Today I had a new first date and it actually went really well. We met for coffee this morning. I'm not sure why I waited so long to write about it. He seemed nice; was straightforward with where he's at in life; I enjoyed talking with him; and we approached things similarly in college. I originally felt like canceling when I woke this morning, but since he was driving from a ways away, I didn't. I don't know if I had more of a "just don't care" attitude or if he was just easier to talk with, but I was substantially less nervous today than I was Sunday. I was bubbly when I left the date. At the end he asked if I wanted to go out again and through the day I remained a bit hopeful that he meant it.
Still, I find this dating experience challenging. My heart is recovering from past hurts, and the most recent hurt seems oddly disproportionate. I still question myself and whether I should even feel hurt about that recent experience. I found myself driving away from this date and feeling like I was committing an act of betrayal, although there is no one in my life that I could be betraying by my actions. It caused a momentary sense of sadness to wash over me; I felt the loss all over again.
Which then made me wonder if I'm betraying myself some how and just haven't identified it yet.
I need to figure out an anonymous way to reference these guys because tomorrow evening I have date number 2 with Sunday's coffee date guy. And today's coffee date guy has already followed up this morning's comment with an email specifically asking me for date number 2. I'd call them Coffee Dude 1 and Coffee Dude 2...but then I have a first date on Saturday for wine tasting so the "Coffee Dude" nomenclature wouldn't work. Honestly, referring to them as "Dude" also feels a bit objectifying and demeaning. These are men in their 40s, not "Dudes" in the classic sense. Maybe just Guy 1, Guy 2, etc. I do think, at least for now, I'm going to be capturing my thoughts on this whole process. I know, I know, there are much wittier bloggers (see, for example, The Kinky Prude) who have chronicled the dating life. But, meh, it is what it is.
Guy 1 - J - first date: 5/22/11 at Starbucks
Guy 2 - B - first date: 5/24/11 at Starbucks
Guy 3 - E - first date: 5/25/11 (scheduled) at a local coffee shop
Guy 4 - A - first date: 5/28/11 (scheduled) at a local winery
And now I feel like I'm keeping some sort of score...when really I just mean to be figuring out a way to keep everyone straight. Having never been big on dating in my life, I'm not sure what is the best approach here. I guess like the rest of life, I'll figure it out as I navigate through it.
I don't think there's a manual, alas :o)
ReplyDeleteGood for you for getting out of the starting gate! Even if none of these first few pan out, that was an important step.
There is no one you could be betraying: therefore your feeling of sadness was not betrayal. Could it just be worry about starting to let yourself get involved with someone, knowing that not all emotional relationships end well?
A chronicle is not scorekeeping. When you start to rate them on a 1-10 scale for their sexual talents, *that's* scorekeeping :o)