I love this man....

Not much time to write.  But here are some facts:

I finally got a job in a new industry and have been actually pretty happy about possibly leaving my old career completely behind.  K took me out on Friday to celebrate landing a new job.  We went to a very nice place and the man looks wonderful in a full suit...I'm just saying.  While at dinner, he said: "Thank you for giving us something to celebrate."  I'm not sure why that resonates with me two days later.  It felt like an acknowledgement that there is an "us."

Last night I dreamed of a particular activity.  This morning, still half asleep, I mentioned the dream to K.  He asked if he should do that to me...with a special tone in his voice.  He really does want to fulfill my dreams.

We've spent the last four nights together.  Last night he said:  "This is really, really, really, really comfortable." (Yes, I counted the "reallys").

I've been apart from him for about eight hours now.  I really, really, really, really miss him...just laughing and talking with him.  It's odd to me to miss *him* that much because when I first started out in this relationship, I thought it'd be a good, fun sexual excursion while I continued looking for a job.  But when he obviously thinks of "us," fulfills my dreams, is comfortable with me, and I just simply miss him, I start to wonder where we might end up.

For now, I'm so extremely happy with him in every possible way, that I'm content to just be.

I love this man....and it's starting to feel like it's a better kind of love than I've given before.  And trust me, I've tried really hard to look for bad stuff to say about him and it just doesn't seem to exist.

ETA:  Okay, this week he did make me cry.  But it was because he told me that I really do deserve to be happy whether with or without him.  He then said that when we met, I knew that I deserved it, but I didn't *know* it.  I cried that he would be that aware, early on, and honest.  And then I whispered that I want to be happy with him.

Blurts

Tomorrow I meet his family.  I just started getting nervous.

Tonight before I left his house, as we were saying good-bye in a unique way, he whispered, "You have one more, let me have it."  I began to fear he's reading my emails with Mr. Frenulum.

This weekend I insisted on helping around his house, getting it ready for his family's visit.  I didn't even do that much "domestic" when I was married.  I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.

Today, while cleaning, I noticed he has the book "Assholes Finish First" by his bedside.  I really try to never snoop around his house: he trusts me enough to be there when he's not; I don't want to breach that trust by snooping.  But I was making the bed, had to move the book, and noticed the title.  The fact he would be reading it really bothers me and I'm not sure why.  I certainly would be offended if he dictated my reading genres.  Perhaps its because he started reading it in July, after we started dating.

Yesterday was the first time I felt like he didn't listen to me.  I was making dinner (a rarity) and asked to use a particular pan he hardly ever uses.  He said sure.  A few minutes later he came in, asking what I was making in it, and then asked me to put it away because he rarely uses it.  I feel petty that it hurt, a bit, that he didn't really listen to the question the first time it was asked.

This evening he said, more than once, how much he appreciated my help.  He said he hadn't wanted me to do so much but that he really did appreciate how much I did.  When asked why he didn't want help, he commented about it being his house and his responsibility, his burden.  But he didn't have a response when I said it's okay to share the burden now and again.

Tonight he also admitted he purposefully introduced me to his fishing buddy because he knew the gossip chain would happen exactly as it did: that it would get back to his family that we were dating.  I plan to ask him later why he didn't want to tell his family about me himself.

Six Degrees

I don't think I mentioned it, but at the very end of July or in early August, K said something about meeting his parents if we were still dating in October.  This kind of freaked me out a bit and I asked him to not look too far into the future.  As I mulled it over, my mind settled into the fact that looking toward the future like that was, in fact, a very positive sign.  Well, I also got there through consideration of some thoughtful comments on this blog. =)

Then I talked with one of my buddies, D, that I met through the online dating site.  We went hiking (with K's full knowledge) shortly after D returned from a visit to K's home state.  After talking a lot about a relationship issue he was having with the woman he is dating, D then he asked me what was going on.  I mentioned the potential of meeting K's parents.  D has spent some time in K's state and explained that it might mean something completely different to K than it means to me, since K's home state is much more relaxed and laid back.  I can accept that.

Since K mentioned the meeting the parents thing nearly two months ago, I've diligently avoided bringing it back up.  Of course, I'm not absolutely sure I'm navigating correctly, but it felt right to not initiate the conversation.  If there had been a mind shift, I wanted him to have the freedom of not being pressured to introduce me to his family (it's actually his parents, sister, brother-in-law, and two nephews that are coming to visit).  He has dated long enough that I think he knows it means a bit of "something", even if the level of "something" is different.  So if the introduction didn't happen, I have already decided I would talk to him about why after the fact because it could mean we view the relationship differently and that's something important to know after four months with him . . . but it wasn't something that needed to be sorted out before the family visit.

Guess what.  I'm meeting his family.  And he was the one that brought it back up.  I'm not sure if he is actually being a little pressured to do the introduction, though.  Here's why:

He's from a small state but knows a few different people from his home state that live here.  Last night K told me that another of his fishing buddies, T, who I met, mentioned to T's friend back home that K and I were dating.  T, T's friend back home, and K's brother-in-law all work in the same industry.  T's back home friend mentioned it to K's brother-in-law, who, of course, mentioned it to K's sister, who, of course, mentioned it to K's parents.  K's sister has already quizzed him on whether they would be meeting "this woman" he is dating.

In less than six degrees of separation, word got back to his family that he was seeing someone pretty consistently. Yet, I have heard him on the phone telling his mom when he doesn't want to do something (like take a vacation day or two when they are visiting).  It seems if he didn't want to make the introduction, he would have told his family no and not mentioned it to me.  Okay, and so he had a fun, goofy smile on his face while telling me the story, reinforcing the idea that he's happy about this outcome and not being pressured.

He once told me he doesn't introduce dates to friends or family.  I think it means something that I'm being introduced to both.

T, who started this chain of events, is also having a birthday celebration for his youngest.  The invitation was sent to K's house but addressed to Uncle K and Auntie H.  That must have been okay for K because he made a point of keeping the invite and showing it to me (it arrived about a week ago).  It was, again, something that he could have just kept from me.

On top of these things making me feel very emotionally secure with this man, last night he surprised me all the more when we went to bed.  He brought an additional element into things and took me nearly exactly as I have craved, but which I've only told him probably 20% of all that he ended up doing.  He seemed to know the other 80% on his own.  I still feel he's new to this path, but he does seem to figure things out.  With that coming so close on the heels of the emotional security, I sit here, writing this out and think:  we just took two steps closer to K being my future-him.

(And then the dual response team in my brain shouts out "We are only taking small, itty-bitty, tinny tiny, baby steps, sister, and don't you forget it!!!!")

The Falling, Part 5

I fell.  Again.  While fishing.  Ugh.

I honestly don't remember ever being this klutzy.  Admittedly, I'm a klutz.  But this much?!?!?!?!?!  Hurt my wrist enough this time that K noticed, while we were still fishing, that I was holding the rod oddly.  He offered me an ace bandage on the way home.

K also made me fall more for him this weekend.  He related a story about his fishing friend commenting how amazing I was when I helped the friend in his small business on Saturday.  K said he was told to not scare me away.  I responded, "What could you do that would possibly scare me away?"  He then admitted the friend hadn't actually said not to scare me away...instead, K was just saying he doesn't want me to go.

Aw Shucks.  I feel really, really, really lucky to have this man in my life right now.  Especially in light of his, um, actions this morning.  Emotionally and physically things just keep getting better. =)  and  :o)

Weirdness???

The past two weeks, I've been helping one of K's friends who just started a small business.  I've only helped out three different days, but it gives me something fun to do while job searching.  Staying busy helps keeps my spirits up.  This friend is in K's circle of fishing/home-state friends.

K also introduced me to a different set of friends last night.  These are all the ladies with whom he works at his professional job.*  Most of them are old enough to be his mother, so they have maternal feelings about him.  I was nervous, but just decided to be myself and found I had a wonderful time laughing with everyone (even though I drank a lot less than most of them).

The weirdness super question mark in this post is because of the following.  I had met the fishing buddy and his wife a couple of months ago and at that time, they quizzed me about how we met...but the fishing buddy asked this week about my view on children and also asked again how K and I met.  Then yesterday, his wife asked something similar about children.  At first these did not strike me as odd.  But then last night, all of his work friends also quizzed me on the same things.

Separately, K brought up the process of raising children twice in the last two weeks and seemed to be asking my opinions on some things; and last night he went on...and on...about how one of his work friends is on her second marriage and it's really positive for her even though they've already been married sixteen years and that "sometimes the second time is the best."  Last night he also said something about no longer being embarrassed about having met through an online dating site because he now knows he found something worth keeping.

Normally, if these various comments had been spaced out a bit more, it wouldn't be on my mind.  But everything coming so close together, and the fishing friends asking questions they already asked a while ago, just makes me feel like K might be saying some really positive things about our relationship.  I started this post thinking something was going on....and I didn't start out recognizing the possibility of positive comments from him...that just struck me as I drafted this paragraph.  Originally I was thinking something weird/odd was going on.  But I think I'm just going to accept that his friends asked these serious questions, and he made some sort of serious comments, all because this relationship is good for him.  It's definitely good for me.  I think instead of fretting over what these comments mean, I'm just going with the idea it means he's happy when he mentions me.
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*K has a degree with a major and two minors, all completed in four years. :o)  His M-F job utilizing his degree and he is on a professional track.  His weekend job is at a grocery store and he calls it his "fun job."  I think he spends a lot of his time at the store coming up with recipes he wants to try.

Learning curve

The concept of a learning curve applies to relationships and I don't think I ever realized that before.  As usual, there's a story behind this recognition.

We fished Friday evening and K landed seven and kept two.  The other five had started showing effects of their migration process, which tends to make the meat less tasty.  I, on the other hand, kept getting skunked by those smart fish ~ I lost track of how much bait they stole.  But here's a secret:  I actually sometimes like to just watch K because of how relaxed he looks when he's focused, so I was happy with our evening.

Today I built an insulator for K's smoker.  The weather has turned a bit, and so to help the smoking process along, we needed to make sure the smoker stays as warm as possible.  In my married life, when I contemplated any projects around the house, part of my analysis in the planning stage was making sure I thought through as much as possible because I just didn't want to deal with additional comments or "insights" from the ex...and I didn't want to hear complaints when I was finished with the project.  While I was at the hardware store this morning, I started to get a bit of that stress factor going on.

Then I stopped.  K is generally relaxed about pretty much everything.  He knows life isn't perfect and it's wasted energy trying to make things "perfect."  As someone who works seven days a week, he's also generally thankful when I do things for him (although he says he typically doesn't let anyone do anything for him).  In general, he just appreciates the fact that I was willing to smoke his fish and adding the insulator project was "bonus."

So while starting to fret in the store, I realized that no matter how good or bad the project came out, K would be glad I tried.  He might point out things I could have done differently, but he wouldn't be critical of effort I extended.  For some reason, I realized when I completed the project that I was generally more relaxed going about it than I would have been three or four years ago.  I just rolled with it.

Guess what.  It came out better than I expected.  It doesn't match the "perfect" image in my head, but it looks a lot better than I thought it would.  Being relaxed about the whole thing made it a lot easier in general, which is what I think made it come out pretty decently.  I, of course, thought about the "why" of it all.  Ultimately, I sent K a text thanking him for unknowingly teaching me another lesson today:  not overthinking/stressing/worrying about stuff sometimes makes things easier...and better.

Three Little Words

Lately I've felt a mind shift in how I feel and think about my relationship with K.  Last Thursday night, I recognized the mind shift can be traced back to three little words: "You are safe."

It was recent, August 19 to be exact, that I first felt the comfort of a man holding me and telling me I am safe with him.  Diligently reviewing my past, I still do not recall anyone ever doing that before.  I feel like K knew I needed that reassurance more than just to help me return to earth the night of the 19th: he may have very well understood my whacked out reactions to things related to a generalized fear that seems to have been ingrained in my brain.

I'll give you that this occurred just 23 days ago.  But I've not really had any of my normal freak out reactions since then and that's a pretty long time to not even have a minor one given how other things in my life have triggered some down feelings.

There are two other concrete examples of my mind shifting over these three little words.

The minor example is what triggered me recognizing how important were those three little words.  He told me that he got an email from the online dating site and logged on to respond to the email.  He was on an auto-pay for three months at a time, so when the canceling thing came up in July, he had inadvertently paid for his membership until October.  In telling me, he assured me there "is only one hottie for him."  The fact that he had to log on didn't freak me out like it did last time.  Part of it is him telling me upfront; but also I just *knew* he was telling me the truth about logging on not to search but to send a polite "no thank you."   Thinking about my reaction, I told him then and there that my mind shifted in how I think of "us" and the shift occurred on the night he held me and told me I was safe.

The major example is that this weekend, for some practical reasons, he was the only one that was fulfilled sexually.  I had a bit of a release, but not to even the normal minimal amount (and, okay, I did really enjoy making sure he was fulfilled ~ yes, Mr. Frenulum you just might have been right in your analysis on this point).  Last month, I was frustrated over a similar turn of events although I'll grant you that part of last month's frustration was because I wasn't an active participant in the way things played out and this time, part of my not getting "everything" was by my choice.

Today I contemplated the fact that I might not see K and get all the delights that might be until Thursday this week.  The thought did not tail spin me.  What echoed back from the empty recesses of my mind is that I simply feel safe and secure in the knowledge that eventually what I want will be on the table.  I trust this man to eventually fulfill me, even beyond what I think I need.

I also feel secure and safe in the knowledge that this man actually seems to just "get me."  This week we dealt with basically a lie I said.  I hadn't talked to him about my mom having a bilateral mastectomy and how worried I was for her.  He knew she had a breast cancer diagnosis but hadn't wanted to ask questions until I was ready to talk.  I, on the other hand, hadn't wanted to talk to him about it because, like my job search fears, I wanted to protect our time together and be happy in those moments, not worried.

But I've been kind of distracted (which I think contributed to my fall the other day).  Wednesday night he asked about me being distracted and if I was worried about something.  I lied and said no.  Thursday morning, I was really bothered by the lie.  It was the only time I haven't been honest with him.  My mind kept ringing with the fact that if the situation were reversed, I would want to know what was on his mind so I could help.  I sent a lengthy email explaining and apologizing.  He then addressed my most pressing concerns on Thursday...and Saturday he asked follow up questions.

His reaction is that he didn't view it as a lie but more me telling him only as much as I thought he needed to be told.  He was completely supportive of the fact I had a hard time telling him; and in the same email, he mentioned that he knows the job search is taking a toll on me.  The man is aware enough of me that he sees the parts I try to hide.

The conclusion:  speaking those three words just might mean I don't have to hide.

And looking at the above words, in black and white, I don't seem to be as scared as I was just a few days ago when I talked about taking a step forward.

Oh, and those other three little words don't need to be said because by and through nearly every action he already says "I love you" to me.  Daily.  But he has told me those three little words, too.  =)