For the second time in a month, I'm on a work related project with exceedingly long hours, but only for a short stint. Fortunately, this time the project is in the city in which we live. Because the hours are so long, I'm staying downtown in a hotel and not commuting home each night. Oddly, or not, K and I both say we miss the other person. Luckily, yesterday was a short day and K came downtown to spend a few hours with me...and to spend the night, too.
Sometimes I leave him little notes when I slip away from his house after him. Today, I left him a note in the bathroom of the hotel room, as I was the first to leave this time. When I got back to my room tonight, I was a little sad that there wasn't a return note. I guess the adage that we treat others as we want to be treated is definitely true in this case. Being somewhat exhausted for all the right reasons, I think tiredness just made me forget how wonderful he is regardless of whether there's a note or not.
Realizing that not everyone thinks the same about these little things, I went about my evening and let go of the momentary blip. Reaching for my PJs, which were hanging on a bathroom hook, I discovered that K had hidden a card behind them. Wow. It was even a Hallmark card. =) I was flabbergasted to say the least. I've never gotten him a card. Wow. He had to actually plan ahead to do that.
Repeatedly this guy has shown that he is a quality individual, interested in doing the right thing for the right reasons, time and time again exceeding my expectations. Rejoicing in all that he already does, on just a basic level, makes me happier than I've been in too long to consider.
All this leaves me to ask: when will I learn to simply accept that he is, as far as I can tell, an amazing guy? When will I learn to stop fretting over inconsequential things, like a note, and accept that he usually covers those bases all on his own initiative? When will I learn that it is possible for someone to care for me exactly how I have always wanted?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
The Still of the Night
Last night, I awoke for about an hour. Even in the still of the night, K made me feel comfortable, happy, safe and secure. The silly little things really mean a lot to me. And so, yet again, I share a such a story.
I have this thing I do...when I feel connected to someone with whom I'm sharing a bed, a part of me wants to be in physical contact, whether its a foot touching foot, a hand caressing hand, spooned together, or what-have-you. I suppose I should have recognized as a sign of discontent that very early in the marriage, I just didn't want that connection with the ex. The physical connection brings a bit of peace to mind as I sleep; and very much so with K. It used to be, however, that I would feel smothered if held too closely, with my face pressed into a man's chest. Happily, when K holds me that way, I relax more fully and can feel the tension leaving my body. I haven't ever felt smothered by him. Interesting.
But I digress; back to last night. When I woke, I was concerned about fidgeting and waking K. Other worries were on my mind and the wheels started turning, so I knew I'd be awake for a bit. Purposefully, I slid a bit away from him so as to let him sleep. I broke that contact with him. During the course of the hour, he tossed and turned a bit but remained mostly asleep, as evidenced by his breathing patterns. Still nearly every single time but one that he moved, he reached out to me in some way, reconnecting. With a hand, with a foot, a couple of times with a kiss. I'm not sure if he knew I was awake the whole time; I was laying with my eyes closed trying to get back to sleep.
It brings a sense of security to me that he reaches out for me in just the way I crave; he seeks me out even when he might be unaware that he is doing so. And since I find the need to be connected is an odd one, I never told him of it. He either observed it on his own or he mirrors me in even something as random as touching during sleep.
Fascinating. Yet, the dual response team in my brain is forcing me to say that I will try not to read too much into the fact that we seem to match on so many levels. Including a few new intimate levels that developed this weekend along the lines of exactly what I crave in that arena as well. =)
We woke holding hands, face to face, foreheads almost touching. My day started happily indeed.
I have this thing I do...when I feel connected to someone with whom I'm sharing a bed, a part of me wants to be in physical contact, whether its a foot touching foot, a hand caressing hand, spooned together, or what-have-you. I suppose I should have recognized as a sign of discontent that very early in the marriage, I just didn't want that connection with the ex. The physical connection brings a bit of peace to mind as I sleep; and very much so with K. It used to be, however, that I would feel smothered if held too closely, with my face pressed into a man's chest. Happily, when K holds me that way, I relax more fully and can feel the tension leaving my body. I haven't ever felt smothered by him. Interesting.
But I digress; back to last night. When I woke, I was concerned about fidgeting and waking K. Other worries were on my mind and the wheels started turning, so I knew I'd be awake for a bit. Purposefully, I slid a bit away from him so as to let him sleep. I broke that contact with him. During the course of the hour, he tossed and turned a bit but remained mostly asleep, as evidenced by his breathing patterns. Still nearly every single time but one that he moved, he reached out to me in some way, reconnecting. With a hand, with a foot, a couple of times with a kiss. I'm not sure if he knew I was awake the whole time; I was laying with my eyes closed trying to get back to sleep.
It brings a sense of security to me that he reaches out for me in just the way I crave; he seeks me out even when he might be unaware that he is doing so. And since I find the need to be connected is an odd one, I never told him of it. He either observed it on his own or he mirrors me in even something as random as touching during sleep.
Fascinating. Yet, the dual response team in my brain is forcing me to say that I will try not to read too much into the fact that we seem to match on so many levels. Including a few new intimate levels that developed this weekend along the lines of exactly what I crave in that arena as well. =)
We woke holding hands, face to face, foreheads almost touching. My day started happily indeed.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Sexting
Wow. Just engaged in what I think the kids these days call sexting. Not fully so...more a bantering back and forth with K while he gets ready to head to the airport. I cannot wait to kiss him and to feel his arms around me. I really hope he means to do every last thing he mentioned...well, maybe not all at once. ;o) The sweet torture of anticipation is, I believe, his dastardly plan...and I like it...A LOT. How did he know to tease in just the way he did?
Today I thanked the universe because I feel really lucky right now. Not only does he answer many of my wish list items for relationships in general, it really feels like we are moving organically more toward where I want to be sexually. We've talked about some of our individual preferences, but I haven't fully disclosed everything I think I desire and neither has he. Yet, he keeps taking steps in those directions. =)
I also thanked the universe because the hard work this past week and in the next two means that I have about four more months of breathing room for finding a job. The time away from K was hard, but having "bought" myself more time up here to spend with K while I continue my search was so very worth it.
The squeak in my head has changed a bit. It's not "I hope I don't jinx this" kind of thing so much anymore. It's more "is this authentic to both of us." I continue to try and be straightforward and honest; being my plain, dorky self. He seems to be doing the same. I really need to find the off button to my worrying and just enjoy the moment.
I'm giddy with anticipation at seeing him tonight...he can't get here fast enough. I actually feel a bit nervous for some reason. Where's the TARDIS when you need it?
Today I thanked the universe because I feel really lucky right now. Not only does he answer many of my wish list items for relationships in general, it really feels like we are moving organically more toward where I want to be sexually. We've talked about some of our individual preferences, but I haven't fully disclosed everything I think I desire and neither has he. Yet, he keeps taking steps in those directions. =)
I also thanked the universe because the hard work this past week and in the next two means that I have about four more months of breathing room for finding a job. The time away from K was hard, but having "bought" myself more time up here to spend with K while I continue my search was so very worth it.
The squeak in my head has changed a bit. It's not "I hope I don't jinx this" kind of thing so much anymore. It's more "is this authentic to both of us." I continue to try and be straightforward and honest; being my plain, dorky self. He seems to be doing the same. I really need to find the off button to my worrying and just enjoy the moment.
I'm giddy with anticipation at seeing him tonight...he can't get here fast enough. I actually feel a bit nervous for some reason. Where's the TARDIS when you need it?
Friday, July 15, 2011
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow
Back from a slightly extended business trip, exhaustion is setting in. But I feel like this blog captures memories for me; the way K made me feel this past week and a half was ~ cherished and valued ~ memories most definitely worth capturing.
This trip involved a lot of very busy days, long hours, basically working from waking up until dropping into bed. I averaged 5.5 hours of sleep for the last 10 days.
Who was there to offer laughs and support during this time? K. Who did I miss, perhaps even too much? K. Who, just over a month and a week into this relationship, expressed worry about how hard I was working and offered a night of pampering so I could recover? K Who tolerated when I stressed out about "us" because I was so exhausted and missed him? K.
He made a point of almost daily sending me something to make me smile, whether it be a text, picture or email. The nature of the work I was doing didn't leave much time for me to talk or respond...yet he kept it up without having to be asked. It really helped my ability to deal with a stressful last few days. Even though we've been apart, he kept us connected.
That kind of thing never happened with the ex...and I worked myself into exhaustion, at times, all for marital community. Flying home tonight, I realized how nice it was to have support from someone who had no moral obligation to lend it. Even if my relationship with K is only for the short-term, he's taught me that I deserve someone who recognizes the hard effort.
When I first left my marriage, I found daily affirmations of why it was the right choice. K has, in many instances, affirmed this is a good path for me right now. He is nearly the opposite of the ex in nearly every important category; but most importantly - he patiently deals with my oddities, worries, and concerns. He may be seven years younger, but he is often far wiser than I.
Just before leaving on the trip, I worried that the time apart could be the end of this relationship because it was so new. As I sit here, typing, I laugh at myself for worrying. Actually, I'm really a bit angry at myself for not giving K more credit. I hate this about me, but I almost feel like I've been conditioned to expect the least from the men in my life. K puts effort into "us"...although it really feels effortless for him - it's just how he is.
K has been out of town himself and I finally get to see him tomorrow. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.
This trip involved a lot of very busy days, long hours, basically working from waking up until dropping into bed. I averaged 5.5 hours of sleep for the last 10 days.
Who was there to offer laughs and support during this time? K. Who did I miss, perhaps even too much? K. Who, just over a month and a week into this relationship, expressed worry about how hard I was working and offered a night of pampering so I could recover? K Who tolerated when I stressed out about "us" because I was so exhausted and missed him? K.
He made a point of almost daily sending me something to make me smile, whether it be a text, picture or email. The nature of the work I was doing didn't leave much time for me to talk or respond...yet he kept it up without having to be asked. It really helped my ability to deal with a stressful last few days. Even though we've been apart, he kept us connected.
That kind of thing never happened with the ex...and I worked myself into exhaustion, at times, all for marital community. Flying home tonight, I realized how nice it was to have support from someone who had no moral obligation to lend it. Even if my relationship with K is only for the short-term, he's taught me that I deserve someone who recognizes the hard effort.
When I first left my marriage, I found daily affirmations of why it was the right choice. K has, in many instances, affirmed this is a good path for me right now. He is nearly the opposite of the ex in nearly every important category; but most importantly - he patiently deals with my oddities, worries, and concerns. He may be seven years younger, but he is often far wiser than I.
Just before leaving on the trip, I worried that the time apart could be the end of this relationship because it was so new. As I sit here, typing, I laugh at myself for worrying. Actually, I'm really a bit angry at myself for not giving K more credit. I hate this about me, but I almost feel like I've been conditioned to expect the least from the men in my life. K puts effort into "us"...although it really feels effortless for him - it's just how he is.
K has been out of town himself and I finally get to see him tomorrow. Tomorrow can't come soon enough.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
The Falling
Let's just be frank here because surely we deserve it (but don't call me Frank or Shirley):
I'm really falling for K and it scares me a bit.
We spent basically, the last five nights together. We spent entire days together this weekend except for when he had to go to work, which was good because I actually had some work to do myself. I still haven't thought "I'm bored." I've thought "this is so damn comfortable" or "my sides hurt from laughing so much" or "falling asleep in his arms makes me feel secure."
There was a little bump this weekend in terms of a mis-communication of something explicit. I'll keep to my policy of being vague on certain aspects that should be detailed only with K. But even on this bump, we talked through what happened, without frustration, with what felt like honesty from both of us. I am taking a leap of faith and trusting in what he says. His actions support his words in a way that's hard to describe.
Earlier I was worrying if I'm falling too fast and what does that say about me as a person. Then I recognized everything he says and does around me shows he's falling in a similar way. It made me realize that I don't have to feel weird about how I'm feeling. It's okay to go along, being authentic, enjoying the moment and laughing way too much. He's, so far, standing right next to me in the process.
But the scared child in my heart says: Please, please don't let him be shining me on. I can't take another heartbreak right now. When will the child's fear be silenced?
I'm really falling for K and it scares me a bit.
We spent basically, the last five nights together. We spent entire days together this weekend except for when he had to go to work, which was good because I actually had some work to do myself. I still haven't thought "I'm bored." I've thought "this is so damn comfortable" or "my sides hurt from laughing so much" or "falling asleep in his arms makes me feel secure."
There was a little bump this weekend in terms of a mis-communication of something explicit. I'll keep to my policy of being vague on certain aspects that should be detailed only with K. But even on this bump, we talked through what happened, without frustration, with what felt like honesty from both of us. I am taking a leap of faith and trusting in what he says. His actions support his words in a way that's hard to describe.
Earlier I was worrying if I'm falling too fast and what does that say about me as a person. Then I recognized everything he says and does around me shows he's falling in a similar way. It made me realize that I don't have to feel weird about how I'm feeling. It's okay to go along, being authentic, enjoying the moment and laughing way too much. He's, so far, standing right next to me in the process.
But the scared child in my heart says: Please, please don't let him be shining me on. I can't take another heartbreak right now. When will the child's fear be silenced?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Honesty is the best policy
K actually struggled with his reaction to me going to the driving range with Guy 2 - B. He said he expected better of himself and that I should have guy friends.
Coining a phrase a friend used, I explained to K that we can't help how we feel; we can only be honest about it and either come to understand why we feel that way, or discuss it with the other person and see if they can't help the understanding. This is, in fact, what we ultimately did. Although I still don't understand the root cause of his concern, it seems like he did and says its something he wants to work on.
When I mentioned Guy 2 - B also had a couple of professional contacts that I was interested in following up on, K seemed to become much more comfortable with the whole proposition.
And for the record, Guy 2 - B mostly respected the boundary of "being friends" but at some point, I met a couple of his guy friends and that got back to Guy 2 - B's ex-wife and she's already flung out the "your girlfriend" thing at Guy 2 - B. That disturbed me a bit because it seemed like Guy 2 - B might not be respecting the boundary when I'm not around. Ugh. Trying to make just friends is almost as hard as finding a great guy.
K's willingness to talk things through...even if he was still a bit guarded on the why he felt that way...tends to indicate K is a great guy. It's still early, but I'm really glad I met him.
Coining a phrase a friend used, I explained to K that we can't help how we feel; we can only be honest about it and either come to understand why we feel that way, or discuss it with the other person and see if they can't help the understanding. This is, in fact, what we ultimately did. Although I still don't understand the root cause of his concern, it seems like he did and says its something he wants to work on.
When I mentioned Guy 2 - B also had a couple of professional contacts that I was interested in following up on, K seemed to become much more comfortable with the whole proposition.
And for the record, Guy 2 - B mostly respected the boundary of "being friends" but at some point, I met a couple of his guy friends and that got back to Guy 2 - B's ex-wife and she's already flung out the "your girlfriend" thing at Guy 2 - B. That disturbed me a bit because it seemed like Guy 2 - B might not be respecting the boundary when I'm not around. Ugh. Trying to make just friends is almost as hard as finding a great guy.
K's willingness to talk things through...even if he was still a bit guarded on the why he felt that way...tends to indicate K is a great guy. It's still early, but I'm really glad I met him.
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