As mentioned elsewhere, K is a great cook. Tonight we were discussing one of my family recipes that I want to make...but which is packed and stored two states away. He likes recipes and jokes that they are his form of porn.
In the discussion, I said, "I can't wait until I get a job and can move all my things up here to access the things I miss."
K responded, "If we break up, will you at least send me the recipe?"
Hmmm.
So I replied: "It depends on who breaks up with whom. If you break my heart, I'll probably not share the recipe."
He was very, very quick to offer a pinkie swear, sealed with a kiss, that he would not break my heart. That's our goofy way of making a "serious" (even when being playful) promise.
Hmmm.
By training and profession, words are valuable to me. My impression is that he understands that. But I hope he does really "get it." Promising not to break my heart means something to me.
Hmmm.
By virtue of a not so good nurture, words like "if we break up" sets alarms ringing in my head. It was said with banter and a light tone. But for me it's not something to joke about.
Hmmm.
As I sit here pondering, I wonder if he has a fear of me leaving him. He knows that originally my Plan B was to return to my prior locale if I didn't find a job. Yet, as recently as two days ago, I told him it makes equal sense for me to get just any old job because returning only saves me rent...and I should be able to find a job where I earn enough to at least pay the rent.
I think he just taught me another lesson ~ that too many times, I take comments too personally, when, in fact, it is equally likely that he's worried for himself and not realizing the impact of his statement on me.
And now starts the self-recrimination for not assuring him better tonight. Luckily, I see him tomorrow evening.
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