaking those three words just might mean I don't have to hide.
And looking at the above words, in black and white, I don't seem to be as scared as I was just a few days ago when I talked about taking a step forward.
Oh, and those other three little words don't need to be said because by and through nearly every action he already says "I love you" to me. Daily. But he has told me those three little words, too. =)
It was recent, August 19 to be exact, that I first felt the comfort of a man holding me and telling me I am safe with him. Diligently reviewing my past, I still do not recall anyone ever doing that before. I feel like K knew I needed that reassurance more than just to help me return to earth the night of the 19th: he may have very well understood my whacked out reactions to things related to a generalized fear that seems to have been ingrained in my brain.
I'll give you that this occurred just 23 days ago. But I've not really had any of my normal freak out reactions since then and that's a pretty long time to not even have a minor one given how other things in my life have triggered some down feelings.
There are two other concrete examples of my mind shifting over these three little words.
The minor example is what triggered me recognizing how important were those three little words. He told me that he got an email from the online dating site and logged on to respond to the email. He was on an auto-pay for three months at a time, so when the canceling thing came up in July, he had inadvertently paid for his membership until October. In telling me, he assured me there "is only one hottie for him." The fact that he had to log on didn't freak me out like it did last time. Part of it is him telling me upfront; but also I just *knew* he was telling me the truth about logging on not to search but to send a polite "no thank you." Thinking about my reaction, I told him then and there that my mind shifted in how I think of "us" and the shift occurred on the night he held me and told me I was safe.
The major example is that this weekend, for some practical reasons, he was the only one that was fulfilled sexually. I had a bit of a release, but not to even the normal minimal amount (and, okay, I did really enjoy making sure he was fulfilled ~ yes, Mr. Frenulum you just might have been right in your analysis on this point). Last month, I was frustrated over a similar turn of events although I'll grant you that part of last month's frustration was because I wasn't an active participant in the way things played out and this time, part of my not getting "everything" was by my choice.
Today I contemplated the fact that I might not see K and get all the delights that might be until Thursday this week. The thought did not tail spin me. What echoed back from the empty recesses of my mind is that I simply feel safe and secure in the knowledge that eventually what I want will be on the table. I trust this man to eventually fulfill me, even beyond what I think I need.
I also feel secure and safe in the knowledge that this man actually seems to just "get me." This week we dealt with basically a lie I said. I hadn't talked to him about my mom having a bilateral mastectomy and how worried I was for her. He knew she had a breast cancer diagnosis but hadn't wanted to ask questions until I was ready to talk. I, on the other hand, hadn't wanted to talk to him about it because, like my job search fears, I wanted to protect our time together and be happy in those moments, not worried.
But I've been kind of distracted (which I think contributed to my fall the other day). Wednesday night he asked about me being distracted and if I was worried about something. I lied and said no. Thursday morning, I was really bothered by the lie. It was the only time I haven't been honest with him. My mind kept ringing with the fact that if the situation were reversed, I would want to know what was on his mind so I could help. I sent a lengthy email explaining and apologizing. He then addressed my most pressing concerns on Thursday...and Saturday he asked follow up questions.
His reaction is that he didn't view it as a lie but more me telling him only as much as I thought he needed to be told. He was completely supportive of the fact I had a hard time telling him; and in the same email, he mentioned that he knows the job search is taking a toll on me. The man is aware enough of me that he sees the parts I try to hide.
The conclusion: speaking those three words just might mean I don't have to hide.
And looking at the above words, in black and white, I don't seem to be as scared as I was just a few days ago when I talked about taking a step forward.
Oh, and those other three little words don't need to be said because by and through nearly every action he already says "I love you" to me. Daily. But he has told me those three little words, too. =)
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Still smiling
Have I mentioned that K likes to fish? That he saves all his vacation time for fishing? That not even visiting family will get him to use up vacation time unless they are fishing? (And I heard him tell his mom just the other day that he's not taking time off when his parents visit next month, so I know this last bit for a fact).
And here's the grin: last night he told me I needed to research camping so we could go camping. He said I need to let him know a weekend to go and he'll take off from work. When I pointed out he doesn't use vacation time unless there's fishing, he responded that he knew I wanted to camp this year and the season will be up soon. I smiled at him; I got happy tears (but only in my mind's eye).
The guy that diligently protects his vacation time was willing to give me some of that time even if fishing weren't an option. Wow. Like super wow.
Then I told him I'd find some camping with a fishing opportunity and he smiled back at me.
And here's the grin: last night he told me I needed to research camping so we could go camping. He said I need to let him know a weekend to go and he'll take off from work. When I pointed out he doesn't use vacation time unless there's fishing, he responded that he knew I wanted to camp this year and the season will be up soon. I smiled at him; I got happy tears (but only in my mind's eye).
The guy that diligently protects his vacation time was willing to give me some of that time even if fishing weren't an option. Wow. Like super wow.
Then I told him I'd find some camping with a fishing opportunity and he smiled back at me.
Off topic?
A request to my loyal readership of three: can you send positive vibes or thoughts or prayers (what ever is your preference) about a potential job situation for me.
Yesterday I had a positive phone interview with a recruiter for a job that is a change from my past career path, but using skills I've gathered working with a small company off and on for the last five years. The potential employer wants someone with my type of advanced degree but in a completely unrelated industry, an industry I just happen to have some experience in. The pay is about 2/3 of what I could make if I went back to my regular career path, but this job would be much more fun and I think it will have periods of down time (given the particular life cycle of the industry) that would allow me to have greater quality of life.
The recruiter was going to recommend the company interview me in person because my resume uniquely matched their search criteria.
To top it off, the position would also likely allow me to continue doing the projects I've been on for the last five years with the other company...which would bring my earnings nearly back to where they would be if I got a job for which my advanced degree is designed.
Sorry...it's hard to tell the story and disguise the facts to protect the innocent. =)
I just really hope to get at least the in person interview because the job does sound interesting. I'm sure I could be of help to the company and just want the opportunity to explain how I could help.
I titled this post as "Off topic?" because my job search has nothing to do with my dating life. But the question mark is because finding a job does impact my relationship with K. When I find a job, I think we'll both feel much more secure that there is a potential future together beyond my search deadlines. It remains that I'll be looking for a stop-gap job this month if this current lead doesn't pan out. A stop-gap would also help, 'cause I'm really, really enjoying my time with this man and I don't want to think about it ending for a stupid reason like I just can't find a job.
What's in a name?
My blog name is, of course, a nom de plume. For those that don't know, Hecate is the goddess of crossroads and magic, among other things. It was selected back in December to represent the crossroads I was at, when I gathered my courage to write someone who I now have the honor to call friend. That correspondence remains valued and cherished for the education and the great assistance it gave me in sorting out a part of myself. It remains to be seen, however, if what I learned truly, completely applies to my life. I think some, if not all, of it will; I took a path that lead to greater understanding and I hope to not loose that understanding.
And today I started to explore further along that path and I gotta say: I love the route I'm on right now.
And today I started to explore further along that path and I gotta say: I love the route I'm on right now.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Random Off Topic Stuff
I'm exhausted from a written "verbal" fight I had yesterday on a discussion board. Basically, someone tried to silence me while complaining my asking questions was silencing someone. I hate double standards. It wasn't her first attempt to silence my opinion, either, so I stood my ground even as we went off topic. On the bright side, some people who post on that board, and who I generally respect, sent me personal messages showing their support. It was nice to have confirmation that I'm not alone in my opinion of the particular silencer.
Today K sent a text that for some reason struck me as snippy. Then I realized I hadn't eaten at all and it was already 1pm. I think sometimes when I over react, it's possibly related to my blood sugar being out of whack. I came home, ate and feel that it's likely not snippy, just that he was busy at work. I've noticed the correlation before between my eating/lack of appetite and my emotional reactions; but I'm writing it here to have a reminder every time I read this back.
Literally, every day I battle fear about my future because I am just not finding a job. I'm scared of what will happen financially and professionally if I don't find something soon. My goal this month is to get a stop-gap job, which I hadn't done before because small projects from one company were sustaining me this spring and summer. K doesn't know how afraid I get about this issue because I shield him from it. I think it's wrong that I shield him from my reality.
Today K sent a text that for some reason struck me as snippy. Then I realized I hadn't eaten at all and it was already 1pm. I think sometimes when I over react, it's possibly related to my blood sugar being out of whack. I came home, ate and feel that it's likely not snippy, just that he was busy at work. I've noticed the correlation before between my eating/lack of appetite and my emotional reactions; but I'm writing it here to have a reminder every time I read this back.
Literally, every day I battle fear about my future because I am just not finding a job. I'm scared of what will happen financially and professionally if I don't find something soon. My goal this month is to get a stop-gap job, which I hadn't done before because small projects from one company were sustaining me this spring and summer. K doesn't know how afraid I get about this issue because I shield him from it. I think it's wrong that I shield him from my reality.
Insert Happy Face Here
Today, K added a little something extra into the mix: the mix before we got out of bed, so details aren't forthcoming. But what he added was something I had just recognized I was craving about two days ago. I hadn't said anything about this particular desire...and it was a kind of minor thing...but I'm going to wear a happy face today because he seemed to innately just know my need.
Mr. Frenulum and I have discussed certain responsibilities in one kind of relationship. K seems to be meeting some of those responsibilities even though we have not had a deep, detailed conversation about them or the way we are together.
We are only three months into the relationship and I find it important to still go slowly with sharing our stories. Likewise, I think it appropriate to go slowly with diving into this aspect of our relationship. I care enough about K that I don't want to scare him away; yet he does keep taking things up a step every now and then...sometimes little steps, sometimes regular sized steps. Is a giant step forward scary? It is for me when contemplating taking his hand and leaping forward.
So now I'm off to ponder why being true to myself is scary.
PS. I heard recently my loyal readership might actually be up to three! Shout out to SnS!
______
ETA: The giant step forward that is contemplated above is not the "final" step. It's more the idea of getting into further specifics of what I am seeking. The giant step actually requires a multitude of small steps...so please don't think I'm jumping off the deep end just yet.
Mr. Frenulum and I have discussed certain responsibilities in one kind of relationship. K seems to be meeting some of those responsibilities even though we have not had a deep, detailed conversation about them or the way we are together.
We are only three months into the relationship and I find it important to still go slowly with sharing our stories. Likewise, I think it appropriate to go slowly with diving into this aspect of our relationship. I care enough about K that I don't want to scare him away; yet he does keep taking things up a step every now and then...sometimes little steps, sometimes regular sized steps. Is a giant step forward scary? It is for me when contemplating taking his hand and leaping forward.
So now I'm off to ponder why being true to myself is scary.
PS. I heard recently my loyal readership might actually be up to three! Shout out to SnS!
______
ETA: The giant step forward that is contemplated above is not the "final" step. It's more the idea of getting into further specifics of what I am seeking. The giant step actually requires a multitude of small steps...so please don't think I'm jumping off the deep end just yet.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
The Falling Part 4
Yesterday we fished (YAY Fishing!!!!!). I also kept in mind a cute picture I recently received and wished my hair looked as nice (Thanks Mr. Frenulum).
We arrived at the river and started down the embankment...which I then fell down from about a 1/3 of the way up. It was steep and my foot slipped out from under me. I tumbled a few times, thinking to myself as I'm tumbling "I'm infinitely embarrassed." My mind flashed on how the ex would treat me after my klutzy moments. He would often ask "why weren't you more careful?" These things went through my head and I grew more afraid of embarrassing K than I was aware of stopping the fall.
My right side is kind of beat up. I did a face plant directly into the river. K's reaction? "Babe, babe, babe are you alright? Oh my god. Are you okay?"
I fell in the river; then fell more in love with this man. I may not know all parts of him, as we are still moving slowly in sharing our stories. But what I know about who he is, how he is, and what he stands for, I love.
Speaking of my prat fall to my cousin this morning, she pointed out that I finally have a quality man in my life. I already knew this, but this time I paused to think about why, at 42, I'm getting it in a different way, a way that I think will stick this time. I scratched my head (figuratively) at the idea that I could be a smart, strong, independent, thoughtful woman but I would have tolerated for far too long less than stellar quality in my life. A decade gone.
As I explained to her, I would talk to my ex about forms of communicating; to let him know there was kinder ways to convey his concern besides essentially berating me. But I'm glad I gave up.
When I later told K about how sore I actually was (because up to then we were fishing, not complaining), he was a little bothered I hadn't said something at least when we were carrying gear out. I had taken care not to exacerbate my sore spots, so I didn't mind carrying gear. But when I also told him the only time I felt like crying was from embarrassment, his response was: "Why be embarrassed. We all fall."
When I thanked him for not making me feel like an idiot, he asked why should he, and who would do something like that? All I could answer was "me, myself and I" because I will have waves of embarrassment over this for the next few weeks. For some reason, I just don't feel like complaining to K about the ex.
Can I bore you again and say I love this man?
Oh, and I landed two fish and lost at least three on the line...K landed four.
We arrived at the river and started down the embankment...which I then fell down from about a 1/3 of the way up. It was steep and my foot slipped out from under me. I tumbled a few times, thinking to myself as I'm tumbling "I'm infinitely embarrassed." My mind flashed on how the ex would treat me after my klutzy moments. He would often ask "why weren't you more careful?" These things went through my head and I grew more afraid of embarrassing K than I was aware of stopping the fall.
My right side is kind of beat up. I did a face plant directly into the river. K's reaction? "Babe, babe, babe are you alright? Oh my god. Are you okay?"
I fell in the river; then fell more in love with this man. I may not know all parts of him, as we are still moving slowly in sharing our stories. But what I know about who he is, how he is, and what he stands for, I love.
Speaking of my prat fall to my cousin this morning, she pointed out that I finally have a quality man in my life. I already knew this, but this time I paused to think about why, at 42, I'm getting it in a different way, a way that I think will stick this time. I scratched my head (figuratively) at the idea that I could be a smart, strong, independent, thoughtful woman but I would have tolerated for far too long less than stellar quality in my life. A decade gone.
As I explained to her, I would talk to my ex about forms of communicating; to let him know there was kinder ways to convey his concern besides essentially berating me. But I'm glad I gave up.
When I later told K about how sore I actually was (because up to then we were fishing, not complaining), he was a little bothered I hadn't said something at least when we were carrying gear out. I had taken care not to exacerbate my sore spots, so I didn't mind carrying gear. But when I also told him the only time I felt like crying was from embarrassment, his response was: "Why be embarrassed. We all fall."
When I thanked him for not making me feel like an idiot, he asked why should he, and who would do something like that? All I could answer was "me, myself and I" because I will have waves of embarrassment over this for the next few weeks. For some reason, I just don't feel like complaining to K about the ex.
Can I bore you again and say I love this man?
Oh, and I landed two fish and lost at least three on the line...K landed four.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Avoiding the Rabbit Hole
This weekend, K is going out of town with some friends. Throughout the past week, he's made an extra effort to do date night things instead of just hanging out at his house during the week. I suspect he was wanting to make up for the fact that he will be gone for the majority of the holiday weekend.
His effort made me smile, and I enjoyed the events we attended and the time we had together. So this morning (before I prepare to go fish - YAY), I lay here, in his bed, smiling.
Tuesday my smile increased when he said that he asked his friends to come back a day early because he told them he "had someone, err, something" he wanted to do on Monday (okay he really didn't say "someone" to his friends, but it was a cute funny when conveyed to me). He then said he wanted to spend Monday with me. Consistently, he makes me feel like a priority in his life, which is a welcome change.
And we get to the but: last night, when I said they might want to stay until Monday if the fishing is good, he said that his friends want to come back Sunday to avoid the Monday traffic. This was the first inconsistency I've heard from him about something that is related directly to me.* Are the coming back at his insistence or their's?
Guess what. That last question didn't set off the typical alarms in my head. Pondering it this morning, I realized a couple of things:
I am consistently inconsistent myself. But I tend to point it out because it relates to the dual response team in my head where I will literally have two conflicting reactions because I see situations from multiple sides. Isn't it a tad unfair for me to expect people in my life to never, ever have inconsistencies themselves? Sure, one should diligently look out for things like "Honey, I'm going to the store" when he in fact goes to the bar ~ that's more out right lying.
It feels good to over think this point in a way that is making me actually grow myself. When I dated back in college this kind of inconsistency would have made me question my partner. But there's no need for questions this time around. Perhaps it's a better quality person; whatever the cause, I'm happy that I can just breathe and not pull myself into a rabbit hole over something this minor.
______________________________________________
*For those of you keeping track, I may have mentioned a previous inconsistency. That was related to why he chooses to work two jobs; I ultimately decided that neither answer was related to anything to do with me, so it didn't matter if there was a minor inconsistency. Pretty much every other thing he says and does remain consistent.
His effort made me smile, and I enjoyed the events we attended and the time we had together. So this morning (before I prepare to go fish - YAY), I lay here, in his bed, smiling.
Tuesday my smile increased when he said that he asked his friends to come back a day early because he told them he "had someone, err, something" he wanted to do on Monday (okay he really didn't say "someone" to his friends, but it was a cute funny when conveyed to me). He then said he wanted to spend Monday with me. Consistently, he makes me feel like a priority in his life, which is a welcome change.
And we get to the but: last night, when I said they might want to stay until Monday if the fishing is good, he said that his friends want to come back Sunday to avoid the Monday traffic. This was the first inconsistency I've heard from him about something that is related directly to me.* Are the coming back at his insistence or their's?
Guess what. That last question didn't set off the typical alarms in my head. Pondering it this morning, I realized a couple of things:
- It very well could have been him that planted the idea of traffic into his friends' heads because he does want to come back.
- Why does it really matter the reason for coming back on Sunday? The important part, regardless of why, is that he wants to spend the rest of his holiday with me.
- The way he phrased his comments on Tuesday was aimed at making me feel good and that was, again, an effort toward making me feel like a priority. That effort is being carried through in action, regardless of the words, by him making plans with me for Monday.
I am consistently inconsistent myself. But I tend to point it out because it relates to the dual response team in my head where I will literally have two conflicting reactions because I see situations from multiple sides. Isn't it a tad unfair for me to expect people in my life to never, ever have inconsistencies themselves? Sure, one should diligently look out for things like "Honey, I'm going to the store" when he in fact goes to the bar ~ that's more out right lying.
It feels good to over think this point in a way that is making me actually grow myself. When I dated back in college this kind of inconsistency would have made me question my partner. But there's no need for questions this time around. Perhaps it's a better quality person; whatever the cause, I'm happy that I can just breathe and not pull myself into a rabbit hole over something this minor.
______________________________________________
*For those of you keeping track, I may have mentioned a previous inconsistency. That was related to why he chooses to work two jobs; I ultimately decided that neither answer was related to anything to do with me, so it didn't matter if there was a minor inconsistency. Pretty much every other thing he says and does remain consistent.
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