Things that make you go hmmm

As mentioned elsewhere, K is a great cook.  Tonight we were discussing one of my family recipes that I want to make...but which is packed and stored two states away.  He likes recipes and jokes that they are his form of porn.

In the discussion, I said, "I can't wait until I get a job and can move all my things up here to access the things I miss."

K responded, "If we break up, will you at least send me the recipe?"

Hmmm.

So I replied: "It depends on who breaks up with whom.  If you break my heart, I'll probably not share the recipe."

He was very, very quick to offer a pinkie swear, sealed with a kiss, that he would not break my heart.  That's our goofy way of making a "serious" (even when being playful) promise.

Hmmm.

By training and profession, words are valuable to me.  My impression is that he understands that.  But I hope he does really "get it."  Promising not to break my heart means something to me.  

Hmmm.

By virtue of a not so good nurture, words like "if we break up" sets alarms ringing in my head.  It was said with banter and a light tone.  But for me it's not something to joke about.

Hmmm.

As I sit here pondering, I wonder if he has a fear of me leaving him. He knows that originally my Plan B was to return to my prior locale if I didn't find a job.  Yet, as recently as two days ago, I told him it makes equal sense for me to get just any old job because returning only saves me rent...and I should be able to find a job where I earn enough to at least pay the rent.

I think he just taught me another lesson ~ that too many times, I take comments too personally, when, in fact, it is equally likely that he's worried for himself and not realizing the impact of his statement on me.

And now starts the self-recrimination for not assuring him better tonight.  Luckily, I see him tomorrow evening.

Fishing Part 2

Yesterday I fished for four and a half hours.  I caught two fish all on my own. =)  Actually, I landed three but one was foul hooked, so I had to release him.  When I was working on landing my fourth, the line broke, or my knot came undone (more likely the case) and I lost the fish.  So I nearly had my limit yesterday but for a few snafus.

K cleaned and filleted them for me and today I'm smoking them with a mesquite chip.

But why is this fishing story on my dating blog (besides the fact that I hear fishermen are supposed to brag a lot)?

More than once during the evening last night, K said he was proud of me and my fishing ability.  It's nice to have my newbie skills recognized and appreciated.  He claims he's bad at verbal communication; yet he's more than willing to express that he's proud.  Such a refreshing change from "that's great, dear."

And he let me get all dorky when I was talking about how much fun it was, how you could feel the whole crowd buzz with excitement when people started catching.  Well, maybe he just liked hearing the story 'cause he couldn't get out himself.

I like fishing...and I like this guy.

Fishing

Could it be a sign of "true love" (and I mean that in a humorous tone)?

K lives to fish.  He loves to fish.  He will forgo time with friends to fish and saves most of his vacation time for fishing.  For example, when his family comes to visit in October, he isn't taking any days off to hang out with them.  The only thing he will not do is call in sick to work in order to go fish. He's extremely responsible about work and has, in fact, never called in sick to any job his entire life.  I get discouraged for him because he works two jobs and really doesn't have a ton of time to fish.

He's introduced me to it and I enjoy fishing, too.  I'm finding a zen place in my mind when I cast and reel, cast and reel, cast and reel.  It shuts off the near constant chatter in my brain.  The lapping of the bay's water against my legs is relaxing.  The sound of the tide tumbling against the rocks is soothing.  The sunlight dappling off the water, or the sun setting behind gorgeous mountain ranges are beautiful.  The briny tang of the air is invigorating.  In my troubled, worrisome life, fishing is a bit of a respite.

But I have not hooked and landed my own fish.

And the man who loves to fish let me land one he hooked yesterday so that I could understand how the end game feels.  He gave up landing one of his own to make sure I was finding the joy in it.  It was slow fishing yesterday; he only hooked two and he gave me half of his fun.  *Big happy sigh*  And the two times before that we fished, he didn't catch anything, so it does seem more of a sacrifice in that light.

The Falling Part 3

Last night, when we were supposed to be having a sleep over without any "physical activity", we forgot the agreement and were soon not sleeping.  At one point, I fell out of the bed because I am just plainly that dorky...and klutzy...and I kind of slipped off the edge, banging my elbow on the platform frame.  It actually still hurts.

But I feel like it's been a long time since I gave my loyal readership of two something to laugh at.  So there you go; laugh with me please because I'm giggling as I write this.

Oh, and K laughed with me at first then grew very concerned and caring when it became clear my arm was a little tender after all.  When I said I was completely embarrassed, he eased my discomfort.

Safe in his arms

From now on, K gets space whenever he even hints about it.

Since Wednesday, he's been satisfying my needs (and I his).  Thursday night he made me smile, more extremely so than Wednesday night.  Last night, he brought a bit of creativity to the mix; he's obviously putting his mind to work.  I'm still disinclined to be explicit here; but last night what he added in, it took my body and mind to some place different than ever before with anyone.  I once had a similar emotional reaction with someone but it wasn't coupled with the full physical reaction.  Last night was truly unique, something I've only experienced with K.  My reasoning ability escaped me for a few minutes, my mind stopped processing, not even white noise intruded, and physically, I was later told, my whole body was shivering.

And K knew to wrap his arms around me tightly, to hold me, and to keep telling me I was safe while he stroked my hair.

I sit here remembering the feel of his arms around me as my intellect streamed back into my mind.  There was the silence of peace and bliss, broken only by the sound of his voice assuring me, with his strength physically manifesting what his words were saying.  Later, I thanked him for making me feel safe.  His response: "You are safe."

I'm memorializing this here, and elsewhere, to look upon it when I have those moments of worry and fear.  As I write these thoughts, I ask myself: why worry anymore?  He is the first man to hold me and tell me I am safe.  I felt safe in his arms. I continue to feel safe in the memory of it.

On second thought...

I'd really like to edit out some of the Space...the final frontier post.  But I made it my policy when I started this blog that I would only edit posts for mechanical problems (spelling, punctuation, my never ending battle with homophones).  I committed to myself that I would not remove posts.  Arguably "editing out" is "editing" but it's actually removing a chunk that falls into the objectionable category.  So to my two readers out there, please feel free to ignore the Space...the final frontier post.

Frankly, I think my substantial worry about the job market really brought me quite low this week.  Actually, there's no "thinking" about it: it brought me really down, in a way I haven't experienced for probably three and a half months now.  The confluence of those feelings with some questions about K made me ponder, yesterday, way too much the question of space.  I would actually have been terrible company for K those few days he was needing space because those were the hardest days I had this week in dealing with the job search.

Yet, a hug was what I needed most those few days.

The questions I asked in the post are still valid.  I just don't think I needed to spend so much time fussing over them.  Only time and further discussions with K will answer them.  And that's all I need to know for now.

Space...the final frontier

This week we dealt with the issue of space.  Let me share the context because I'm still sorting out things.  It's a confluence of feelings and sexual need, so I may be stating a touch more of the sexual side of things than I will state in the future.

Perhaps this is the first crack...and I worked really hard at not over thinking what this all meant.  Still, I feel I need to talk about it even if just to myself.  The whole situation has left me feeling a bit disconnected from K; but this week I also had really overwhelming negative feelings about my job search, so in that muddled state, I could be confusing myself.

Last Thursday, K was teaching me to tie knots, as I've recently learned I enjoy fishing.  He playfully placed the rope (loosely of course) around my neck.  This started the wheels spinning in the most delightful way.  He then made more than a few jesters that left me thinking he was taking things to a different level.  But that night there was no culmination for me, only him.

It was the first time that he did not also respond in kind; it was unusual for him to not look out for my needs as well and it made me feel a bit lost.  Honestly, it left me frustrated in a way I did not anticipate and is making me question control concepts even though control has not been turned over to him.  He hasn't earned the privilege or right to only look out for himself; to me we are still in a place where mutual satisfaction, a give and take, are appropriate.

We went out to a play on Friday, but then when it was over, it was clear he did not want me to go home with him.  That was a bit confusing because of comments he made during the day that indicated he was interested.  But I knew he was tired from work so I also understood where he was coming from even if it meant I would continue feeling frustrated.

Saturday, I expressly asked if we could deal with my frustration, although I stated it in different terms with him and kept things playful.  But we went fishing after he got off from his second job and by the time we made it back to his place, we were, initially, too tired for further physical activity.  My shower revived me enough, but I could tell he was still too tired himself.

Waking on Sunday, we didn't have enough time before he had to leave to his second job.  But it was clear he was ready; knowing how little time we had, I consciously chose not to start something that could not be finished for both of us and other than an obvious sign, he made no move to start something himself.  On Sunday afternoon, he was substantially more explicit in our text exchanges than he has ever been.  Yet, he didn't make plans for Sunday evening, or Monday, or Tuesday.  Sunday evening, in light of our off timing over the weekend, I explained that the teasing was more frustrating than fun at that point; still he continued to tease a bit.

We finally got together last night (Wednesday) and while my frustration was adequately dealt with, things were as they had been with him.  Six days of feeling frustrated and confused is making me almost sad.  Then I feel stupid that it's only six days and who am I to complain?  Yet, I was very unfulfilled sexually in my marriage and I think that makes me sensitive to being unfulfilled this early in the relationship.

It was really hard for me because nothing was expressly said about him needing space.  I did eventually talk to him on Tuesday about his need for space and he said, yes, he needed some space because sometimes he just likes being alone.  I completely get that, as when I'm working I sometimes need that, too.  But as I explained to him, what he said Sunday seemed to say we'd be seeing each other soon, but then he just went sort of silent that day.  In his mind, not making plans was enough to say "I need space."  In my mind, when I expressed a need and he teased back in a way indicating he meant to fulfill that need, that left me to speculate why suddenly he dropped the ball and the speculation could have been avoided if he had simply said Sunday that he needed a few days to himself.

He knows I tend toward over-thinking...about everything.  That's not something he does.  I honestly don't think he understands why I do it.  How could he when I don't fully understand why.  I think in an attempt to help me not expend unnecessary energy, he assured me that if something is bothering him, he'll tell me.  To me, the need to have some space was something that should have been mentioned and I just didn't understand why he didn't say so on his own and why he left it to me to figure out what was going on.

Aside from K, my reactions have me re-evaluating how far I actually am comfortable with control.  I see almost a return to a balance sheet tally mentality.  Yet, I also see myself looking out for my needs to make sure they are addressed.

When I talked to him on Tuesday, he did end the conversation by saying it was a breath of fresh air that we talk about things.  Tonight I intend to find out why talking through something is a breath of fresh air; I'm starting to wonder if this situation stems from limited experience, as from what little he's shared, his relationships don't usually last very long.  Granted, two and a half months is not long; but he's intimated that there have only been a handful of relationships that lasted past two months.  I suppose this implication also makes me worry, in the back of my mind, if he is nearing an end stage for this relationship, one that I can't discern because he's disinclined to tell me things that have happened before.  He hasn't spoken toward the future in any great detail in the last week or two except to say he's torn about an invite he has for Labor Day because it means we won't be able to spend any of the holiday weekend together.

I feel selfish, though.  He works two jobs; seven days a week he is at a "job" of some sort.  He spends a lot of time with me, but when that tempo of togetherness is altered without comment and with other conflicting signals happening, I get confused.

I care deeply for this man; it scares me, though, that I still don't feel comfortable just engaging in stream of consciousness discussions with him about issues like this when they come up.  I'm overly contemplative and edit how I pose questions or make points.  I want to trust that he'll tell me if something is wrong; but it feels like he failed to do so about something as simple as needing space.

Why?

I started this blog when I was beginning the dating process.  Initially, I thought it would take me a lot longer to meet someone with whom I click.  Looking back on my blogs, my very first date with K had a click that did not happen with anyone else.  We've only been dating now just over two months.  But I'm starting to wonder about why I'm still blogging.  The point, originally, was to keep my rationality while going through the process of meeting strangers in a strange land.  Now that I have someone with whom I'm very comfortable, why do I feel the need to still share with the world at large (okay, really, just my two readers)?

I think the answer might be simple:  I'm still learning to trust again and I have moments when that comfort slips from my grasp.  Yet, those moments are self created illusions (à la the Sabotage post).  Having a man's perspective on even a minute portion of what I put down here has helped certain things click into place in my head.  Thank you Mr. Frenulum.

Once I got over my over thinking about K having been on the online dating site, I realized there's been other little hints that he might need some reassurances about our relationship.  For the most part, as he makes most of those passing comments, I respond to them in reassuring ways.  But it took Mr. Frenulum's comment for it to click (again) in my head that men have very similar concerns about the relationship process.  I recognized this long ago when I worried about what boxes to check in my online profile.  K needing certain reassurances actually mirrors my need.

So why do I still blog?  Because I still:

• learn from those who take the time to post here - oh wait, that's only Mr. Frenulum :o)
• need other input to help me see different perspectives 
• look back and realize I make connections and then forget them.

Change is hard; but I think that even if K is not my forever guy, he is helping me learn to change some things about myself that I have disliked:  namely how my over thinking some things actually damages the very thing I'm thinking about.  It remains that I will still question things; I actually don't want to give up that part of my nature.  But what I do want to give up is my inclination to over think and immediately jump to the worst case scenario.  Formulating questions to gather more data does not require me to think the sky is falling.

So why do I still blog?  Because I'm also still teaching myself how to do better the next time around.  K deserves someone at her best and I intend to meet that challenge.

Sabotage

I am a saboteur.  My mind almost immediately goes to "worse case scenario." It's a condition from the past.  It's something that needs to stop.

In a broad sense (because details are privileged), K answers a great part of a sexual need I have had.  He may never go to the full extremes I envisioned, but he does things to and for me and takes me places that I've longed to go.  The extent he does go has shut off an almost overwhelming hunger I had for the first half of the year, such that my mind doesn't currently wander to the deeper levels.

In a detailed sense (because I've gone on about emotional stuff here already), K answers so many of my emotional needs.  Struggling with a tough job market, he is my cheerleader, my confidant, my motivator when I just can't do another cover letter.  Struggling to come to terms with past decisions that still break my heart today, he is my rock, my safe place to cry, my beacon in what could be an emotional abyss.  These are but two critical examples of a man already well vested in my happiness.

He is the kind of man that I want and deserve.  He is not only caring and considerate of me, but of others including strangers.

Don't get me wrong, things are not 100% perfect with him.  I'm not sure 100% actually exists.  But he knows deeper secrets about me than even my ex-husband and K has not run.  He's shared with me a deep secret of his.  Before that understanding, we did have a minor hiccup, but when I didn't run he settled into feeling more secure himself.  This, in turn, dealt with the hiccup.

I am resolved today to no longer be the saboteur.  I care deeply for this man; he answers nearly every key point on my relationship wish list; he answers the basics on my sexual wish list (and really, we've only just begun); he answers the generalities on my humanistic wish list.  I want him in my life and I am not going to seek out flaws that simply don't exist.

And the answer is....

The answer is I'm sort of an idiot.

K returned to the online dating site to try to figure out how to cancel his membership.  He thought he had it canceled and realized when he got his credit card bill he had not.  He went on to research the issue and still couldn't find what he had done wrong the first time.

In other words, he was in the same boat that triggered me going on yesterday, only having less success.  Even though he's younger than I am, he is less internet savvy, so his trouble in navigating the site does not strike me as odd.

In explaining how I happened to be on the service yesterday, he smiled when I said I had canceled my membership.

Talking about the trouble we both seem to have in canceling the memberships and shutting off emails, he brought up a couple of points that make me think the service simply does not want to let members go, which is why it's difficult to get the dang thing to shut off!  We both also laughed at some of the stories we could tell about "fake" ads.  In his ever assuring way, he noted he was glad he found someone real.

And he didn't seem bothered that I had to ask what he was doing on there.

This morning I told him he makes me feel happy and secure.

Pressure...pressin' down on me.

Perhaps Mr. Frenulum is correct:  that K's comment was seeking reassurance and I should stop future tripping.  I absolutely don't want a man that thinks about door number two.  I deserve to be someone's priority and for the most part, the things K says and does imply I'm important...although I feel like I've slipped in the priority scale a bit this week.  Still, he does invest a lot in making me feel important to him.

So, I have to ask...why has he been on the online dating site within the last week?

I accidentally came across this information when I was shutting down my membership; I hadn't realized until just before I got busy at the end of July that it was on auto-renew and when I thought I had let it expired, it hadn't.  So I went on, and because his profile was linked to mine, it popped up and I could see that he had been on in the last week.  His profile is still active, so he wasn't on there to hide it or cancel his membership from what I can tell.

Yes, I intend to ask him about it...in the next hour even.  I hope the explanation is reasonable; but honestly, I'm leaning toward being hurt.  Yes, I need more data before I can determine if being hurt is justified in the least. I hope it's not.  Yes, I recognize this inclination toward hurt is because I have been cheated on in the past.  I know he is not that man and he is the kind of person that would not cheat.  Still...

Perhaps he was, himself, feeling shaky last week, went there in case I was pulling away, and really was seeking reassurance as Mr. Frenulum suggests.  Only talking it through will give any answers; and it is, frankly, pointless to speculate.  But I'm writing out some of my worry here so I can be more rational when I talk to him shortly.

Future Tripping

I think I'm uncomfortable when K speaks toward the future.  On the one hand, it gives me a sense of security that he's interested in this relationship enough to consider the future.  But on the other, it makes me feel pressured in a way that I don't remember feeling pressure before.  I'm not sure how to handle it.

Take yesterday's example: looking through some old pictures on his camera, I came to one of a woman I didn't recognize.  I asked about it and it was an ex-girlfriend.  The date on the photo was 2010 but he seemed flabbergasted and dated the picture to 2009...despite my mentioning that the camera date was 2010.  Later in the evening, he asked if it made me uncomfortable that the photo was on there.  I explained the only reason I was uncomfortable was it made me wonder when I'm not in his life anymore, how easily he'll forget about me.

His response, perfect in most ways, was "well, you'll just have to stay in my life then."

Still mulling over why this makes me feel pressured.......