Three Little Words

Lately I've felt a mind shift in how I feel and think about my relationship with K.  Last Thursday night, I recognized the mind shift can be traced back to three little words: "You are safe."

It was recent, August 19 to be exact, that I first felt the comfort of a man holding me and telling me I am safe with him.  Diligently reviewing my past, I still do not recall anyone ever doing that before.  I feel like K knew I needed that reassurance more than just to help me return to earth the night of the 19th: he may have very well understood my whacked out reactions to things related to a generalized fear that seems to have been ingrained in my brain.

I'll give you that this occurred just 23 days ago.  But I've not really had any of my normal freak out reactions since then and that's a pretty long time to not even have a minor one given how other things in my life have triggered some down feelings.

There are two other concrete examples of my mind shifting over these three little words.

The minor example is what triggered me recognizing how important were those three little words.  He told me that he got an email from the online dating site and logged on to respond to the email.  He was on an auto-pay for three months at a time, so when the canceling thing came up in July, he had inadvertently paid for his membership until October.  In telling me, he assured me there "is only one hottie for him."  The fact that he had to log on didn't freak me out like it did last time.  Part of it is him telling me upfront; but also I just *knew* he was telling me the truth about logging on not to search but to send a polite "no thank you."   Thinking about my reaction, I told him then and there that my mind shifted in how I think of "us" and the shift occurred on the night he held me and told me I was safe.

The major example is that this weekend, for some practical reasons, he was the only one that was fulfilled sexually.  I had a bit of a release, but not to even the normal minimal amount (and, okay, I did really enjoy making sure he was fulfilled ~ yes, Mr. Frenulum you just might have been right in your analysis on this point).  Last month, I was frustrated over a similar turn of events although I'll grant you that part of last month's frustration was because I wasn't an active participant in the way things played out and this time, part of my not getting "everything" was by my choice.

Today I contemplated the fact that I might not see K and get all the delights that might be until Thursday this week.  The thought did not tail spin me.  What echoed back from the empty recesses of my mind is that I simply feel safe and secure in the knowledge that eventually what I want will be on the table.  I trust this man to eventually fulfill me, even beyond what I think I need.

I also feel secure and safe in the knowledge that this man actually seems to just "get me."  This week we dealt with basically a lie I said.  I hadn't talked to him about my mom having a bilateral mastectomy and how worried I was for her.  He knew she had a breast cancer diagnosis but hadn't wanted to ask questions until I was ready to talk.  I, on the other hand, hadn't wanted to talk to him about it because, like my job search fears, I wanted to protect our time together and be happy in those moments, not worried.

But I've been kind of distracted (which I think contributed to my fall the other day).  Wednesday night he asked about me being distracted and if I was worried about something.  I lied and said no.  Thursday morning, I was really bothered by the lie.  It was the only time I haven't been honest with him.  My mind kept ringing with the fact that if the situation were reversed, I would want to know what was on his mind so I could help.  I sent a lengthy email explaining and apologizing.  He then addressed my most pressing concerns on Thursday...and Saturday he asked follow up questions.

His reaction is that he didn't view it as a lie but more me telling him only as much as I thought he needed to be told.  He was completely supportive of the fact I had a hard time telling him; and in the same email, he mentioned that he knows the job search is taking a toll on me.  The man is aware enough of me that he sees the parts I try to hide.

The conclusion:  speaking those three words just might mean I don't have to hide.

And looking at the above words, in black and white, I don't seem to be as scared as I was just a few days ago when I talked about taking a step forward.

Oh, and those other three little words don't need to be said because by and through nearly every action he already says "I love you" to me.  Daily.  But he has told me those three little words, too.  =)