What the???

So in my divorce recovery, I took inventory of my life.  Through that process, I started reading things on the internet because I decided I deserved, among other things, a substantially improved sex life.  Sex is not "everything" but when you think about all the side benefits, it's important.  It is, as I knew but was reminded by a friend, a form of the most intimate communication.  It is good exercise, if you are actively participating, that is.  I think it makes my skin glow...or that just might be the glow of happiness.

In my inventory process and subsequent research, I began corresponding with Mr. Frenulum.*  Those exchanges helped me more precisely define my "future-him" and what traits I want for a more fulfilling sexual side.  I promise I haven't whipped out the Cosmo list of things I want.  But the early discussions and activities with K include some of the things I very much want.  He also seems open to considering other things that may not have been previously on his own radar but in which I have an interest.

I, however, am not giving you specific details because that is something between K and I.  I believe it suffices to say that I am happy to be on this path at this moment in time.

But the ever diligent inquisitor also never leaves my head.  I've known this man 19 days and, yes, I have already had sex with him if you were unclear.  Is that too fast?  In the moments with him, it feels just comfortable.  Away from him, I question the appropriateness.

Then I realize:  it's my life and I'll do what the ??? I want with it because I am not hurting anyone by enjoying this right now.  The inquisitor says: "Ah, but you might hurt yourself in the future."  That statement has held me back for far too long and I think I would like to turn it off for a while.

Yesterday, I got disappointing news:  I did not get a job that I was really interested in and which I had a fairly positive interview a couple of weeks ago.  I was sad for about an hour.  Then I realized that wallowing didn't change anything.  I still wouldn't have the job when I was done wallowing, whether I pouted for an hour or days.  Wallowing only made the sadness linger longer.  I think questioning the future hurt that could, potentially, never arrive is like wallowing.  In fact, questioning a possible future hurt could be worse than wallowing because it will cause my mind to not be in the present.

And let's just say, oh my god, keeping my mind in the present these last couple of days has been so very delightful and enjoyable and spectacular and multi-orgasmic.

As an aside, general awesomeness from K:

(1) When he heard about the job thing, he was supportive and encouraging without a pity party attitude.  It was more of "okay, this happened, sorry it did, but let's figure out how to move forward."  I need more of that kind of support in my life.  I get it from other sources, a bit, but it was just nice to see it in K, too.

(2) He took me out to cheer me up in general but by then I was already happy, in a small (large??) part, because I was spending the evening with him.  Still, we went to three different places for different bites to eat.  I've always wanted to do that "skip around town" thing...turns out, it's his preferred mode of eating out so he can try more things.

(3) When we stopped at a local park to admire the beautiful city views, we sat on a park bench.  He saw a couple taking pictures of each other and, without a word, left my side to go offer to take one of them together...I had the same impulse and was probably two minutes behind him mentally on acting on it.  I have never dated a guy that just does the right thing that often (this is, of course, but one example) without me first leading the way.  I actually felt a little bad because I hadn't acted on my own impulse.  He really objected to me verbalizing my admiration because he doesn't feel people should get credit for simply doing the right thing. Absolutely amazing. Still stunned because he not only did it, but also seems to get that you don't do it for the praise or reward...the doing is important enough on its own.

(4) His family's happiness is important to him even though his family isn't a controlling factor in his life per se.  This one is hard to explain, but he's going on vacation with his parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephews and K really does not seem the least bit bothered that they are doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do - he mentioned that they are doing the vacation for the boys.  That's amazing to me for some reason.  Yet, I don't think he lets his family dictate his life.  He is from a different ethnic background than I am, but when he tells me stories from his past, I've never gotten any hint that his family would object to the kinds of friends he keeps.

There's more...but these are just a few of the happy highlights that came to mind as I ramble on here.

And there are two little areas of concern:

(1) He seems concerned about being my "rebound" guy, even though my divorce was two years ago.  I can't explain to him any better why he isn't.  So we joked today that by Date 15, the label would no longer apply.  With some creative analysis on the things we've done over the last 19 days, I actually got the Date tally to 15 as of this morning's, ah-hem, Date.  Yet, I wonder if we shouldn't have a serious discussion about it.  He had what he's implied was a hard break up about a year ago...maybe I'm his rebound girl.  I think I must ponder this.  He's reluctant to share that story because he doesn't like bringing baggage...yet, he asks me (and I tell him) things about my ex and I've explained that it's baggage if you let it hold you back; it's life experience if you've learned from it and moved on.  I guess, perhaps, I'm concerned he hasn't moved on, completely, because he's guarding that part of him.

(2)  More than once in the last 36 hours (as in enough that it was noticeable) he's said things like "I love when you do X" or "I love this about you."  I usually say "I enjoy" or "I really like".  It's way too early for there to be things about me that he loves.  I really like this guy; enough so that I don't want to spring into anything too quickly.  I know men communicate differently than women.  But if I were saying "I love these things", I would be telling the other person that I was already falling for him.  The fact that he says them is making me a little concerned about rushing in...even as I keep feeling comfortable as he speaks those words.  I don't get scared when he says it; it's more an intellectual objection that comes on later.  Maybe it's the inquisitor back asking "What the ????" because this is just too fast.  Or it's just right for right now.

I'm sticking with the latter.
______________________________________________________________________
* For those of you interested in it, I would encourage you to read Mr. Frenulum's Blog, or his wonderful body of work.  While not everything he says is on my particular "must have" list, it is delightful mind candy as well as helpful in determining what is important enough to be on the list.