Boundaries. Why do people not respect other people's boundaries? Early in any relationship, whether it's dating or professional, you are still getting to know your way around, figuring out how to navigate things. A little courtesy and respect are important.
Via the online dating service, I exchanged emails with one guy; he seemed like a nice guy. By his third email, he asked for more pictures. I purposefully have only one picture posted at this stage (even though I know I'd likely get more response with additional photos). In explaining why I only have the one photo, I also expressed my view that I'm really not hung up on the picture issue because I like to know people, both as potential friends and potential more than friends. Then I went off line for the night.
The next morning I found the guy had pinged three more emails to me...one at 3:47 a.m. In those emails were a request to give me a call and a request to chat online, although he said he understood the picture question. I sent a response email, still trying to give the guy (aka pushy-dude) the benefit of the doubt. I don't give my phone number out at this early stage and I don't do chat or IM. My process is to exchange a couple of emails to get a feel for whether there's any depth behind the profiles and then I meet for coffee or drinks. I even explained to pushy-dude that I know the guy not having my number means that if a conflict comes up and he can't make a coffee date, I get stood up but that I was okay with that. They are, after all, first dates with zero expectation other than to figure out if a second date is worth the effort.
He responded with a more lengthy email about where he was in his dating/divorce recovery process and said he understood why I had the limits in place. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt and finally agreed to just meet for coffee. Coffee was planned for this morning. Last night he sent another two emails. One almost sounded like it was scolding me for not being online to exchange emails (i.e. rapid email exchange amounting to, basically, a form of IMing) and he also said he wanted to push me to break my no phone call rule. The other basically told (not asked) me to respond to his last email.
I checked personal emails just before going to bed last night (the dating service forwards emails from that system to my personal email). It really ticked me off that my boundaries weren't respected and in the course of twenty-four hours I was told he understood my no phone/no IM reasons, yet he was going to try to force me to reject my own reasoning on both fronts.
Of course, I sent him an email last night canceling coffee and indicating he just was coming on too strong for my taste. I also told him it bothered me that he didn't respect my boundaries. That was the last part of my email to him.
This morning I get an email indicating he understood my reason for cancelling...then he mentions he knows someone in my line of work (he knew I was looking for a job). He offers to forward my resume to this person...if I first give him my resume. Did he really think I would hand over a piece of paper with...wait for it....my phone number, among other identifying information like my last name, my mailing address, and my personal email address? What the????????? How is that giving any respect to my boundaries? Why not just give me the contact's information and let me decide if I wanted his contact to have my resume? (Granted, my resume contains a mailing address, a drop box, and does not have my home address...but there is other identifying information that can be gleaned from a resume).
I felt like I entered the Twilight Zone. I'm still blown away by it. Thankfully I cancelled before ever meeting the guy. But still...it made me feel like there are a segment of men out there that assume women are stupid. Do men really think women are stupid? I know, he's just a small sampling of the population.
A line from a Pat Benetar song keeps playing in my head "So the warnings went off in your head...." Luckily, I didn't, as the next line of the song goes, give in.
The boundaries question got me thinking about sign posts. As I'm navigating things, I am willing to rewrite some of the sign posts along the route. Experiences impact beliefs; people enter your life and you redefine what you knew before. But when it's clear to me what a sign post says, I'm not sure I want someone to force me to change it. Which may, actually, conflict with what I want with that "future-him." Or does it? Perhaps it doesn't actually conflict because I recognize boundaries and sign posts should be fluid...just not at the merely emailing/getting to know you stage...that's for sure!
No comments:
Post a Comment