Space...the final frontier

This week we dealt with the issue of space.  Let me share the context because I'm still sorting out things.  It's a confluence of feelings and sexual need, so I may be stating a touch more of the sexual side of things than I will state in the future.

Perhaps this is the first crack...and I worked really hard at not over thinking what this all meant.  Still, I feel I need to talk about it even if just to myself.  The whole situation has left me feeling a bit disconnected from K; but this week I also had really overwhelming negative feelings about my job search, so in that muddled state, I could be confusing myself.

Last Thursday, K was teaching me to tie knots, as I've recently learned I enjoy fishing.  He playfully placed the rope (loosely of course) around my neck.  This started the wheels spinning in the most delightful way.  He then made more than a few jesters that left me thinking he was taking things to a different level.  But that night there was no culmination for me, only him.

It was the first time that he did not also respond in kind; it was unusual for him to not look out for my needs as well and it made me feel a bit lost.  Honestly, it left me frustrated in a way I did not anticipate and is making me question control concepts even though control has not been turned over to him.  He hasn't earned the privilege or right to only look out for himself; to me we are still in a place where mutual satisfaction, a give and take, are appropriate.

We went out to a play on Friday, but then when it was over, it was clear he did not want me to go home with him.  That was a bit confusing because of comments he made during the day that indicated he was interested.  But I knew he was tired from work so I also understood where he was coming from even if it meant I would continue feeling frustrated.

Saturday, I expressly asked if we could deal with my frustration, although I stated it in different terms with him and kept things playful.  But we went fishing after he got off from his second job and by the time we made it back to his place, we were, initially, too tired for further physical activity.  My shower revived me enough, but I could tell he was still too tired himself.

Waking on Sunday, we didn't have enough time before he had to leave to his second job.  But it was clear he was ready; knowing how little time we had, I consciously chose not to start something that could not be finished for both of us and other than an obvious sign, he made no move to start something himself.  On Sunday afternoon, he was substantially more explicit in our text exchanges than he has ever been.  Yet, he didn't make plans for Sunday evening, or Monday, or Tuesday.  Sunday evening, in light of our off timing over the weekend, I explained that the teasing was more frustrating than fun at that point; still he continued to tease a bit.

We finally got together last night (Wednesday) and while my frustration was adequately dealt with, things were as they had been with him.  Six days of feeling frustrated and confused is making me almost sad.  Then I feel stupid that it's only six days and who am I to complain?  Yet, I was very unfulfilled sexually in my marriage and I think that makes me sensitive to being unfulfilled this early in the relationship.

It was really hard for me because nothing was expressly said about him needing space.  I did eventually talk to him on Tuesday about his need for space and he said, yes, he needed some space because sometimes he just likes being alone.  I completely get that, as when I'm working I sometimes need that, too.  But as I explained to him, what he said Sunday seemed to say we'd be seeing each other soon, but then he just went sort of silent that day.  In his mind, not making plans was enough to say "I need space."  In my mind, when I expressed a need and he teased back in a way indicating he meant to fulfill that need, that left me to speculate why suddenly he dropped the ball and the speculation could have been avoided if he had simply said Sunday that he needed a few days to himself.

He knows I tend toward over-thinking...about everything.  That's not something he does.  I honestly don't think he understands why I do it.  How could he when I don't fully understand why.  I think in an attempt to help me not expend unnecessary energy, he assured me that if something is bothering him, he'll tell me.  To me, the need to have some space was something that should have been mentioned and I just didn't understand why he didn't say so on his own and why he left it to me to figure out what was going on.

Aside from K, my reactions have me re-evaluating how far I actually am comfortable with control.  I see almost a return to a balance sheet tally mentality.  Yet, I also see myself looking out for my needs to make sure they are addressed.

When I talked to him on Tuesday, he did end the conversation by saying it was a breath of fresh air that we talk about things.  Tonight I intend to find out why talking through something is a breath of fresh air; I'm starting to wonder if this situation stems from limited experience, as from what little he's shared, his relationships don't usually last very long.  Granted, two and a half months is not long; but he's intimated that there have only been a handful of relationships that lasted past two months.  I suppose this implication also makes me worry, in the back of my mind, if he is nearing an end stage for this relationship, one that I can't discern because he's disinclined to tell me things that have happened before.  He hasn't spoken toward the future in any great detail in the last week or two except to say he's torn about an invite he has for Labor Day because it means we won't be able to spend any of the holiday weekend together.

I feel selfish, though.  He works two jobs; seven days a week he is at a "job" of some sort.  He spends a lot of time with me, but when that tempo of togetherness is altered without comment and with other conflicting signals happening, I get confused.

I care deeply for this man; it scares me, though, that I still don't feel comfortable just engaging in stream of consciousness discussions with him about issues like this when they come up.  I'm overly contemplative and edit how I pose questions or make points.  I want to trust that he'll tell me if something is wrong; but it feels like he failed to do so about something as simple as needing space.