Over this bumpy road I've traveled, I've learned to laugh at myself...sometimes I think too much.
Today I was getting ready for date 2 with Guy 2 - B. He's one of the guys for whom I felt the "I could lean in and kiss you" (trademark still pending) feeling. Yeah, getting ready turned into a comedy of errors.
I have hair, just past my shoulders. It's a very pretty brown, blond highlight combo right now. I've always received compliments on my hair and it's one of my features I like. I was getting ready today, blow drying it to look extra cute...and....wait, you must laugh at this next bit....got the round brush stuck in my hair. I Know - been blow drying my hair for how long now? The entire time (10 minutes) it took to untangle my hair, I was laughing. I'm sure my roommates were thinking I went insane. My sister said to just cut it out of my hair (never on your life).
I continued laughing as I put on my makeup, which then turned into a hilarity of eyeliner proportions. Not that eyeliner is all that proportionate, but I gave myself smeary eyes that I then had to fix. I wish I invested in Qtips back when I was investing.
Okay, whew, I survived getting ready and left for the date. Driving per the instructions from google maps....I go to somewhere (still following what I was instructed to do) that is so obviously not the date meeting spot. But Guy 2 - B was really sweet when I called and said I was lost.
Rolling up to the date, well at the stop light before the location, I look in the mirror to check for, you know, those face problems I always worry about...and realize I forgot to put on mascara. I start laughing at myself again. What card carrying woman forgets to put on mascara? Seriously? I may loose my membership if I'm not careful.
The date was fun, perhaps because I rolled up still giggling to myself. We did something I haven't done for 14 years. We had drinks and appetizers afterward. We sort of went halvesies on the date, which for some reason always makes me a tad more comfortable even when I worry about being thrifty.
Then, as I sat down to write this, Guy 2 - B sent a text that he is fascinated with my hair and my lips. Goofy smile abounds...but it's proof that without the difficult parts (like brushes stuck in your hair) you don't get the fun parts (like being told someone likes your hair). Am I allowed to goofy smile after date 2? Well, screw it I am. I just might like this dating thing after all.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Laughter
I debated telling this story for fear it's funny only to me. But since I doubt anyone will be reading these things, I thought - what the hay!
Today I got ready for a date. The seams in my jeans weren't quite dry. Then I dropped my shirt in the shower, which was damp from having been used. So I took the hair drier to the shirt, but didn't leave enough time to finish blow drying my hair completely (it takes a while as it's sort of thick). As I'm driving to the date, I have the a/c blasting, alternating between blow drying my hair more, blowing on my legs to dry the seams of the jeans, and (I can't believe I'm telling this part) blowing on my arm pits so I don't get that nervous sweat thing going on.
Hey...I'm human and I sweat. Get over it.
I start laughing so hard at myself that tears formed in my eyes...then I laughed more because I was messing up my mascara. Oy Vay. Then after I parked, I started laughing again because I realized I had made myself obviously cold. Then as I walk to the meeting point, I laugh again because I realized I forgot to check if there was anything weird with my face (you know, like obvious eye or nose boogers)...luckily I found a bathroom and popped in there and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my face.
But it was a really good frame of mind to be in for my date with Guy 7 - N...happy and silly for no good reason. And it then turned out to be a really nice date. I felt the "I want to lean in and kiss you" (trademark pending) feeling...and I think if I'm reading him right, he felt it back. He's worked in my profession; but is going school to transition to a new career that is more what he wants to do. I really like that...finding professional happiness while also pursuing personal happiness. We talked in total for a good hour and a half, nearly two hours. I got bold enough to ask him on a second date about 45 minutes into it...and a while later, as we walked to the parking lot, I asked him if he wanted to grab coffee right then. He said yes to both.
I drove us to coffee, breaking one of my rules of not going in a single car on the first date. It turned out okay and it has me evaluating if one or two of my rules aren't overly cautious. When I drove him back to his car, he leaned in for a hug as I was extending my hand for a handshake (are you rolling your eyes with me). Damn he smelled good...and I hope my stupidness about the handshake wasn't a deal killer. But I had already confessed to some of my dorkiness, so perhaps its no big deal.
And it made a nice bookend on the date. As I drove away, I started laughing at myself about the handshake. A handshake???? Come on, seriously????
I told my roommates about the date about four hours after the fact...one of them commented that I was a little glowy. I don't mean to be glowy at the first date but it was just a damn fun afternoon full of laughter...even some light hearted laughter with Guy 7 - N, but mostly at myself because, after all, laughter is the best medicine.
Today I got ready for a date. The seams in my jeans weren't quite dry. Then I dropped my shirt in the shower, which was damp from having been used. So I took the hair drier to the shirt, but didn't leave enough time to finish blow drying my hair completely (it takes a while as it's sort of thick). As I'm driving to the date, I have the a/c blasting, alternating between blow drying my hair more, blowing on my legs to dry the seams of the jeans, and (I can't believe I'm telling this part) blowing on my arm pits so I don't get that nervous sweat thing going on.
Hey...I'm human and I sweat. Get over it.
I start laughing so hard at myself that tears formed in my eyes...then I laughed more because I was messing up my mascara. Oy Vay. Then after I parked, I started laughing again because I realized I had made myself obviously cold. Then as I walk to the meeting point, I laugh again because I realized I forgot to check if there was anything weird with my face (you know, like obvious eye or nose boogers)...luckily I found a bathroom and popped in there and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my face.
But it was a really good frame of mind to be in for my date with Guy 7 - N...happy and silly for no good reason. And it then turned out to be a really nice date. I felt the "I want to lean in and kiss you" (trademark pending) feeling...and I think if I'm reading him right, he felt it back. He's worked in my profession; but is going school to transition to a new career that is more what he wants to do. I really like that...finding professional happiness while also pursuing personal happiness. We talked in total for a good hour and a half, nearly two hours. I got bold enough to ask him on a second date about 45 minutes into it...and a while later, as we walked to the parking lot, I asked him if he wanted to grab coffee right then. He said yes to both.
I drove us to coffee, breaking one of my rules of not going in a single car on the first date. It turned out okay and it has me evaluating if one or two of my rules aren't overly cautious. When I drove him back to his car, he leaned in for a hug as I was extending my hand for a handshake (are you rolling your eyes with me). Damn he smelled good...and I hope my stupidness about the handshake wasn't a deal killer. But I had already confessed to some of my dorkiness, so perhaps its no big deal.
And it made a nice bookend on the date. As I drove away, I started laughing at myself about the handshake. A handshake???? Come on, seriously????
I told my roommates about the date about four hours after the fact...one of them commented that I was a little glowy. I don't mean to be glowy at the first date but it was just a damn fun afternoon full of laughter...even some light hearted laughter with Guy 7 - N, but mostly at myself because, after all, laughter is the best medicine.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Little Boxes
In this online dating thing, as I'm sure you know, you have to check all these little boxes about who you are and what it is you are seeking. I hate labels. The one I hate the most is "body type." I'm fit and getting fitter. I'm curvy and have a woman's figure. I'm healthier than some of the "thin" people I know, but I will never be "thin" nor, frankly, do I want to be. So I'm not a model, and I don't play one on TV, although I could have been one of Sandro Botticelli's models for The Birth of Venus. I really can (finally) run 3.5 miles; I really can bike 30 miles. But people might not think that right away upon meeting me. Ugh. Why do they make us label ourselves?
Then I realize that it's possible there are men on these sites that bristle at the labeling just as much as I do. Or at least I hope there are men that get how these labels are so completely superficial. Still, I don't respond to some men that haven't checked the right boxes for the labels that match me. Am I failing to give these guys the benefit of the doubt or is it that they simply aren't worth my time because they have narrowed their view to those superficial boxes? Can't we just kick the little boxes to the curb?
Then I realize that it's possible there are men on these sites that bristle at the labeling just as much as I do. Or at least I hope there are men that get how these labels are so completely superficial. Still, I don't respond to some men that haven't checked the right boxes for the labels that match me. Am I failing to give these guys the benefit of the doubt or is it that they simply aren't worth my time because they have narrowed their view to those superficial boxes? Can't we just kick the little boxes to the curb?
Dilemma No. 2
Now here's a new dilemma...or new for me. What do you do when the guy is really nice, respectful, gets the whole boundaries thing and why women should be cautious in this online dating gambit, says things that make it clear he's attracted to you...but you don't feel the spark back?
Guy 5 - D was these things on our first coffee, turned into lunch and a decent walk date. It was sweet when he said, more than once, that I have a really cute smile. He is definitely someone I could be friends with and he is down to earth. But there was just no "I want to lean in and kiss you" feeling on my end. Actually, I've only had that feeling in this (yes, I know very new) process...and that was with Guy 2 - B.
Speaking of Guy 2 - B...I am very much looking forward to our second date, I hope not too much. Since the first date, we've exchanged a few emails and the ease in conversing in person has carried on in written form. Yet I fear the "my life has been pretty boring for certain reasons" thing coming to bite me on the ass with Guy 2 - B.
But back to Guy 5 - D, he's respectful enough of boundaries that at the end of the date he said he'd like to hang out more, but recognized I'm at the place where I just need to start with friendship, and that it'll be up to me to contact him if I'm interested in doing something. Even as friends only he was interested in getting together again.
Perhaps Guy 5 - D is just too newly out of his heartbreak (the final break only happened 6 months ago). He seemed still hurt; a small part of my brain felt bad for his heartache. But I'm not able to really help anyone heal at this point; I'm still healing myself and my support, at least for now, isn't capable of being lent out beyond where it's already committed.
Then the evil side came out, a bit. I've been fairly fiscally cautious lately because I want the freedom to find the right job...and the market is tight in general. So I do mostly free or inexpensive things when I go out because I want my funds to last. Guy 5 - D is the kind of guy that would invest the funds in taking me out, even as friends (we had a mini debate, which I won, about splitting the cost of lunch today). A part of me is very tired of not going out and doing things that take money, like golfing, kayaking and regularly going to the batting cages (they seem way expensive in this area, as in four to five times as expensive as the last state in which I lived). Is it wrong, if I'm clear and honest like I was, to let him pay for those kinds of things for me? Part of me thinks it is...but part of me also feels like it's his money to do with as he will. He identified communication as something key he is looking for in his next relationship. If I communicate clearly with him and he still is interested in time together even as friends, does it mean I'm taking advantage by knowing that it's unlikely I would move past that with him.
I don't want to tread on anyone's heart or psyche or what have you. Yet part of me is tired about being so diligently unselfish that I want, maybe just for a bit, to be selfish. Ugh. Is that okay?
Guy 5 - D was these things on our first coffee, turned into lunch and a decent walk date. It was sweet when he said, more than once, that I have a really cute smile. He is definitely someone I could be friends with and he is down to earth. But there was just no "I want to lean in and kiss you" feeling on my end. Actually, I've only had that feeling in this (yes, I know very new) process...and that was with Guy 2 - B.
Speaking of Guy 2 - B...I am very much looking forward to our second date, I hope not too much. Since the first date, we've exchanged a few emails and the ease in conversing in person has carried on in written form. Yet I fear the "my life has been pretty boring for certain reasons" thing coming to bite me on the ass with Guy 2 - B.
But back to Guy 5 - D, he's respectful enough of boundaries that at the end of the date he said he'd like to hang out more, but recognized I'm at the place where I just need to start with friendship, and that it'll be up to me to contact him if I'm interested in doing something. Even as friends only he was interested in getting together again.
Perhaps Guy 5 - D is just too newly out of his heartbreak (the final break only happened 6 months ago). He seemed still hurt; a small part of my brain felt bad for his heartache. But I'm not able to really help anyone heal at this point; I'm still healing myself and my support, at least for now, isn't capable of being lent out beyond where it's already committed.
Then the evil side came out, a bit. I've been fairly fiscally cautious lately because I want the freedom to find the right job...and the market is tight in general. So I do mostly free or inexpensive things when I go out because I want my funds to last. Guy 5 - D is the kind of guy that would invest the funds in taking me out, even as friends (we had a mini debate, which I won, about splitting the cost of lunch today). A part of me is very tired of not going out and doing things that take money, like golfing, kayaking and regularly going to the batting cages (they seem way expensive in this area, as in four to five times as expensive as the last state in which I lived). Is it wrong, if I'm clear and honest like I was, to let him pay for those kinds of things for me? Part of me thinks it is...but part of me also feels like it's his money to do with as he will. He identified communication as something key he is looking for in his next relationship. If I communicate clearly with him and he still is interested in time together even as friends, does it mean I'm taking advantage by knowing that it's unlikely I would move past that with him.
I don't want to tread on anyone's heart or psyche or what have you. Yet part of me is tired about being so diligently unselfish that I want, maybe just for a bit, to be selfish. Ugh. Is that okay?
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Dating Dilemmas
My current dating dilemma: what do you do when it seems like the guy is a great guy...just a tad shier than I would prefer. I'm just back from date one with Guy 4 - A. He was really nice, smart, well traveled, does volunteer work, is a professional. We talked the whole hour we were at wine tasting. He seems shier than I like, though. When I get nervous I can't read people as well. So perhaps I'm wrong. But it also means that in the moment, I'm not sure if I'm reading things right.
For example, in hindsight, it almost seems like he was suggesting we move to a different winery. Yet, he didn't come right out and say it. In the moment, I thought he was just letting me know there were other wineries in the area because I mentioned that I really am interested in boning up on the wine knowledge. Ugh. I would have liked to hang out a bit more with him today.
I really wish there was a rule book! Yes, I know Mr. Frenulum, there is not one to be had; at least not rules for merely dating. :o)
Then I think about the fact that if there's a "click" that these kinds of things sort themselves out. Maybe there was a click and I just didn't hear it. Guy 4 - A is from a different culture; certainly social mores impact the way he interacts with people. We'll see. I've already decided to write a thank you email just to let him know I wouldn't mind getting together again and if he has any interest we'll go from there.
I also decided I need to better define what my rules are for later dating stages. I've enjoyed these first 4 "first dates" and have a few more in the works. But if I'm to propel myself past date 2, I need to know what are my parameters. Or maybe I don't. Maybe it's time to be a serial dater for a while, to experience more of what is out there in terms of meeting people. Who knows. I'll sort it out some day. I sometimes think I waited too long to get back into this; maybe I'm just anxious to have life figured out. But the best dilemmas are not solved over night, now are they?
For example, in hindsight, it almost seems like he was suggesting we move to a different winery. Yet, he didn't come right out and say it. In the moment, I thought he was just letting me know there were other wineries in the area because I mentioned that I really am interested in boning up on the wine knowledge. Ugh. I would have liked to hang out a bit more with him today.
I really wish there was a rule book! Yes, I know Mr. Frenulum, there is not one to be had; at least not rules for merely dating. :o)
Then I think about the fact that if there's a "click" that these kinds of things sort themselves out. Maybe there was a click and I just didn't hear it. Guy 4 - A is from a different culture; certainly social mores impact the way he interacts with people. We'll see. I've already decided to write a thank you email just to let him know I wouldn't mind getting together again and if he has any interest we'll go from there.
I also decided I need to better define what my rules are for later dating stages. I've enjoyed these first 4 "first dates" and have a few more in the works. But if I'm to propel myself past date 2, I need to know what are my parameters. Or maybe I don't. Maybe it's time to be a serial dater for a while, to experience more of what is out there in terms of meeting people. Who knows. I'll sort it out some day. I sometimes think I waited too long to get back into this; maybe I'm just anxious to have life figured out. But the best dilemmas are not solved over night, now are they?
Who's Who in the Dating Game
This week, my roommates drew much laughter at my dating schedule. Last night, my Aunt and Uncle seemed also to get the humor of it. But I've really been enjoying my first dates, so far and am working on having others.
Here's the run down:
Guy 1 - J - first date: 5/22/11 at Starbucks; second date: 5/25/11 at local brew pub
Guy 2 - B - first date: 5/24/11 at Starbucks; second date: 5/31/11 (scheduled) at local tavern
Guy 3 - E - first date: 5/25/11 at a local coffee shop
Guy 4 - A - first date: 5/28/11 (scheduled) at a local winery
Guy 5 - D - first date: 5/29/11 (scheduled) at Starbucks
Guy 6 - Z - first date scheduled then cancelled because dude respect the boundaries.
Guy 7 - N - first date: 5/30/11 (scheduled) at a local botanical park
Guy 8 - K - first date in discussion, likely drinks one evening next week
Guy 9 - C - first date in discussion, likely lunch one day next week
Guy 10 - D - first date in discussion, likely not to happen because I feel on the fence about his email responses
My Aunt thinks it's great that I'm getting out and meeting people. My Uncle cracked jokes about leaving a sock on the door handle of the local brew pub, since it's somewhere they go often and where Guy 1 - J, date 2 occurred. My roommates almost seem to think I've jumped into the deep end. But since I'm not yet working and my job searching efforts only seem to take a few hours each day (there's just not that many postings I can locate...but that's a story for another blog), I have the time so might as well use it.
Besides, it does me good to get out with people instead of just getting out on my own.
Mr. Frenulum commented that this isn't score keeping if I'm merely chronicling. Sometimes I might talk about these guys...but I hope never in a score keeping kind of way.
I'm not at all sure I like thinking about this as a dating game, though. I mean it in the joking sense. Games just are not my thing. I suppose though there is an element of game play because other people may be into it (Guy 6 - Z ring any bells?); but I plan to excuse myself from most of the games. Although a few fun games come to mind....
Here's the run down:
Guy 1 - J - first date: 5/22/11 at Starbucks; second date: 5/25/11 at local brew pub
Guy 2 - B - first date: 5/24/11 at Starbucks; second date: 5/31/11 (scheduled) at local tavern
Guy 3 - E - first date: 5/25/11 at a local coffee shop
Guy 4 - A - first date: 5/28/11 (scheduled) at a local winery
Guy 5 - D - first date: 5/29/11 (scheduled) at Starbucks
Guy 6 - Z - first date scheduled then cancelled because dude respect the boundaries.
Guy 7 - N - first date: 5/30/11 (scheduled) at a local botanical park
Guy 8 - K - first date in discussion, likely drinks one evening next week
Guy 9 - C - first date in discussion, likely lunch one day next week
Guy 10 - D - first date in discussion, likely not to happen because I feel on the fence about his email responses
My Aunt thinks it's great that I'm getting out and meeting people. My Uncle cracked jokes about leaving a sock on the door handle of the local brew pub, since it's somewhere they go often and where Guy 1 - J, date 2 occurred. My roommates almost seem to think I've jumped into the deep end. But since I'm not yet working and my job searching efforts only seem to take a few hours each day (there's just not that many postings I can locate...but that's a story for another blog), I have the time so might as well use it.
Besides, it does me good to get out with people instead of just getting out on my own.
Mr. Frenulum commented that this isn't score keeping if I'm merely chronicling. Sometimes I might talk about these guys...but I hope never in a score keeping kind of way.
I'm not at all sure I like thinking about this as a dating game, though. I mean it in the joking sense. Games just are not my thing. I suppose though there is an element of game play because other people may be into it (Guy 6 - Z ring any bells?); but I plan to excuse myself from most of the games. Although a few fun games come to mind....
Double dates
[I started drafting this Wednesday, May 25, 2011, but left it in a draft folder. I intend, still, to chronicle these adventures as they evolve, so I've given myself minus points in delaying this post.]
Today I had a double date. Not in the traditional sense. I met Guy 3 - E for coffee at 2:00 for a first date and then met Guy 1 - J for dinner as a second date. I feel odd. I've never been one to schedule two dates with two different people on the same day. But since I'm doing nothing more than talking to people, with the majority of my intent being on finding friends and nothing more at this stage, I decided I was being too straight laced.
I really had an easy time talking with Guy 3 - E. We sat down for coffee and talked; the first time I thought to look at my clock, I thought only maybe 30-40 minutes had gone by. It had actually been over an hour and I was late getting back to my car, he was late getting back to work from his lunch break. But I could tell...or at least I thought I could tell...that there wasn't much interest from him beyond just talking. I can't decide if it's appropriate for me to email him and say something along the lines of "hey, let's just be friends and go riding." He is cute and I would worry that maybe I read him wrong and a "just be friends" email might foreclose the possibility of something more.
Second date with Guy 1 - J was a little more comfortable than the first date. We were able to talk most of the date...only a couple of awkward pauses. He keeps asking about "hobbies." Both our professions require precision with words, so I answer with the definition of hobby in my mind. I realized after the date that the reason I have a hard time answering the "hobbies" question is because I think of them as things you do repeatedly and often. I'm coming out of staying for a year in a small town. I didn't regularly go golfing; I didn't regularly get into arts and crafts; I didn't regularly volunteer; I didn't regularly go to the movies; I didn't regularly go wine tasting.
Maybe he means to be asking about my interests? I need to tell him what I'm interested in doing the next time he asks about hobbies...and yes, I know that what I regularly do these days is a bit boring. But at the same time, it's given me a lot of free time to think about this thing called life. I'm done thinking quite so much and am ready to get back into activities. I now just have to find a guy patient enough with my need to explore...and to explore all that's on my exploration list.
Today I had a double date. Not in the traditional sense. I met Guy 3 - E for coffee at 2:00 for a first date and then met Guy 1 - J for dinner as a second date. I feel odd. I've never been one to schedule two dates with two different people on the same day. But since I'm doing nothing more than talking to people, with the majority of my intent being on finding friends and nothing more at this stage, I decided I was being too straight laced.
I really had an easy time talking with Guy 3 - E. We sat down for coffee and talked; the first time I thought to look at my clock, I thought only maybe 30-40 minutes had gone by. It had actually been over an hour and I was late getting back to my car, he was late getting back to work from his lunch break. But I could tell...or at least I thought I could tell...that there wasn't much interest from him beyond just talking. I can't decide if it's appropriate for me to email him and say something along the lines of "hey, let's just be friends and go riding." He is cute and I would worry that maybe I read him wrong and a "just be friends" email might foreclose the possibility of something more.
Second date with Guy 1 - J was a little more comfortable than the first date. We were able to talk most of the date...only a couple of awkward pauses. He keeps asking about "hobbies." Both our professions require precision with words, so I answer with the definition of hobby in my mind. I realized after the date that the reason I have a hard time answering the "hobbies" question is because I think of them as things you do repeatedly and often. I'm coming out of staying for a year in a small town. I didn't regularly go golfing; I didn't regularly get into arts and crafts; I didn't regularly volunteer; I didn't regularly go to the movies; I didn't regularly go wine tasting.
Maybe he means to be asking about my interests? I need to tell him what I'm interested in doing the next time he asks about hobbies...and yes, I know that what I regularly do these days is a bit boring. But at the same time, it's given me a lot of free time to think about this thing called life. I'm done thinking quite so much and am ready to get back into activities. I now just have to find a guy patient enough with my need to explore...and to explore all that's on my exploration list.
Sign Post Ahead
Boundaries. Why do people not respect other people's boundaries? Early in any relationship, whether it's dating or professional, you are still getting to know your way around, figuring out how to navigate things. A little courtesy and respect are important.
Via the online dating service, I exchanged emails with one guy; he seemed like a nice guy. By his third email, he asked for more pictures. I purposefully have only one picture posted at this stage (even though I know I'd likely get more response with additional photos). In explaining why I only have the one photo, I also expressed my view that I'm really not hung up on the picture issue because I like to know people, both as potential friends and potential more than friends. Then I went off line for the night.
The next morning I found the guy had pinged three more emails to me...one at 3:47 a.m. In those emails were a request to give me a call and a request to chat online, although he said he understood the picture question. I sent a response email, still trying to give the guy (aka pushy-dude) the benefit of the doubt. I don't give my phone number out at this early stage and I don't do chat or IM. My process is to exchange a couple of emails to get a feel for whether there's any depth behind the profiles and then I meet for coffee or drinks. I even explained to pushy-dude that I know the guy not having my number means that if a conflict comes up and he can't make a coffee date, I get stood up but that I was okay with that. They are, after all, first dates with zero expectation other than to figure out if a second date is worth the effort.
He responded with a more lengthy email about where he was in his dating/divorce recovery process and said he understood why I had the limits in place. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and finally agreed to just meet for coffee. Coffee was planned for this morning. Last night he sent another two emails. One almost sounded like it was scolding me for not being online to exchange emails (i.e. rapid email exchange amounting to, basically, a form of IMing) and he also said he wanted to push me to break my no phone call rule. The other basically told (not asked) me to respond to his last email.
I checked personal emails just before going to bed last night (the dating service forwards emails from that system to my personal email). It really ticked me off that my boundaries weren't respected and in the course of twenty-four hours I was told he understood my no phone/no IM reasons, yet he was going to try to force me to reject my own reasoning on both fronts.
Of course, I sent him an email last night canceling coffee and indicating he just was coming on too strong for my taste. I also told him it bothered me that he didn't respect my boundaries. That was the last part of my email to him.
This morning I get an email indicating he understood my reason for cancelling...then he mentions he knows someone in my line of work (he knew I was looking for a job). He offers to forward my resume to this person...if I first give him my resume. Did he really think I would hand over a piece of paper with...wait for it....my phone number, among other identifying information like my last name, my mailing address, and my personal email address? What the????????? How is that giving any respect to my boundaries? Why not just give me the contact's information and let me decide if I wanted his contact to have my resume? (Granted, my resume contains a mailing address, a drop box, and does not have my home address...but there is other identifying information that can be gleaned from a resume).
I felt like I entered the Twilight Zone. I'm still blown away by it. Thankfully I cancelled before ever meeting the guy. But still...it made me feel like there are a segment of men out there that assume women are stupid. Do men really think women are stupid? I know, he's just a small sampling of the population.
A line from a Pat Benetar song keeps playing in my head "So the warnings went off in your head...." Luckily, I didn't, as the next line of the song goes, give in.
The boundaries question got me thinking about sign posts. As I'm navigating things, I am willing to rewrite some of the sign posts along the route. Experiences impact beliefs; people enter your life and you redefine what you knew before. But when it's clear to me what a sign post says, I'm not sure I want someone to force me to change it. Which may, actually, conflict with what I want with that "future-him." Or does it? Perhaps it doesn't actually conflict because I recognize boundaries and sign posts should be fluid...just not at the merely emailing/getting to know you stage...that's for sure!
Via the online dating service, I exchanged emails with one guy; he seemed like a nice guy. By his third email, he asked for more pictures. I purposefully have only one picture posted at this stage (even though I know I'd likely get more response with additional photos). In explaining why I only have the one photo, I also expressed my view that I'm really not hung up on the picture issue because I like to know people, both as potential friends and potential more than friends. Then I went off line for the night.
The next morning I found the guy had pinged three more emails to me...one at 3:47 a.m. In those emails were a request to give me a call and a request to chat online, although he said he understood the picture question. I sent a response email, still trying to give the guy (aka pushy-dude) the benefit of the doubt. I don't give my phone number out at this early stage and I don't do chat or IM. My process is to exchange a couple of emails to get a feel for whether there's any depth behind the profiles and then I meet for coffee or drinks. I even explained to pushy-dude that I know the guy not having my number means that if a conflict comes up and he can't make a coffee date, I get stood up but that I was okay with that. They are, after all, first dates with zero expectation other than to figure out if a second date is worth the effort.
He responded with a more lengthy email about where he was in his dating/divorce recovery process and said he understood why I had the limits in place. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and finally agreed to just meet for coffee. Coffee was planned for this morning. Last night he sent another two emails. One almost sounded like it was scolding me for not being online to exchange emails (i.e. rapid email exchange amounting to, basically, a form of IMing) and he also said he wanted to push me to break my no phone call rule. The other basically told (not asked) me to respond to his last email.
I checked personal emails just before going to bed last night (the dating service forwards emails from that system to my personal email). It really ticked me off that my boundaries weren't respected and in the course of twenty-four hours I was told he understood my no phone/no IM reasons, yet he was going to try to force me to reject my own reasoning on both fronts.
Of course, I sent him an email last night canceling coffee and indicating he just was coming on too strong for my taste. I also told him it bothered me that he didn't respect my boundaries. That was the last part of my email to him.
This morning I get an email indicating he understood my reason for cancelling...then he mentions he knows someone in my line of work (he knew I was looking for a job). He offers to forward my resume to this person...if I first give him my resume. Did he really think I would hand over a piece of paper with...wait for it....my phone number, among other identifying information like my last name, my mailing address, and my personal email address? What the????????? How is that giving any respect to my boundaries? Why not just give me the contact's information and let me decide if I wanted his contact to have my resume? (Granted, my resume contains a mailing address, a drop box, and does not have my home address...but there is other identifying information that can be gleaned from a resume).
I felt like I entered the Twilight Zone. I'm still blown away by it. Thankfully I cancelled before ever meeting the guy. But still...it made me feel like there are a segment of men out there that assume women are stupid. Do men really think women are stupid? I know, he's just a small sampling of the population.
A line from a Pat Benetar song keeps playing in my head "So the warnings went off in your head...." Luckily, I didn't, as the next line of the song goes, give in.
The boundaries question got me thinking about sign posts. As I'm navigating things, I am willing to rewrite some of the sign posts along the route. Experiences impact beliefs; people enter your life and you redefine what you knew before. But when it's clear to me what a sign post says, I'm not sure I want someone to force me to change it. Which may, actually, conflict with what I want with that "future-him." Or does it? Perhaps it doesn't actually conflict because I recognize boundaries and sign posts should be fluid...just not at the merely emailing/getting to know you stage...that's for sure!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Where's the dating manual?
Today I had a new first date and it actually went really well. We met for coffee this morning. I'm not sure why I waited so long to write about it. He seemed nice; was straightforward with where he's at in life; I enjoyed talking with him; and we approached things similarly in college. I originally felt like canceling when I woke this morning, but since he was driving from a ways away, I didn't. I don't know if I had more of a "just don't care" attitude or if he was just easier to talk with, but I was substantially less nervous today than I was Sunday. I was bubbly when I left the date. At the end he asked if I wanted to go out again and through the day I remained a bit hopeful that he meant it.
Still, I find this dating experience challenging. My heart is recovering from past hurts, and the most recent hurt seems oddly disproportionate. I still question myself and whether I should even feel hurt about that recent experience. I found myself driving away from this date and feeling like I was committing an act of betrayal, although there is no one in my life that I could be betraying by my actions. It caused a momentary sense of sadness to wash over me; I felt the loss all over again.
Which then made me wonder if I'm betraying myself some how and just haven't identified it yet.
I need to figure out an anonymous way to reference these guys because tomorrow evening I have date number 2 with Sunday's coffee date guy. And today's coffee date guy has already followed up this morning's comment with an email specifically asking me for date number 2. I'd call them Coffee Dude 1 and Coffee Dude 2...but then I have a first date on Saturday for wine tasting so the "Coffee Dude" nomenclature wouldn't work. Honestly, referring to them as "Dude" also feels a bit objectifying and demeaning. These are men in their 40s, not "Dudes" in the classic sense. Maybe just Guy 1, Guy 2, etc. I do think, at least for now, I'm going to be capturing my thoughts on this whole process. I know, I know, there are much wittier bloggers (see, for example, The Kinky Prude) who have chronicled the dating life. But, meh, it is what it is.
Guy 1 - J - first date: 5/22/11 at Starbucks
Guy 2 - B - first date: 5/24/11 at Starbucks
Guy 3 - E - first date: 5/25/11 (scheduled) at a local coffee shop
Guy 4 - A - first date: 5/28/11 (scheduled) at a local winery
And now I feel like I'm keeping some sort of score...when really I just mean to be figuring out a way to keep everyone straight. Having never been big on dating in my life, I'm not sure what is the best approach here. I guess like the rest of life, I'll figure it out as I navigate through it.
Still, I find this dating experience challenging. My heart is recovering from past hurts, and the most recent hurt seems oddly disproportionate. I still question myself and whether I should even feel hurt about that recent experience. I found myself driving away from this date and feeling like I was committing an act of betrayal, although there is no one in my life that I could be betraying by my actions. It caused a momentary sense of sadness to wash over me; I felt the loss all over again.
Which then made me wonder if I'm betraying myself some how and just haven't identified it yet.
I need to figure out an anonymous way to reference these guys because tomorrow evening I have date number 2 with Sunday's coffee date guy. And today's coffee date guy has already followed up this morning's comment with an email specifically asking me for date number 2. I'd call them Coffee Dude 1 and Coffee Dude 2...but then I have a first date on Saturday for wine tasting so the "Coffee Dude" nomenclature wouldn't work. Honestly, referring to them as "Dude" also feels a bit objectifying and demeaning. These are men in their 40s, not "Dudes" in the classic sense. Maybe just Guy 1, Guy 2, etc. I do think, at least for now, I'm going to be capturing my thoughts on this whole process. I know, I know, there are much wittier bloggers (see, for example, The Kinky Prude) who have chronicled the dating life. But, meh, it is what it is.
Guy 1 - J - first date: 5/22/11 at Starbucks
Guy 2 - B - first date: 5/24/11 at Starbucks
Guy 3 - E - first date: 5/25/11 (scheduled) at a local coffee shop
Guy 4 - A - first date: 5/28/11 (scheduled) at a local winery
And now I feel like I'm keeping some sort of score...when really I just mean to be figuring out a way to keep everyone straight. Having never been big on dating in my life, I'm not sure what is the best approach here. I guess like the rest of life, I'll figure it out as I navigate through it.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Back on Track?
After blundering around recently, I think I'm bumping along toward being back on track. I won't bore you with the full details of my blunder, but let's just put it in terms of it's left me wondering why people can't just say what they mean and mean what they say. While I'm working on forgiveness, I have to ask: what's the point in not being honest with yourself or other people?
Part of me is angry that my blunder now has me questioning every word out of everyone's mouth. I realize that's a fundamental trait I had all along, to question things, but it feels exaggerated right now. The tin soldiers guarding my heart and mind are now back in place, even as I know I don't want to always be on guard because it's exhausting. I picture them with little piles of cement around their bases, firmly sealing them in place.
I say I'm now bumping along toward being back on track because I made myself (yes, it was a push) sign up for online dating...and had my first coffee date today. I'm not sure really how it went. The date went okay, I believe. He asked what I would want to do if we got together again. But he also pings kind of sad, in a way. I don't know if that was nerves on his part. I'll just have to see where this takes me.
As I learn to navigate better, I hope I don't become cynical but fear I might. Opening your heart and mind up to someone is hard and scary, especially when it feels like time and time again it gets stomped on by recklessness and carelessness. I truly question if he saw his own blunders....
Part of me is angry that my blunder now has me questioning every word out of everyone's mouth. I realize that's a fundamental trait I had all along, to question things, but it feels exaggerated right now. The tin soldiers guarding my heart and mind are now back in place, even as I know I don't want to always be on guard because it's exhausting. I picture them with little piles of cement around their bases, firmly sealing them in place.
I say I'm now bumping along toward being back on track because I made myself (yes, it was a push) sign up for online dating...and had my first coffee date today. I'm not sure really how it went. The date went okay, I believe. He asked what I would want to do if we got together again. But he also pings kind of sad, in a way. I don't know if that was nerves on his part. I'll just have to see where this takes me.
As I learn to navigate better, I hope I don't become cynical but fear I might. Opening your heart and mind up to someone is hard and scary, especially when it feels like time and time again it gets stomped on by recklessness and carelessness. I truly question if he saw his own blunders....
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