Smiles Abound

Best day ever was had yesterday with K.  He made us blueberry muffins in the morning, then we did touristy things for much of the day.  At one point we stopped at a library and were looking at the architecture.  Walking by the magazine racks, I saw one I wanted to just stop and breeze through.  Really, I've been trying to act just how I would with a friend or if on my own.  Without a protest, he grabbed a magazine and we stood silently side by side looking at them.  It was again a little thing, such a small thing really, but my random weirdness seems comfortable to him.

Last night was the best.  I feel like I laughed non-stop for an entire day.

This past Sunday night, when we talked after the text/email "was it weird or not weird" thing, he mentioned that he wasn't dating anyone else off of the online website and wasn't really checking it.  The site tells you when a member was last on and he was last on a week ago.  So the ever, all consuming "check the facts" in me can see that he hasn't gone on.  I only subscribed for one month and my subscription expires today.  Maybe I should just let it go for now.

I haven't felt the desire to go out on any other first "meetings".  For me, I just keep coming back to hating the juggling part.  I just really enjoy K's company even if all this is is a fun time for now.  So I think my subscription might just be let to expire, and I'll see where things go with K.  And things are worth pursuing at least in theory and discussion.

And did I mention the dinner he made us Thursday night?  I've had an appetite problem for about 4 months now...but when he cooked for me, it was mysteriously gone.  :o)

I love my hair...

As I mentioned earlier, I really like my hair.  Maybe that's egotistical, but it is what it is.

Last night, K and I met up and spent a few hours talking and laughing together.  We closed the place down around 10pm and walked out to our cars.

When he leaned in to kiss me good night, he wove his fingers through my hair and before I realized it, he had bunched a bit at the roots in his fist and bent my neck back firmly but not roughly in just the way I had been craving for too long.  Nibbling on my neck, he seemed to be pleased that I didn't react negatively to the hair clinch.  Or rather he seemed very pleased.

I reacted so far away from negative to that one simple act.

There's been hints of our preferences...or is predilections the better word?  But that one act was more overt than I expected.  It made me wish I was the kind of woman that would swoon because the feeling that came over me made my knees shake, even if it were only a mental shake.

Could it really be possible that he's more akin than I first thought to the future-him I've wondered about?

I think last night triggered the need for more exacting conversations.  That terrifies me but it is better to clear the air on a few issues now...instead of becoming attached and finding out we aren't able to accept things about one another.  But the signs are very positive that he'd be accepting.

Projection

In pondering projections, I have to re-evaluate past analysis.  In April, there was a need for me to figure out why I was projecting an expectation upon someone.  Back then I recognized that I do project and sometimes forget to lay things out plainly, creating a situation where expectations are unfulfilled...unspoken expectations, though.

I know I have to continue working on the unspoken part.

But I'm also reconsidering if a certain level of expectations, spoken or otherwise, is a good thing.  And here's why:  because expectations are a form of setting the bar for one's self.  One just must set the bar realistically.  In the recent past, it was not really too high a bar to have the expectation that consideration of me would have been included in someone's analysis.  That expectation was merely "have a thought for me" and nothing more intrusive.

What's triggering this thought today?  A little thing really.  Last night K and I met up again.  We said good bye, quite delightfully, in the parking lot and I'll be writing a separate post momentarily on some thoughts and questions.  When I got home, I realized I had lost an earring and I remembered the moment I felt it fall out.  K had, again, sent a text making sure I was home and in reply I mentioned the lost earring.

This morning, I woke around 5am (and weirdly, I found out later, so did K).  One of the first thoughts in my head was that it would be so completely wonderful if he went by the place and found the earring.  Then, in the midst of sadness coming from one part of my life, K sent me a picture text showing me that he had gone by the place, in the rain, on the way to work, and found my earring.

It's a completely tiny thing...and yet it's a completely big thing that he would do something like that for plain, ol' me.  I felt like I had the unspoken expectation that a man should want to do something like that and he met it.

Yes, I get that we are so new in this relationship that there's really a question of if he's just putting on the spit and polish for me.  But it's still what I deserve: someone who will go out of his way to think about me and do things for me.  And his simple act took effort...and not just thought.

Two Weeks

For the second week in a row, my roommates had to back out of going to trivia night with me at the local brew pub.  For the second week in a row, Guy 8 -K pinged me around the time they were cancelling to see about doing something together.

(As an aside, I am changing the reference to him to be just K...that whole guy numbering thing seems demeaning when I know more of him than just a number).

Random factoid:  K does not actually smoke...I misunderstood him when we were talking last week.  He used to smoke.  To the best of my ability, I have confirmed his non-smoking status.  Why this seems worthy of mentioning, I'm not sure...maybe because it was one of the few basic flaws I thought existed?  Is it bad or realistic to look for the flaws?

Flaws.  I'm flawed and afraid to share those flaws.  And I'm faced, again, with someone telling me that they feel they can share more with me than they ever share with anyone else.  Such a statement triggers another flaw: my questioning nature.

My questioning nature isn't completely a flaw...but it can make me look at an issue and break it down to the point of where I don't believe an alternative truth even if that truth is the real thing.  I need to learn to put the brakes on questioning things.

Questions.  K mentioned last night that he could tell on our first date I had a inquisitive mind and he likes that. He still constrains himself when answering some questions, but considering we've only known each other 14 days, I think I'm okay with him having boundaries.  I know I have boundaries that I can't yet cross with him.  I did warn him, however, that I will continue to ask questions and he said that was exactly what he expected.

Expectations.  I've decided there's no getting around the fact that I simply do have expectations.  It flows from my do unto others belief system.  I expect to be cherished enough that when the person in my life makes critical decisions, at least a fleeting thought of the impact of those decisions on me is had.  Further, I expect honesty; and if you say you expect honesty, you damn well better give it - completely.

Honesty.  Isn't it just easier to say something, even the hard things, with a bit of kindness but still honest and truthful?  The fall out from being less than honest seems to take more of a toll on you than if you just deal with the matter in a straightforward way to begin with.

I met Guy 5 - D at the driving range today because I need help improving my golf game. (As an aside, yes, K knew I was going).  Guy 5 - D really does seem like a great guy but I had to have the "we're just friends" talk again with him.  I mentioned this to K and K's response was that guys don't really understand the "just be friends" concept.  I don't get that.  But if Guy 5 - D doesn't understand the just friends part then I loose out on a potentially decent friend...or do I?  It all flows back to boundaries again...if he can't honor my honestly set out boundaries he really wouldn't be that decent of a friend.

So there's no point to this post...just felt like rambling a bit.  Someday I'll sort myself out.

:o)

So....as I was finishing the last post....literally as I was writing my worries about what happened tonight, Guy 8-K was typing me an email...mostly talking fun things, but also saying why he didn't respond to my last text tonight.  I got the email about 10 minutes after I posted my long winded over analytically driven dribble...

When I saw his email, I impulsively called him...and then we spent the next hour and a half just talking about random things.

I realized while talking to him that I had accidentally sent my email to his office email address, so he hasn't received it (he's previously said for security reasons his company doesn't like remote access, so people in his division don't have remote access to emails on the weekend).  I did, however, warn him about the email.  He offered to delete it without reading it, but I said that it was meant to be a straightforward, lay out my thoughts kind of thing and that it was okay if he read it.

But yeah...I'm a dork.  I know it.  He knows it.  And I think we're both okay about it. :o)  Now I must sleep for it is late...

>:(

The title of this blog is "Navigating Life."  Part of why I chose that is I just don't know if I'm navigating properly.  I know there is no road book, no map, to any one person's life path; events will happen that occasionally require a course correction.

Last night was the best date I've had in I don't know how long...even better than the dates I recall from my ex.  The ex was very inexperienced in relationships and so never really put what (in hindsight) seems like much thought into a date...and even as I tried to lead by example with him, he never "got it."  Perhaps it just wasn't in him to put thought into much...but I digress.

Guy 8-K put thought into things.  It was a wonderful night and ended very well.  It was better than any date I remember when I was in college.  Yes, I recognize I could be forgetful of the past here; but it was just a really nice date.  And it was as simple as going to a sporting event...but it was the little touches that counted...like him bringing some Madagascar sourced dark chocolate because I once mentioned (a) my preference for dark chocolate; and (b) that I appreciated a local chocolate maker sourcing from Madagascar because of the child enslavement in Ivory Coast and Ghana where approximately (I'm pretty sure) 70% of cocoa comes from.  That was just one example of the little touches he brought to the date (note to any unattached gentlemen anyone reading this:  this example is one where someone listened to a random factoid and followed up on a different date to that information = awesomeness worth bottling).

Today Guy 8-K and I sent texts back and forth at random times during the day.  Tonight he sent a text to see if I wanted to get together tonight.  I got it while I was out on a first date with Guy 12-M (nice guy; mostly in the potential friend category).  When Guy 12-M went to the bathroom, I replied to Guy 8-K's text.  My scowl above is a bit for me because at this point, I'm not entirely sure why I answered one guy while on a date with another...but I will say Guy 12-M was already sliding into the potential friend category and if I were just out for coffee with a friend, I would have responded to Guy 8-K.

My response text, however, was honest.  I said I was out on a so-so first date with a guy that was not really my type.  Guy 8-K's reply didn't say he was bothered by the fact that I was out...but something felt like he could be...a little thing really like how he put laughter at the beginning and end of the text...almost coming "through" as him forcing the laugh (he usually does one or the other; I don't recall any other text where "laughter" was at the start and finish).  So a bit of the above scowl is for him, too.

But it was a 160 character text and how much can one really know about someone's meaning, especially someone new in your life?

When I navigate life with intent, I often try to put myself in the other person's shoes.  I want to consider their perspective because my way is not the only way and I just like being considerate in general.  This is a troublesome process in that I never can really know how someone might react because I haven't lived his or her life...I'm putting myself in their shoes but looking through my own eyes.  I worry that my honesty could have come across as game playing...and if it had been a reverse situation, I would have been a bit bummed.

I absolutely do not want to be in a position where full truth isn't out on the table, though.  Been there, done that...and I absolutely expect the guy to spell out the full truth for himself because the half truths hurt the most as I've been recently reminded of all too well.

Maybe it's the wrong thing, but I sent Guy 8-K an email asking if he was, in fact, bothered and I explained how I was interpreting things.  We hadn't talked about where either of us are at in the online thing.  We've only known each other 12 days.  It is way too soon for either of us to not be following through on other things with the online dating...yet his reply text with what I perceive as forced laughter asked how many other first dates I had planned and whether he should be updating his online profile.  And then crickets chirped in reply to my answering those questions (i.e. he didn't say anything back).

I do feel comfortable with Guy 8-K on many levels (and, ironically, "comfortable" was the exact word he used, multiple times last night, to explain how he was feeling about spending time with me...ironic in light of my earlier post, no?).  I've been worrying about jinxing things by talking about him or our dates.  I really hope I haven't jinxed things...

I've never been a "player" so it's been hard to see myself juggling dates and other things.  There is a level of me that would rather not continue to pursue the online thing even if I would say I am not exclusively dating anyone.  It seems like even at the 4th or 5th date stage it would actually be easier for me, in general, to let that dating course take us where it may instead of continue dating other people simultaneously.  But I don't say these things out loud because it would freak some people out; they would interpret it as me moving to exclusivity when it's basically that my brain gets overfull with all the dates with people and I hate feeling like I'm engaging in sluttish behavior by dating a lot of people all at once.

But back to the dilemma.  So I explained to Guy 8-K my point of view as to what happened tonight and questioned him about his perspective.  It's my hope that he responds...and then self doubt sets in that the mere  sending of the email is the wrong "move" and that alone will upset the apple cart.

As I explained in the email, though, if I had a misunderstanding or even a potential misunderstanding with a friend or family member, I'd send an email (if I couldn't call) to try and clear the air.  I suppose his reaction will tell me whether he is worth pursuing.  A bad reaction to just who I am is not what I want, in large part because of that comfort level that's already starting...and I've enjoyed my time with him enough that if there is a bad reaction, I'll be a bit sad about it.  I'll know more in the morning I suppose.

Not laughing so much...

In a few minutes, I'll be getting ready for date 4 with Guy 8-K.  Yes, this is the guy I'm really attracted to...very much so.  But yesterday I discovered a stye in my eye.  I have never had a stye before.  I don't have any pain or swelling, but I do have a touch of redness and it just looks like a bump on the inside track of my eye lid (lower lid).  I'd like to be laughing about it but I'm oddly embarrassed and it's making me nervous.

Then I also think about where we both have basically said we'd like the night to end.  It's true, I think about letting it play out that way.  I so need a good roll in the hay in general.  But the problem is that I like him beyond just the physical attraction part and I worry that a quick roll in the hay would be the extent of what he wants if we go there too soon.  I also worry about just needing to sit down and talk before taking that plunge in case that's not all that he is interested in.

I've done an inventory of my life recently.  In thinking about how to navigate tonight, I went ahead and thought about my first reactions to past lovers.  There is only one time I recall being this physically attracted to a guy before the mind part.  Usually, it's the mind that captivates me first and then the physical comes along; there's always an initial hint or a medium physical reaction first...but really it's that plus the mind thing. With him, it's backwards from what I've recently experienced and what I generally experienced before I was married. So it confuses me.

And what if he is just a player? Maybe I'll just ask him straight out tonight.