Sabotage

I am a saboteur.  My mind almost immediately goes to "worse case scenario." It's a condition from the past.  It's something that needs to stop.

In a broad sense (because details are privileged), K answers a great part of a sexual need I have had.  He may never go to the full extremes I envisioned, but he does things to and for me and takes me places that I've longed to go.  The extent he does go has shut off an almost overwhelming hunger I had for the first half of the year, such that my mind doesn't currently wander to the deeper levels.

In a detailed sense (because I've gone on about emotional stuff here already), K answers so many of my emotional needs.  Struggling with a tough job market, he is my cheerleader, my confidant, my motivator when I just can't do another cover letter.  Struggling to come to terms with past decisions that still break my heart today, he is my rock, my safe place to cry, my beacon in what could be an emotional abyss.  These are but two critical examples of a man already well vested in my happiness.

He is the kind of man that I want and deserve.  He is not only caring and considerate of me, but of others including strangers.

Don't get me wrong, things are not 100% perfect with him.  I'm not sure 100% actually exists.  But he knows deeper secrets about me than even my ex-husband and K has not run.  He's shared with me a deep secret of his.  Before that understanding, we did have a minor hiccup, but when I didn't run he settled into feeling more secure himself.  This, in turn, dealt with the hiccup.

I am resolved today to no longer be the saboteur.  I care deeply for this man; he answers nearly every key point on my relationship wish list; he answers the basics on my sexual wish list (and really, we've only just begun); he answers the generalities on my humanistic wish list.  I want him in my life and I am not going to seek out flaws that simply don't exist.