"The past is gone but something might be found to take it's place
Hey jealousy" ~ Gin Blossoms
So we may have seen a shadow of a real negative. Tomorrow I'm planning to hit the driving range with one of the guys I met before K. I'm going with Guy 2 - B, who knows I just want to be friends. K honestly admitted he was uncomfortable with me going because I met Guy 2 - B through the online dating. K gets huge bonus points for being honest.
While K said he trusts me, something still "pinged" off so I asked. When I mentioned that it sometimes seems like he might have been cheated on in the past, he skirted the issue but admitted he has trust issues. He also said he trusts me because I'm honest about what I'm doing. At least he wasn't that freaky jealous guy that would ask me to cancel. If he had asked, he would have been written off as trying to be isolationist - a definite no-no in my book.
Frankly, in my weird relationship life, I don't remember ever having to deal with the man being jealous. The "love of my life" college boyfriend was a cheater, although at the time I said not technically but today I say he was. We cycled through being "together" and "apart" while also living as roommates (separate bedrooms, house sharing arrangement). In that pattern, he would often "hook up" with someone soon after we decided we were "apart"...but he never had the courage to make a final break from me (ultimately I did that) and he never had the grace to hook up outside of the house. So, yes, I've had to deal with my own trust and jealousy issues before. The ex-husband never acted jealous and almost, in hindsight, seems to have been indifferent. The guy I lived with during graduate school wasn't jealous; and the few guys I dated casually never got to the level of being invested enough to be jealous. I scanned my memory and don't find any clues on how to navigate a guy who might be jealous.
Then I smack my forehead with the palm of my hand ('cause there's no one here to smack my ass for me). I just have to continue being honest and forthright in telling K what I'm doing and with whom. It's his issue to work through. I can help him through it by being my honest self and if the issue doesn't resolve itself, then I have thinking to do.
Is it wrong that I'm crossing my fingers and toes that it's an issue he can work through? Am I making a mountain out of a mole hill? Upon editing this, it does almost seem as if I am.
*rolling my eyes at myself for over thinking AGAIN*
"Cos all I really want's to be with you
And feel like I matter too" ~ Gin Blossoms
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Mr. Frenulum's comment to "Over thinking is...stupid" has me thinking (but not overly so, I swear; or maybe just a tad overly so).
So I'm sitting here thinking of a list of "negatives" that I could give you about K.
And I'm thinking...
Yep, still thinking....
Okay, here's something: he still remains guarded about past hurts. His last great hurt, I've learned, is that he felt deceived by his girlfriend, although he did not use the word deceived. He was "completely into the relationship" and "she acted like she was" but then it turns out "she really wasn't that into it." Those are about verbatim quotes and about the extent of what he's shared.
I wish I knew more but I hesitate to ask too many direct questions, fearing that it's too soon to delve deep. Last night, though, I made a passing comment about my childhood and he said sometime he'll ask me more about it (he's already recognized it wasn't the best). He's interested in knowing but respecting some sort of unspoken boundary we both seem to have. How and when do we break down that barrier? Last night my response was that he might have to share some of the harder parts of his life when I share mine. But Mr. Frenulum's comment makes me remember advice to lead by example. Perhaps he guards himself because there are parts of me I still guard.
Yet, last night when he was talking about some photos on the mantel, he recognized how much his parents did for him growing up, grew teary eyed and wasn't guarded about showing his deeper feelings on that subject. And he could acknowledge that he had a really privileged childhood because he has great parents.
Another possible negative, which I can't ferret out if it is a negative: I feel like he overspends on some of our dates. On the one hand, it feels really nice that someone would like to do that for me; it feels nice to be past my insistence of going dutch; it feels nice to do some of the better things in life I wouldn't be otherwise able to do right now.
Here's an example: he took me to the symphony on Saturday. These were mid-way back from the stage on the stage level, center tickets. I didn't check the website to find out if they were the most expensive ones in the house, but they were pricey (the cost was on each ticket) and very excellent seats. Prior to the symphony, we stopped for drinks and appetizers at a little more spendy of a place than I would go to if I had purchased expensive symphony tickets. He brought high-end chocolates along to enjoy at intermission. Afterward, we went out for more appetizers and drinks at a sort of spendy steak house. So in the totality of things, he dropped a decent amount of cash.
I felt like a princess that night...and I don't remember ever being made to feel that it was okay to be the princess. While getting ready, I had actually grown worried about how I looked and if I would meet his expectations. The second thing he said (after saying Hi) was that I looked really sexy. And he went on that night about how nice I looked. He truly made me feel like a princess.
I also felt inadequate because I couldn't contribute. I thought about picking up the tab at the steak house, but he ordered what he wanted (with my consent) while I was in the ladies' room and ordered a bit more than I was comfortable covering when I thought about getting the tab.
He is, however, at a comfortable place in life. Assuming he was honest on his online dating profile, I have a guess as to how much he makes (although that was not a criteria in picking him to go out with). His parents put him through college, so he has no student loan debt. He did buy his house during the heated real estate market, but I have no idea how much he spent or if he overspent on it. I know he owns one of his cars free and clear and I think he outright owns the other one.
But he's worked two jobs for 13 years he says because he likes to keep busy. I haven't felt he's ever told me anything false, so there's no reason to doubt this statement. Still, I worry. And he wants to do more things next month that could be spendy. If he's actually working two jobs to be able to afford this kind of lifestyle, that makes me feel bad because that kind of lifestyle is nice...but not a mandatory thing on my list (well, occasionally mandatory, but not every other weekend like things have been so far).
I think I'm unable to determine if this is a negative because it's actually my feelings that are causing the question. Since I was 16, I've always provided for myself...and for the marriage, I was more the "provider" than not, so add another decade of also providing for another. It's odd to be in the reverse role.
When I mentioned something to him about being unable to take him for a wonderful night on the town, he was kind and responsive and basically said he just enjoys my company. Hence, I don't think this is a negative on his part.
Truly I am trying to find negative things to say about him. Recently, with someone else in my life, I overlooked tell tale negative signs and I don't want to repeat that with K. While married, I used to also "spin" negatives about my ex and I refuse to do that ever again.
For the past two weekends, we've spent a decent amount of time together. Both weekends when we weren't together he was at his second job, so but for about those 16 hours, we spent nearly the entire weekends together. Never once during those weekends did he do anything that bothered me (i.e. he didn't hit any pet peeves). I never once said to myself "I'm bored." Yesterday afternoon was a nice afternoon delight then cooking and baking together, eating, cleaning up, talking a bit and just lounging on the couch. At one point, he knew I had some thinking to do about my career issues and he made me sit and do the thinking while he busied himself elsewhere. It was all just very comfortable and pleasant like the rest of our time together.
I need to figure out when pretenses start wearing off. Then I wonder: I'm being just plain, old, dorky, quirky, goofy me through this whole thing because I don't want to present any pretenses. What if he's applying the same thought and he is just as he's been for the last month. Time will tell, I know. And I'll just keep saying he hasn't turned into a frog yet...and I hope I'm not a frog either.
So I'm sitting here thinking of a list of "negatives" that I could give you about K.
And I'm thinking...
Yep, still thinking....
Okay, here's something: he still remains guarded about past hurts. His last great hurt, I've learned, is that he felt deceived by his girlfriend, although he did not use the word deceived. He was "completely into the relationship" and "she acted like she was" but then it turns out "she really wasn't that into it." Those are about verbatim quotes and about the extent of what he's shared.
I wish I knew more but I hesitate to ask too many direct questions, fearing that it's too soon to delve deep. Last night, though, I made a passing comment about my childhood and he said sometime he'll ask me more about it (he's already recognized it wasn't the best). He's interested in knowing but respecting some sort of unspoken boundary we both seem to have. How and when do we break down that barrier? Last night my response was that he might have to share some of the harder parts of his life when I share mine. But Mr. Frenulum's comment makes me remember advice to lead by example. Perhaps he guards himself because there are parts of me I still guard.
Yet, last night when he was talking about some photos on the mantel, he recognized how much his parents did for him growing up, grew teary eyed and wasn't guarded about showing his deeper feelings on that subject. And he could acknowledge that he had a really privileged childhood because he has great parents.
Another possible negative, which I can't ferret out if it is a negative: I feel like he overspends on some of our dates. On the one hand, it feels really nice that someone would like to do that for me; it feels nice to be past my insistence of going dutch; it feels nice to do some of the better things in life I wouldn't be otherwise able to do right now.
Here's an example: he took me to the symphony on Saturday. These were mid-way back from the stage on the stage level, center tickets. I didn't check the website to find out if they were the most expensive ones in the house, but they were pricey (the cost was on each ticket) and very excellent seats. Prior to the symphony, we stopped for drinks and appetizers at a little more spendy of a place than I would go to if I had purchased expensive symphony tickets. He brought high-end chocolates along to enjoy at intermission. Afterward, we went out for more appetizers and drinks at a sort of spendy steak house. So in the totality of things, he dropped a decent amount of cash.
I felt like a princess that night...and I don't remember ever being made to feel that it was okay to be the princess. While getting ready, I had actually grown worried about how I looked and if I would meet his expectations. The second thing he said (after saying Hi) was that I looked really sexy. And he went on that night about how nice I looked. He truly made me feel like a princess.
I also felt inadequate because I couldn't contribute. I thought about picking up the tab at the steak house, but he ordered what he wanted (with my consent) while I was in the ladies' room and ordered a bit more than I was comfortable covering when I thought about getting the tab.
He is, however, at a comfortable place in life. Assuming he was honest on his online dating profile, I have a guess as to how much he makes (although that was not a criteria in picking him to go out with). His parents put him through college, so he has no student loan debt. He did buy his house during the heated real estate market, but I have no idea how much he spent or if he overspent on it. I know he owns one of his cars free and clear and I think he outright owns the other one.
But he's worked two jobs for 13 years he says because he likes to keep busy. I haven't felt he's ever told me anything false, so there's no reason to doubt this statement. Still, I worry. And he wants to do more things next month that could be spendy. If he's actually working two jobs to be able to afford this kind of lifestyle, that makes me feel bad because that kind of lifestyle is nice...but not a mandatory thing on my list (well, occasionally mandatory, but not every other weekend like things have been so far).
I think I'm unable to determine if this is a negative because it's actually my feelings that are causing the question. Since I was 16, I've always provided for myself...and for the marriage, I was more the "provider" than not, so add another decade of also providing for another. It's odd to be in the reverse role.
When I mentioned something to him about being unable to take him for a wonderful night on the town, he was kind and responsive and basically said he just enjoys my company. Hence, I don't think this is a negative on his part.
Truly I am trying to find negative things to say about him. Recently, with someone else in my life, I overlooked tell tale negative signs and I don't want to repeat that with K. While married, I used to also "spin" negatives about my ex and I refuse to do that ever again.
For the past two weekends, we've spent a decent amount of time together. Both weekends when we weren't together he was at his second job, so but for about those 16 hours, we spent nearly the entire weekends together. Never once during those weekends did he do anything that bothered me (i.e. he didn't hit any pet peeves). I never once said to myself "I'm bored." Yesterday afternoon was a nice afternoon delight then cooking and baking together, eating, cleaning up, talking a bit and just lounging on the couch. At one point, he knew I had some thinking to do about my career issues and he made me sit and do the thinking while he busied himself elsewhere. It was all just very comfortable and pleasant like the rest of our time together.
I need to figure out when pretenses start wearing off. Then I wonder: I'm being just plain, old, dorky, quirky, goofy me through this whole thing because I don't want to present any pretenses. What if he's applying the same thought and he is just as he's been for the last month. Time will tell, I know. And I'll just keep saying he hasn't turned into a frog yet...and I hope I'm not a frog either.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Food for thought
Did I mention K can cook. This man really can cook. It's not a skill I claim to possess. I can cook well but I don't enjoy the act and things don't always come out the way I want, so I tell people I can't. For some reason, though, I was honest with him and told him I knew a bit about cooking. He does, however, still claim I sandbagged on my cooking skills/knowledge comments because what I do know seems to impress him.
He was, for example, extremely tickled that I understood to take care with cleaning well-seasoned pans.
The first time he cooked he made tri-tip, prawns (huge ones), orzo salad and bruschetta. Earlier this week we had appetizers at his place: he whipped up crab stuffed mushroom, prosciutto and cheese plate. Thursday was halibut cheeks, couscous, asparagus and broccolini sautéd with lemon. Last night was ox tail ragu. This man loves his food and knows how to prepare it. Every first bite is a bit of heaven.
On top of that, he's picked some really good restaurants. I hate going to chain restaurants like Outback or Applebee's. I'd rather spend a similar amount of money going to some place local. Perhaps I'm a food snob: I feel like the quality is better when you aren't at a chain restaurant. Things taste more vibrant Luckily, the metropolitan area where we live has a lot of options and he also prefers local places over chains.
When he cooks, he insists that I take home leftovers, allegedly because he doesn't like leftovers. Sometimes, though, I think it's because he wants to make sure I'm eating enough.
All this food is a good and bad thing. It's a good thing because my appetite seems to have returned. Part of me thinks it's just the joy of spending time with him. Part of it is that he really does cook very well. It's a healthy thing that I'm eating more: I really struggled for about the last three months with consuming enough calories because things just didn't taste all that good to me. Honestly, there were days where it was pretty hard to make myself consume even the basic 1200 calories. It was bad enough that my family still asks "did you eat today" when they see me.
The bad thing is I worked really hard to loose a bunch of weight and I fear putting it back on. I'm still keeping up, mostly, with my running. But I haven't biked for two weeks and had to return the loaner bike, so I likely won't bike for another two weeks. I do eat fairly light when I'm not with him, but still.
And, in case you were wondering, I don't think my lack of appetite was purposefully aimed at the weight loss. I lost nearly all the weight just by exercise and making small changes to my eating habits. But I didn't ever consciously say "Hey, I'm not eating today because I'll loose weight." In fact, my lack of appetite made my weight loss plateau and I recognize the body chemistry thing that you do need incoming fuel. While I've been struggling with the appetite thing I've only lost 2-3 pounds, so, no, it was not meant to be a weight loss tool (and it shouldn't be - healthy weight loss is through exercise and diet changes).
As I've said elsewhere, I'm a curvy girl. I like most of my current curves, but still want to loose a few more pounds. At the same time, it made me feel okay about being a curvy girl last night when K said he really likes that I have an appetite and enjoy his food. Little did he know I was just storing calories because I knew we'd be burning them off shortly thereafter. Oh, and I needed the fuel for this morning, too. Does this all count as exercise?
He was, for example, extremely tickled that I understood to take care with cleaning well-seasoned pans.
The first time he cooked he made tri-tip, prawns (huge ones), orzo salad and bruschetta. Earlier this week we had appetizers at his place: he whipped up crab stuffed mushroom, prosciutto and cheese plate. Thursday was halibut cheeks, couscous, asparagus and broccolini sautéd with lemon. Last night was ox tail ragu. This man loves his food and knows how to prepare it. Every first bite is a bit of heaven.
On top of that, he's picked some really good restaurants. I hate going to chain restaurants like Outback or Applebee's. I'd rather spend a similar amount of money going to some place local. Perhaps I'm a food snob: I feel like the quality is better when you aren't at a chain restaurant. Things taste more vibrant Luckily, the metropolitan area where we live has a lot of options and he also prefers local places over chains.
When he cooks, he insists that I take home leftovers, allegedly because he doesn't like leftovers. Sometimes, though, I think it's because he wants to make sure I'm eating enough.
The bad thing is I worked really hard to loose a bunch of weight and I fear putting it back on. I'm still keeping up, mostly, with my running. But I haven't biked for two weeks and had to return the loaner bike, so I likely won't bike for another two weeks. I do eat fairly light when I'm not with him, but still.
And, in case you were wondering, I don't think my lack of appetite was purposefully aimed at the weight loss. I lost nearly all the weight just by exercise and making small changes to my eating habits. But I didn't ever consciously say "Hey, I'm not eating today because I'll loose weight." In fact, my lack of appetite made my weight loss plateau and I recognize the body chemistry thing that you do need incoming fuel. While I've been struggling with the appetite thing I've only lost 2-3 pounds, so, no, it was not meant to be a weight loss tool (and it shouldn't be - healthy weight loss is through exercise and diet changes).
As I've said elsewhere, I'm a curvy girl. I like most of my current curves, but still want to loose a few more pounds. At the same time, it made me feel okay about being a curvy girl last night when K said he really likes that I have an appetite and enjoy his food. Little did he know I was just storing calories because I knew we'd be burning them off shortly thereafter. Oh, and I needed the fuel for this morning, too. Does this all count as exercise?
Over thinking is...stupid
Earlier I wrote that I usually fall for a mind connection coupled with a sort of physical connection and with K I felt like I was falling for a strong physical connection but finding the mind thing was growing. I'm re-evaluating that analysis and here's why: for some reason, I felt compelled today to save the emails we exchanged on the online dating service's email system. I re-read much of what we talked about for more than a week before we ever met. And we talked quite a bit via our email exchanges (our typical emails to each other were as long, or longer than, this post).
It wasn't a deep philosophical discussion...but looking back on it, I realize that I was already mentally engaged with this man on a certain level. It was, for the most part, more of the life is too short, let's figure out what is fun and do it kind of thing. Fun was missing from much of my life for the past decade, so, in fact, it is the kind of level I wanted to be most engaged on because when I first met K I was initially looking more for just fun times than a serious relationship. Sure, we did discuss in those early emails a few deeper things. But today, recognizing that he had already engaged a certain part of my mind made me realize I over think things.
Then in my over thinking about whether I over think things (hey-I never said I was uncomplicated), I also realized that- WHAM- I really did feel an instantaneous physical attraction to him unlike I've felt for nearly every past lover and that likely confused me on the issue. I walked into the wine/tapas bar where we met for our first date, looked over at him sitting at a table and was instantly thinking "Oh My God" before I ever even heard his voice. As I sat there that night, the giddy girl in me thought "He's too cute for me." He says he was having similar thoughts that first night but was also really enjoying my stories and laughter.
He makes me feel beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and happy. Having him physically next to me makes these feelings stronger. He makes me feel safe when I'm with him. When I talked to him recently about some career issues, it became clear that he was worrying that I was pulling away from a relationship with him. Yet, he had the capacity to tell me he would support whatever decision I made regardless of the personal cost to him. He was relieved when I said the career sorting was still going to be in the city where we live (he was worried I was leaving town during this discussion).
Tonight we're going to the local symphony. How cool is that? That was one of the weird things. In January, I started trying to learn the words to O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I've been obsessed with this piece for six months, although I previously enjoyed it in general terms. One night, K and I were talking and I put the radio to the same station to which he was listening to minimize the noise confusion. Normally, I ignore commercials, but that night, I just heard a snippet about the local symphony doing Carmina Burana and I made the comment that it was a piece that really interested me. He immediately responded that just that day he purchased tickets and was thinking about asking me. I don't know why...these coincidences are just making me stop and go hmmmm again.
Yet...I am still over thinking the whole using the word "love" to describe the things going on between us. It might be his normal mode of communication. It makes me pause, though, when he says "I love this company" referring to me as "this company." Or when I had to leave early this morning and he said he never wants to let me go. Technically, it's too early for those kinds of statements. But, truth be told (since I aim to be honest), it makes me happy that someone cares enough for me to say them. The romantic in me likes to hear these things regardless of the date on the calendar. I do, very much, like the possibility that he means the subtext that sometimes blares in these statements. The rational woman says I should be guarding my heart. How can I do both? I guess that's the next topic for over thinking. Or just maybe I can learn to just go with the flow and not think, think, think so much.
It wasn't a deep philosophical discussion...but looking back on it, I realize that I was already mentally engaged with this man on a certain level. It was, for the most part, more of the life is too short, let's figure out what is fun and do it kind of thing. Fun was missing from much of my life for the past decade, so, in fact, it is the kind of level I wanted to be most engaged on because when I first met K I was initially looking more for just fun times than a serious relationship. Sure, we did discuss in those early emails a few deeper things. But today, recognizing that he had already engaged a certain part of my mind made me realize I over think things.
Then in my over thinking about whether I over think things (hey-I never said I was uncomplicated), I also realized that- WHAM- I really did feel an instantaneous physical attraction to him unlike I've felt for nearly every past lover and that likely confused me on the issue. I walked into the wine/tapas bar where we met for our first date, looked over at him sitting at a table and was instantly thinking "Oh My God" before I ever even heard his voice. As I sat there that night, the giddy girl in me thought "He's too cute for me." He says he was having similar thoughts that first night but was also really enjoying my stories and laughter.
He makes me feel beautiful, and smart, and sexy, and happy. Having him physically next to me makes these feelings stronger. He makes me feel safe when I'm with him. When I talked to him recently about some career issues, it became clear that he was worrying that I was pulling away from a relationship with him. Yet, he had the capacity to tell me he would support whatever decision I made regardless of the personal cost to him. He was relieved when I said the career sorting was still going to be in the city where we live (he was worried I was leaving town during this discussion).
Tonight we're going to the local symphony. How cool is that? That was one of the weird things. In January, I started trying to learn the words to O Fortuna from Carmina Burana. I've been obsessed with this piece for six months, although I previously enjoyed it in general terms. One night, K and I were talking and I put the radio to the same station to which he was listening to minimize the noise confusion. Normally, I ignore commercials, but that night, I just heard a snippet about the local symphony doing Carmina Burana and I made the comment that it was a piece that really interested me. He immediately responded that just that day he purchased tickets and was thinking about asking me. I don't know why...these coincidences are just making me stop and go hmmmm again.
Yet...I am still over thinking the whole using the word "love" to describe the things going on between us. It might be his normal mode of communication. It makes me pause, though, when he says "I love this company" referring to me as "this company." Or when I had to leave early this morning and he said he never wants to let me go. Technically, it's too early for those kinds of statements. But, truth be told (since I aim to be honest), it makes me happy that someone cares enough for me to say them. The romantic in me likes to hear these things regardless of the date on the calendar. I do, very much, like the possibility that he means the subtext that sometimes blares in these statements. The rational woman says I should be guarding my heart. How can I do both? I guess that's the next topic for over thinking. Or just maybe I can learn to just go with the flow and not think, think, think so much.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Chic Says Freak...Freak Out
So yesterday I basically had a mini-freak out. I'm dating a guy seven years younger than I am, who can out cook me (that's not really saying much). He's the complete opposite in many ways from my ex. If I wanted to sit down and write a list of the differences, K's list would end up sort of looking like my definition of a "future-him," although I am still figuring out if certain aspects of my nature are truly compatible with him.
And it's been a short time, but I really just like him as a person and really just like hanging out with him in a general way...in a general, non-sexual way, although I like the sex, too (very much so).
So to me that indicates "feelings" are starting to develop. When I recognized this yesterday, which I don't know why as I sort of already recognized it before, but yesterday it freaked me out a bit. I started delving into a whole internal debate looking at every action, word and nuance. For some reason, I started just being generally doubtful of my interpretation of things. I grew convinced that I was the only one starting to develop "feelings."
I took advice I've actually doled out and talked to K. It was hard to dive into but I think it was ultimately easier than trying to weather the freak-out storm on my own. He affirmed why he's a quality guy worth investing some time in. He talked it through...and acknowledged he is also starting to develop feelings. Let's just say I'm happy I'm getting brave enough to just lay things on the table. This is such a refreshing change.
Now the goofball in me has to say....I hope he's not just a figment of my imagination.
And it's been a short time, but I really just like him as a person and really just like hanging out with him in a general way...in a general, non-sexual way, although I like the sex, too (very much so).
So to me that indicates "feelings" are starting to develop. When I recognized this yesterday, which I don't know why as I sort of already recognized it before, but yesterday it freaked me out a bit. I started delving into a whole internal debate looking at every action, word and nuance. For some reason, I started just being generally doubtful of my interpretation of things. I grew convinced that I was the only one starting to develop "feelings."
I took advice I've actually doled out and talked to K. It was hard to dive into but I think it was ultimately easier than trying to weather the freak-out storm on my own. He affirmed why he's a quality guy worth investing some time in. He talked it through...and acknowledged he is also starting to develop feelings. Let's just say I'm happy I'm getting brave enough to just lay things on the table. This is such a refreshing change.
Now the goofball in me has to say....I hope he's not just a figment of my imagination.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Is this weird...
This morning, I woke around 2:40. I refused to look at the clock because my theory is knowing the time just makes me wake up more. Lying there, I wondered if K would be weirded out if I sent him an email in the middle of the night. Honestly, after sleeping with his arms around me for the previous three nights, I missed his body next to mine and thought about telling him so. But questioning my navigating skills, I decided not to say anything. After pondering for about 30 minutes, I looked at the clock and it was 3:16 a.m. I guess that means I was awake closer to 2:45.
Here's the weird part: when I woke up this morning around 5:15 a.m., this time I got on the computer and opened email...and K had sent me an email at 3:05 a.m. While I was laying in bed, thinking of emailing him, he was in fact doing the same thing, only being brave enough to take action on the thought.
He missed having me next to him, too.
We were awake, in the middle of the night, at the same time, thinking about each other in the same moments.
Is that weird?
Here's the weird part: when I woke up this morning around 5:15 a.m., this time I got on the computer and opened email...and K had sent me an email at 3:05 a.m. While I was laying in bed, thinking of emailing him, he was in fact doing the same thing, only being brave enough to take action on the thought.
He missed having me next to him, too.
We were awake, in the middle of the night, at the same time, thinking about each other in the same moments.
Is that weird?
Sunday, June 19, 2011
What the???
So in my divorce recovery, I took inventory of my life. Through that process, I started reading things on the internet because I decided I deserved, among other things, a substantially improved sex life. Sex is not "everything" but when you think about all the side benefits, it's important. It is, as I knew but was reminded by a friend, a form of the most intimate communication. It is good exercise, if you are actively participating, that is. I think it makes my skin glow...or that just might be the glow of happiness.
In my inventory process and subsequent research, I began corresponding with Mr. Frenulum.* Those exchanges helped me more precisely define my "future-him" and what traits I want for a more fulfilling sexual side. I promise I haven't whipped out the Cosmo list of things I want. But the early discussions and activities with K include some of the things I very much want. He also seems open to considering other things that may not have been previously on his own radar but in which I have an interest.
I, however, am not giving you specific details because that is something between K and I. I believe it suffices to say that I am happy to be on this path at this moment in time.
But the ever diligent inquisitor also never leaves my head. I've known this man 19 days and, yes, I have already had sex with him if you were unclear. Is that too fast? In the moments with him, it feels just comfortable. Away from him, I question the appropriateness.
Then I realize: it's my life and I'll do what the ??? I want with it because I am not hurting anyone by enjoying this right now. The inquisitor says: "Ah, but you might hurt yourself in the future." That statement has held me back for far too long and I think I would like to turn it off for a while.
Yesterday, I got disappointing news: I did not get a job that I was really interested in and which I had a fairly positive interview a couple of weeks ago. I was sad for about an hour. Then I realized that wallowing didn't change anything. I still wouldn't have the job when I was done wallowing, whether I pouted for an hour or days. Wallowing only made the sadness linger longer. I think questioning the future hurt that could, potentially, never arrive is like wallowing. In fact, questioning a possible future hurt could be worse than wallowing because it will cause my mind to not be in the present.
And let's just say, oh my god, keeping my mind in the present these last couple of days has been so very delightful and enjoyable and spectacular and multi-orgasmic.
As an aside, general awesomeness from K:
(1) When he heard about the job thing, he was supportive and encouraging without a pity party attitude. It was more of "okay, this happened, sorry it did, but let's figure out how to move forward." I need more of that kind of support in my life. I get it from other sources, a bit, but it was just nice to see it in K, too.
(2) He took me out to cheer me up in general but by then I was already happy, in a small (large??) part, because I was spending the evening with him. Still, we went to three different places for different bites to eat. I've always wanted to do that "skip around town" thing...turns out, it's his preferred mode of eating out so he can try more things.
(3) When we stopped at a local park to admire the beautiful city views, we sat on a park bench. He saw a couple taking pictures of each other and, without a word, left my side to go offer to take one of them together...I had the same impulse and was probably two minutes behind him mentally on acting on it. I have never dated a guy that just does the right thing that often (this is, of course, but one example) without me first leading the way. I actually felt a little bad because I hadn't acted on my own impulse. He really objected to me verbalizing my admiration because he doesn't feel people should get credit for simply doing the right thing. Absolutely amazing. Still stunned because he not only did it, but also seems to get that you don't do it for the praise or reward...the doing is important enough on its own.
(4) His family's happiness is important to him even though his family isn't a controlling factor in his life per se. This one is hard to explain, but he's going on vacation with his parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephews and K really does not seem the least bit bothered that they are doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do - he mentioned that they are doing the vacation for the boys. That's amazing to me for some reason. Yet, I don't think he lets his family dictate his life. He is from a different ethnic background than I am, but when he tells me stories from his past, I've never gotten any hint that his family would object to the kinds of friends he keeps.
There's more...but these are just a few of the happy highlights that came to mind as I ramble on here.
And there are two little areas of concern:
(1) He seems concerned about being my "rebound" guy, even though my divorce was two years ago. I can't explain to him any better why he isn't. So we joked today that by Date 15, the label would no longer apply. With some creative analysis on the things we've done over the last 19 days, I actually got the Date tally to 15 as of this morning's, ah-hem, Date. Yet, I wonder if we shouldn't have a serious discussion about it. He had what he's implied was a hard break up about a year ago...maybe I'm his rebound girl. I think I must ponder this. He's reluctant to share that story because he doesn't like bringing baggage...yet, he asks me (and I tell him) things about my ex and I've explained that it's baggage if you let it hold you back; it's life experience if you've learned from it and moved on. I guess, perhaps, I'm concerned he hasn't moved on, completely, because he's guarding that part of him.
(2) More than once in the last 36 hours (as in enough that it was noticeable) he's said things like "I love when you do X" or "I love this about you." I usually say "I enjoy" or "I really like". It's way too early for there to be things about me that he loves. I really like this guy; enough so that I don't want to spring into anything too quickly. I know men communicate differently than women. But if I were saying "I love these things", I would be telling the other person that I was already falling for him. The fact that he says them is making me a little concerned about rushing in...even as I keep feeling comfortable as he speaks those words. I don't get scared when he says it; it's more an intellectual objection that comes on later. Maybe it's the inquisitor back asking "What the ????" because this is just too fast. Or it's just right for right now.
I'm sticking with the latter.
______________________________________________________________________
* For those of you interested in it, I would encourage you to read Mr. Frenulum's Blog, or his wonderful body of work. While not everything he says is on my particular "must have" list, it is delightful mind candy as well as helpful in determining what is important enough to be on the list.
In my inventory process and subsequent research, I began corresponding with Mr. Frenulum.* Those exchanges helped me more precisely define my "future-him" and what traits I want for a more fulfilling sexual side. I promise I haven't whipped out the Cosmo list of things I want. But the early discussions and activities with K include some of the things I very much want. He also seems open to considering other things that may not have been previously on his own radar but in which I have an interest.
I, however, am not giving you specific details because that is something between K and I. I believe it suffices to say that I am happy to be on this path at this moment in time.
But the ever diligent inquisitor also never leaves my head. I've known this man 19 days and, yes, I have already had sex with him if you were unclear. Is that too fast? In the moments with him, it feels just comfortable. Away from him, I question the appropriateness.
Then I realize: it's my life and I'll do what the ??? I want with it because I am not hurting anyone by enjoying this right now. The inquisitor says: "Ah, but you might hurt yourself in the future." That statement has held me back for far too long and I think I would like to turn it off for a while.
Yesterday, I got disappointing news: I did not get a job that I was really interested in and which I had a fairly positive interview a couple of weeks ago. I was sad for about an hour. Then I realized that wallowing didn't change anything. I still wouldn't have the job when I was done wallowing, whether I pouted for an hour or days. Wallowing only made the sadness linger longer. I think questioning the future hurt that could, potentially, never arrive is like wallowing. In fact, questioning a possible future hurt could be worse than wallowing because it will cause my mind to not be in the present.
And let's just say, oh my god, keeping my mind in the present these last couple of days has been so very delightful and enjoyable and spectacular and multi-orgasmic.
As an aside, general awesomeness from K:
(1) When he heard about the job thing, he was supportive and encouraging without a pity party attitude. It was more of "okay, this happened, sorry it did, but let's figure out how to move forward." I need more of that kind of support in my life. I get it from other sources, a bit, but it was just nice to see it in K, too.
(2) He took me out to cheer me up in general but by then I was already happy, in a small (large??) part, because I was spending the evening with him. Still, we went to three different places for different bites to eat. I've always wanted to do that "skip around town" thing...turns out, it's his preferred mode of eating out so he can try more things.
(3) When we stopped at a local park to admire the beautiful city views, we sat on a park bench. He saw a couple taking pictures of each other and, without a word, left my side to go offer to take one of them together...I had the same impulse and was probably two minutes behind him mentally on acting on it. I have never dated a guy that just does the right thing that often (this is, of course, but one example) without me first leading the way. I actually felt a little bad because I hadn't acted on my own impulse. He really objected to me verbalizing my admiration because he doesn't feel people should get credit for simply doing the right thing. Absolutely amazing. Still stunned because he not only did it, but also seems to get that you don't do it for the praise or reward...the doing is important enough on its own.
(4) His family's happiness is important to him even though his family isn't a controlling factor in his life per se. This one is hard to explain, but he's going on vacation with his parents, sister, brother-in-law and nephews and K really does not seem the least bit bothered that they are doing things he doesn't necessarily want to do - he mentioned that they are doing the vacation for the boys. That's amazing to me for some reason. Yet, I don't think he lets his family dictate his life. He is from a different ethnic background than I am, but when he tells me stories from his past, I've never gotten any hint that his family would object to the kinds of friends he keeps.
There's more...but these are just a few of the happy highlights that came to mind as I ramble on here.
And there are two little areas of concern:
(1) He seems concerned about being my "rebound" guy, even though my divorce was two years ago. I can't explain to him any better why he isn't. So we joked today that by Date 15, the label would no longer apply. With some creative analysis on the things we've done over the last 19 days, I actually got the Date tally to 15 as of this morning's, ah-hem, Date. Yet, I wonder if we shouldn't have a serious discussion about it. He had what he's implied was a hard break up about a year ago...maybe I'm his rebound girl. I think I must ponder this. He's reluctant to share that story because he doesn't like bringing baggage...yet, he asks me (and I tell him) things about my ex and I've explained that it's baggage if you let it hold you back; it's life experience if you've learned from it and moved on. I guess, perhaps, I'm concerned he hasn't moved on, completely, because he's guarding that part of him.
(2) More than once in the last 36 hours (as in enough that it was noticeable) he's said things like "I love when you do X" or "I love this about you." I usually say "I enjoy" or "I really like". It's way too early for there to be things about me that he loves. I really like this guy; enough so that I don't want to spring into anything too quickly. I know men communicate differently than women. But if I were saying "I love these things", I would be telling the other person that I was already falling for him. The fact that he says them is making me a little concerned about rushing in...even as I keep feeling comfortable as he speaks those words. I don't get scared when he says it; it's more an intellectual objection that comes on later. Maybe it's the inquisitor back asking "What the ????" because this is just too fast. Or it's just right for right now.
I'm sticking with the latter.
______________________________________________________________________
* For those of you interested in it, I would encourage you to read Mr. Frenulum's Blog, or his wonderful body of work. While not everything he says is on my particular "must have" list, it is delightful mind candy as well as helpful in determining what is important enough to be on the list.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Smiles Abound
Best day ever was had yesterday with K. He made us blueberry muffins in the morning, then we did touristy things for much of the day. At one point we stopped at a library and were looking at the architecture. Walking by the magazine racks, I saw one I wanted to just stop and breeze through. Really, I've been trying to act just how I would with a friend or if on my own. Without a protest, he grabbed a magazine and we stood silently side by side looking at them. It was again a little thing, such a small thing really, but my random weirdness seems comfortable to him.
Last night was the best. I feel like I laughed non-stop for an entire day.
This past Sunday night, when we talked after the text/email "was it weird or not weird" thing, he mentioned that he wasn't dating anyone else off of the online website and wasn't really checking it. The site tells you when a member was last on and he was last on a week ago. So the ever, all consuming "check the facts" in me can see that he hasn't gone on. I only subscribed for one month and my subscription expires today. Maybe I should just let it go for now.
I haven't felt the desire to go out on any other first "meetings". For me, I just keep coming back to hating the juggling part. I just really enjoy K's company even if all this is is a fun time for now. So I think my subscription might just be let to expire, and I'll see where things go with K. And things are worth pursuing at least in theory and discussion.
And did I mention the dinner he made us Thursday night? I've had an appetite problem for about 4 months now...but when he cooked for me, it was mysteriously gone. :o)
Last night was the best. I feel like I laughed non-stop for an entire day.
This past Sunday night, when we talked after the text/email "was it weird or not weird" thing, he mentioned that he wasn't dating anyone else off of the online website and wasn't really checking it. The site tells you when a member was last on and he was last on a week ago. So the ever, all consuming "check the facts" in me can see that he hasn't gone on. I only subscribed for one month and my subscription expires today. Maybe I should just let it go for now.
I haven't felt the desire to go out on any other first "meetings". For me, I just keep coming back to hating the juggling part. I just really enjoy K's company even if all this is is a fun time for now. So I think my subscription might just be let to expire, and I'll see where things go with K. And things are worth pursuing at least in theory and discussion.
And did I mention the dinner he made us Thursday night? I've had an appetite problem for about 4 months now...but when he cooked for me, it was mysteriously gone. :o)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I love my hair...
As I mentioned earlier, I really like my hair. Maybe that's egotistical, but it is what it is.
Last night, K and I met up and spent a few hours talking and laughing together. We closed the place down around 10pm and walked out to our cars.
When he leaned in to kiss me good night, he wove his fingers through my hair and before I realized it, he had bunched a bit at the roots in his fist and bent my neck back firmly but not roughly in just the way I had been craving for too long. Nibbling on my neck, he seemed to be pleased that I didn't react negatively to the hair clinch. Or rather he seemed very pleased.
I reacted so far away from negative to that one simple act.
There's been hints of our preferences...or is predilections the better word? But that one act was more overt than I expected. It made me wish I was the kind of woman that would swoon because the feeling that came over me made my knees shake, even if it were only a mental shake.
Could it really be possible that he's more akin than I first thought to the future-him I've wondered about?
I think last night triggered the need for more exacting conversations. That terrifies me but it is better to clear the air on a few issues now...instead of becoming attached and finding out we aren't able to accept things about one another. But the signs are very positive that he'd be accepting.
Last night, K and I met up and spent a few hours talking and laughing together. We closed the place down around 10pm and walked out to our cars.
When he leaned in to kiss me good night, he wove his fingers through my hair and before I realized it, he had bunched a bit at the roots in his fist and bent my neck back firmly but not roughly in just the way I had been craving for too long. Nibbling on my neck, he seemed to be pleased that I didn't react negatively to the hair clinch. Or rather he seemed very pleased.
I reacted so far away from negative to that one simple act.
There's been hints of our preferences...or is predilections the better word? But that one act was more overt than I expected. It made me wish I was the kind of woman that would swoon because the feeling that came over me made my knees shake, even if it were only a mental shake.
Could it really be possible that he's more akin than I first thought to the future-him I've wondered about?
I think last night triggered the need for more exacting conversations. That terrifies me but it is better to clear the air on a few issues now...instead of becoming attached and finding out we aren't able to accept things about one another. But the signs are very positive that he'd be accepting.
Projection
In pondering projections, I have to re-evaluate past analysis. In April, there was a need for me to figure out why I was projecting an expectation upon someone. Back then I recognized that I do project and sometimes forget to lay things out plainly, creating a situation where expectations are unfulfilled...unspoken expectations, though.
I know I have to continue working on the unspoken part.
But I'm also reconsidering if a certain level of expectations, spoken or otherwise, is a good thing. And here's why: because expectations are a form of setting the bar for one's self. One just must set the bar realistically. In the recent past, it was not really too high a bar to have the expectation that consideration of me would have been included in someone's analysis. That expectation was merely "have a thought for me" and nothing more intrusive.
What's triggering this thought today? A little thing really. Last night K and I met up again. We said good bye, quite delightfully, in the parking lot and I'll be writing a separate post momentarily on some thoughts and questions. When I got home, I realized I had lost an earring and I remembered the moment I felt it fall out. K had, again, sent a text making sure I was home and in reply I mentioned the lost earring.
This morning, I woke around 5am (and weirdly, I found out later, so did K). One of the first thoughts in my head was that it would be so completely wonderful if he went by the place and found the earring. Then, in the midst of sadness coming from one part of my life, K sent me a picture text showing me that he had gone by the place, in the rain, on the way to work, and found my earring.
It's a completely tiny thing...and yet it's a completely big thing that he would do something like that for plain, ol' me. I felt like I had the unspoken expectation that a man should want to do something like that and he met it.
Yes, I get that we are so new in this relationship that there's really a question of if he's just putting on the spit and polish for me. But it's still what I deserve: someone who will go out of his way to think about me and do things for me. And his simple act took effort...and not just thought.
I know I have to continue working on the unspoken part.
But I'm also reconsidering if a certain level of expectations, spoken or otherwise, is a good thing. And here's why: because expectations are a form of setting the bar for one's self. One just must set the bar realistically. In the recent past, it was not really too high a bar to have the expectation that consideration of me would have been included in someone's analysis. That expectation was merely "have a thought for me" and nothing more intrusive.
What's triggering this thought today? A little thing really. Last night K and I met up again. We said good bye, quite delightfully, in the parking lot and I'll be writing a separate post momentarily on some thoughts and questions. When I got home, I realized I had lost an earring and I remembered the moment I felt it fall out. K had, again, sent a text making sure I was home and in reply I mentioned the lost earring.
This morning, I woke around 5am (and weirdly, I found out later, so did K). One of the first thoughts in my head was that it would be so completely wonderful if he went by the place and found the earring. Then, in the midst of sadness coming from one part of my life, K sent me a picture text showing me that he had gone by the place, in the rain, on the way to work, and found my earring.
It's a completely tiny thing...and yet it's a completely big thing that he would do something like that for plain, ol' me. I felt like I had the unspoken expectation that a man should want to do something like that and he met it.
Yes, I get that we are so new in this relationship that there's really a question of if he's just putting on the spit and polish for me. But it's still what I deserve: someone who will go out of his way to think about me and do things for me. And his simple act took effort...and not just thought.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Two Weeks
For the second week in a row, my roommates had to back out of going to trivia night with me at the local brew pub. For the second week in a row, Guy 8 -K pinged me around the time they were cancelling to see about doing something together.
(As an aside, I am changing the reference to him to be just K...that whole guy numbering thing seems demeaning when I know more of him than just a number).
Random factoid: K does not actually smoke...I misunderstood him when we were talking last week. He used to smoke. To the best of my ability, I have confirmed his non-smoking status. Why this seems worthy of mentioning, I'm not sure...maybe because it was one of the few basic flaws I thought existed? Is it bad or realistic to look for the flaws?
Flaws. I'm flawed and afraid to share those flaws. And I'm faced, again, with someone telling me that they feel they can share more with me than they ever share with anyone else. Such a statement triggers another flaw: my questioning nature.
My questioning nature isn't completely a flaw...but it can make me look at an issue and break it down to the point of where I don't believe an alternative truth even if that truth is the real thing. I need to learn to put the brakes on questioning things.
Questions. K mentioned last night that he could tell on our first date I had a inquisitive mind and he likes that. He still constrains himself when answering some questions, but considering we've only known each other 14 days, I think I'm okay with him having boundaries. I know I have boundaries that I can't yet cross with him. I did warn him, however, that I will continue to ask questions and he said that was exactly what he expected.
Expectations. I've decided there's no getting around the fact that I simply do have expectations. It flows from my do unto others belief system. I expect to be cherished enough that when the person in my life makes critical decisions, at least a fleeting thought of the impact of those decisions on me is had. Further, I expect honesty; and if you say you expect honesty, you damn well better give it - completely.
Honesty. Isn't it just easier to say something, even the hard things, with a bit of kindness but still honest and truthful? The fall out from being less than honest seems to take more of a toll on you than if you just deal with the matter in a straightforward way to begin with.
I met Guy 5 - D at the driving range today because I need help improving my golf game. (As an aside, yes, K knew I was going). Guy 5 - D really does seem like a great guy but I had to have the "we're just friends" talk again with him. I mentioned this to K and K's response was that guys don't really understand the "just be friends" concept. I don't get that. But if Guy 5 - D doesn't understand the just friends part then I loose out on a potentially decent friend...or do I? It all flows back to boundaries again...if he can't honor my honestly set out boundaries he really wouldn't be that decent of a friend.
So there's no point to this post...just felt like rambling a bit. Someday I'll sort myself out.
(As an aside, I am changing the reference to him to be just K...that whole guy numbering thing seems demeaning when I know more of him than just a number).
Random factoid: K does not actually smoke...I misunderstood him when we were talking last week. He used to smoke. To the best of my ability, I have confirmed his non-smoking status. Why this seems worthy of mentioning, I'm not sure...maybe because it was one of the few basic flaws I thought existed? Is it bad or realistic to look for the flaws?
Flaws. I'm flawed and afraid to share those flaws. And I'm faced, again, with someone telling me that they feel they can share more with me than they ever share with anyone else. Such a statement triggers another flaw: my questioning nature.
My questioning nature isn't completely a flaw...but it can make me look at an issue and break it down to the point of where I don't believe an alternative truth even if that truth is the real thing. I need to learn to put the brakes on questioning things.
Questions. K mentioned last night that he could tell on our first date I had a inquisitive mind and he likes that. He still constrains himself when answering some questions, but considering we've only known each other 14 days, I think I'm okay with him having boundaries. I know I have boundaries that I can't yet cross with him. I did warn him, however, that I will continue to ask questions and he said that was exactly what he expected.
Expectations. I've decided there's no getting around the fact that I simply do have expectations. It flows from my do unto others belief system. I expect to be cherished enough that when the person in my life makes critical decisions, at least a fleeting thought of the impact of those decisions on me is had. Further, I expect honesty; and if you say you expect honesty, you damn well better give it - completely.
Honesty. Isn't it just easier to say something, even the hard things, with a bit of kindness but still honest and truthful? The fall out from being less than honest seems to take more of a toll on you than if you just deal with the matter in a straightforward way to begin with.
I met Guy 5 - D at the driving range today because I need help improving my golf game. (As an aside, yes, K knew I was going). Guy 5 - D really does seem like a great guy but I had to have the "we're just friends" talk again with him. I mentioned this to K and K's response was that guys don't really understand the "just be friends" concept. I don't get that. But if Guy 5 - D doesn't understand the just friends part then I loose out on a potentially decent friend...or do I? It all flows back to boundaries again...if he can't honor my honestly set out boundaries he really wouldn't be that decent of a friend.
So there's no point to this post...just felt like rambling a bit. Someday I'll sort myself out.
Monday, June 13, 2011
:o)
So....as I was finishing the last post....literally as I was writing my worries about what happened tonight, Guy 8-K was typing me an email...mostly talking fun things, but also saying why he didn't respond to my last text tonight. I got the email about 10 minutes after I posted my long winded over analytically driven dribble...
When I saw his email, I impulsively called him...and then we spent the next hour and a half just talking about random things.
I realized while talking to him that I had accidentally sent my email to his office email address, so he hasn't received it (he's previously said for security reasons his company doesn't like remote access, so people in his division don't have remote access to emails on the weekend). I did, however, warn him about the email. He offered to delete it without reading it, but I said that it was meant to be a straightforward, lay out my thoughts kind of thing and that it was okay if he read it.
But yeah...I'm a dork. I know it. He knows it. And I think we're both okay about it. :o) Now I must sleep for it is late...
When I saw his email, I impulsively called him...and then we spent the next hour and a half just talking about random things.
I realized while talking to him that I had accidentally sent my email to his office email address, so he hasn't received it (he's previously said for security reasons his company doesn't like remote access, so people in his division don't have remote access to emails on the weekend). I did, however, warn him about the email. He offered to delete it without reading it, but I said that it was meant to be a straightforward, lay out my thoughts kind of thing and that it was okay if he read it.
But yeah...I'm a dork. I know it. He knows it. And I think we're both okay about it. :o) Now I must sleep for it is late...
>:(
The title of this blog is "Navigating Life." Part of why I chose that is I just don't know if I'm navigating properly. I know there is no road book, no map, to any one person's life path; events will happen that occasionally require a course correction.
Last night was the best date I've had in I don't know how long...even better than the dates I recall from my ex. The ex was very inexperienced in relationships and so never really put what (in hindsight) seems like much thought into a date...and even as I tried to lead by example with him, he never "got it." Perhaps it just wasn't in him to put thought into much...but I digress.
Guy 8-K put thought into things. It was a wonderful night and ended very well. It was better than any date I remember when I was in college. Yes, I recognize I could be forgetful of the past here; but it was just a really nice date. And it was as simple as going to a sporting event...but it was the little touches that counted...like him bringing some Madagascar sourced dark chocolate because I once mentioned (a) my preference for dark chocolate; and (b) that I appreciated a local chocolate maker sourcing from Madagascar because of the child enslavement in Ivory Coast and Ghana where approximately (I'm pretty sure) 70% of cocoa comes from. That was just one example of the little touches he brought to the date (note toany unattached gentlemen anyone reading this: this example is one where someone listened to a random factoid and followed up on a different date to that information = awesomeness worth bottling).
Today Guy 8-K and I sent texts back and forth at random times during the day. Tonight he sent a text to see if I wanted to get together tonight. I got it while I was out on a first date with Guy 12-M (nice guy; mostly in the potential friend category). When Guy 12-M went to the bathroom, I replied to Guy 8-K's text. My scowl above is a bit for me because at this point, I'm not entirely sure why I answered one guy while on a date with another...but I will say Guy 12-M was already sliding into the potential friend category and if I were just out for coffee with a friend, I would have responded to Guy 8-K.
My response text, however, was honest. I said I was out on a so-so first date with a guy that was not really my type. Guy 8-K's reply didn't say he was bothered by the fact that I was out...but something felt like he could be...a little thing really like how he put laughter at the beginning and end of the text...almost coming "through" as him forcing the laugh (he usually does one or the other; I don't recall any other text where "laughter" was at the start and finish). So a bit of the above scowl is for him, too.
But it was a 160 character text and how much can one really know about someone's meaning, especially someone new in your life?
When I navigate life with intent, I often try to put myself in the other person's shoes. I want to consider their perspective because my way is not the only way and I just like being considerate in general. This is a troublesome process in that I never can really know how someone might react because I haven't lived his or her life...I'm putting myself in their shoes but looking through my own eyes. I worry that my honesty could have come across as game playing...and if it had been a reverse situation, I would have been a bit bummed.
I absolutely do not want to be in a position where full truth isn't out on the table, though. Been there, done that...and I absolutely expect the guy to spell out the full truth for himself because the half truths hurt the most as I've been recently reminded of all too well.
Maybe it's the wrong thing, but I sent Guy 8-K an email asking if he was, in fact, bothered and I explained how I was interpreting things. We hadn't talked about where either of us are at in the online thing. We've only known each other 12 days. It is way too soon for either of us to not be following through on other things with the online dating...yet his reply text with what I perceive as forced laughter asked how many other first dates I had planned and whether he should be updating his online profile. And then crickets chirped in reply to my answering those questions (i.e. he didn't say anything back).
I do feel comfortable with Guy 8-K on many levels (and, ironically, "comfortable" was the exact word he used, multiple times last night, to explain how he was feeling about spending time with me...ironic in light of my earlier post, no?). I've been worrying about jinxing things by talking about him or our dates. I really hope I haven't jinxed things...
I've never been a "player" so it's been hard to see myself juggling dates and other things. There is a level of me that would rather not continue to pursue the online thing even if I would say I am not exclusively dating anyone. It seems like even at the 4th or 5th date stage it would actually be easier for me, in general, to let that dating course take us where it may instead of continue dating other people simultaneously. But I don't say these things out loud because it would freak some people out; they would interpret it as me moving to exclusivity when it's basically that my brain gets overfull with all the dates with people and I hate feeling like I'm engaging in sluttish behavior by dating a lot of people all at once.
But back to the dilemma. So I explained to Guy 8-K my point of view as to what happened tonight and questioned him about his perspective. It's my hope that he responds...and then self doubt sets in that the mere sending of the email is the wrong "move" and that alone will upset the apple cart.
As I explained in the email, though, if I had a misunderstanding or even a potential misunderstanding with a friend or family member, I'd send an email (if I couldn't call) to try and clear the air. I suppose his reaction will tell me whether he is worth pursuing. A bad reaction to just who I am is not what I want, in large part because of that comfort level that's already starting...and I've enjoyed my time with him enough that if there is a bad reaction, I'll be a bit sad about it. I'll know more in the morning I suppose.
Last night was the best date I've had in I don't know how long...even better than the dates I recall from my ex. The ex was very inexperienced in relationships and so never really put what (in hindsight) seems like much thought into a date...and even as I tried to lead by example with him, he never "got it." Perhaps it just wasn't in him to put thought into much...but I digress.
Guy 8-K put thought into things. It was a wonderful night and ended very well. It was better than any date I remember when I was in college. Yes, I recognize I could be forgetful of the past here; but it was just a really nice date. And it was as simple as going to a sporting event...but it was the little touches that counted...like him bringing some Madagascar sourced dark chocolate because I once mentioned (a) my preference for dark chocolate; and (b) that I appreciated a local chocolate maker sourcing from Madagascar because of the child enslavement in Ivory Coast and Ghana where approximately (I'm pretty sure) 70% of cocoa comes from. That was just one example of the little touches he brought to the date (note to
Today Guy 8-K and I sent texts back and forth at random times during the day. Tonight he sent a text to see if I wanted to get together tonight. I got it while I was out on a first date with Guy 12-M (nice guy; mostly in the potential friend category). When Guy 12-M went to the bathroom, I replied to Guy 8-K's text. My scowl above is a bit for me because at this point, I'm not entirely sure why I answered one guy while on a date with another...but I will say Guy 12-M was already sliding into the potential friend category and if I were just out for coffee with a friend, I would have responded to Guy 8-K.
My response text, however, was honest. I said I was out on a so-so first date with a guy that was not really my type. Guy 8-K's reply didn't say he was bothered by the fact that I was out...but something felt like he could be...a little thing really like how he put laughter at the beginning and end of the text...almost coming "through" as him forcing the laugh (he usually does one or the other; I don't recall any other text where "laughter" was at the start and finish). So a bit of the above scowl is for him, too.
But it was a 160 character text and how much can one really know about someone's meaning, especially someone new in your life?
When I navigate life with intent, I often try to put myself in the other person's shoes. I want to consider their perspective because my way is not the only way and I just like being considerate in general. This is a troublesome process in that I never can really know how someone might react because I haven't lived his or her life...I'm putting myself in their shoes but looking through my own eyes. I worry that my honesty could have come across as game playing...and if it had been a reverse situation, I would have been a bit bummed.
I absolutely do not want to be in a position where full truth isn't out on the table, though. Been there, done that...and I absolutely expect the guy to spell out the full truth for himself because the half truths hurt the most as I've been recently reminded of all too well.
Maybe it's the wrong thing, but I sent Guy 8-K an email asking if he was, in fact, bothered and I explained how I was interpreting things. We hadn't talked about where either of us are at in the online thing. We've only known each other 12 days. It is way too soon for either of us to not be following through on other things with the online dating...yet his reply text with what I perceive as forced laughter asked how many other first dates I had planned and whether he should be updating his online profile. And then crickets chirped in reply to my answering those questions (i.e. he didn't say anything back).
I do feel comfortable with Guy 8-K on many levels (and, ironically, "comfortable" was the exact word he used, multiple times last night, to explain how he was feeling about spending time with me...ironic in light of my earlier post, no?). I've been worrying about jinxing things by talking about him or our dates. I really hope I haven't jinxed things...
I've never been a "player" so it's been hard to see myself juggling dates and other things. There is a level of me that would rather not continue to pursue the online thing even if I would say I am not exclusively dating anyone. It seems like even at the 4th or 5th date stage it would actually be easier for me, in general, to let that dating course take us where it may instead of continue dating other people simultaneously. But I don't say these things out loud because it would freak some people out; they would interpret it as me moving to exclusivity when it's basically that my brain gets overfull with all the dates with people and I hate feeling like I'm engaging in sluttish behavior by dating a lot of people all at once.
But back to the dilemma. So I explained to Guy 8-K my point of view as to what happened tonight and questioned him about his perspective. It's my hope that he responds...and then self doubt sets in that the mere sending of the email is the wrong "move" and that alone will upset the apple cart.
As I explained in the email, though, if I had a misunderstanding or even a potential misunderstanding with a friend or family member, I'd send an email (if I couldn't call) to try and clear the air. I suppose his reaction will tell me whether he is worth pursuing. A bad reaction to just who I am is not what I want, in large part because of that comfort level that's already starting...and I've enjoyed my time with him enough that if there is a bad reaction, I'll be a bit sad about it. I'll know more in the morning I suppose.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Not laughing so much...
In a few minutes, I'll be getting ready for date 4 with Guy 8-K. Yes, this is the guy I'm really attracted to...very much so. But yesterday I discovered a stye in my eye. I have never had a stye before. I don't have any pain or swelling, but I do have a touch of redness and it just looks like a bump on the inside track of my eye lid (lower lid). I'd like to be laughing about it but I'm oddly embarrassed and it's making me nervous.
Then I also think about where we both have basically said we'd like the night to end. It's true, I think about letting it play out that way. I so need a good roll in the hay in general. But the problem is that I like him beyond just the physical attraction part and I worry that a quick roll in the hay would be the extent of what he wants if we go there too soon. I also worry about just needing to sit down and talk before taking that plunge in case that's not all that he is interested in.
I've done an inventory of my life recently. In thinking about how to navigate tonight, I went ahead and thought about my first reactions to past lovers. There is only one time I recall being this physically attracted to a guy before the mind part. Usually, it's the mind that captivates me first and then the physical comes along; there's always an initial hint or a medium physical reaction first...but really it's that plus the mind thing. With him, it's backwards from what I've recently experienced and what I generally experienced before I was married. So it confuses me.
And what if he is just a player? Maybe I'll just ask him straight out tonight.
Then I also think about where we both have basically said we'd like the night to end. It's true, I think about letting it play out that way. I so need a good roll in the hay in general. But the problem is that I like him beyond just the physical attraction part and I worry that a quick roll in the hay would be the extent of what he wants if we go there too soon. I also worry about just needing to sit down and talk before taking that plunge in case that's not all that he is interested in.
I've done an inventory of my life recently. In thinking about how to navigate tonight, I went ahead and thought about my first reactions to past lovers. There is only one time I recall being this physically attracted to a guy before the mind part. Usually, it's the mind that captivates me first and then the physical comes along; there's always an initial hint or a medium physical reaction first...but really it's that plus the mind thing. With him, it's backwards from what I've recently experienced and what I generally experienced before I was married. So it confuses me.
And what if he is just a player? Maybe I'll just ask him straight out tonight.
Chomping is for horses
Gentlemen, please, think about a touch of etiquette for first dates. I had a first date this morning with Guy 11-K. No date came out of Guy 10-D, so you aren't missing anything if you are keeping track. But Guy11-K...BAD first date.
He's retired military and we went to a museum where retired military and their guests can get in for free. But he didn't offer to hook me up so I purchased a ticket. Absolutely I want to go dutch, but when I've already said I'm looking for a job, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it might be a friendly thing to hook me up with free tickets...especially since he picked the place.
I hate feeling like a snob...especially a word snob because I have problems with homophones and say words wrong sometimes. But he was using large words in the wrong way, but then didn't know what I meant when I said a painting looked like the artist was trying to deconstruct his subject matter. I can't think of a specific example of his improper word usage because I just wanted to brain dump the date, but I remember cringing more than a couple of times.
So we go through the museum and I decide I'm being needlessly critical. He asks about lunch, I say okay, let's grab lunch.
Okay, for those of you that don't know: it is impolite to smack your lips while eating. It is impolite to talk with food in your mouth. It is impolite to do the thing where you make your mouth an O to wipe the corners with a napkin...while there's still a huge bite of food in your mouth. And there was more, but I think you get the picture.
He seemed like a okay person otherwise, so trust me, I really do feel I'm being almost bitchy about the whole thing. But ugh. And again, part of me hates that I think this, and it's not just the improper word thing, but also general lack of depth of conversation or lack of ability to participate in the conversation, but I also feel like there was absolutely no attraction on my part because he wasn't as smart as the last few guys on the list.
I do, however, get points for practicing my straightforwardness. He hinted at a second date asking a couple of times and I moved the conversation away from it...because those were like within the first 10 and then 20 minutes of the date...and since we were walking a museum, we had hardly talked. When he hinted at it again during lunch, I let the conversation go there and told him I wouldn't mind getting together as friends but that's all it'd ever be because there was no zing for me. Yep, told him to his face, but in a nice way (I hope) that the attraction just isn't there...and the zing didn't exist even before the eating problems.
So then I have to ask, is it bad that I didn't pull him aside and say: dude this is how you eat properly. Horses are allowed to chomp their food...that shouldn't be happening on a first date.
He's retired military and we went to a museum where retired military and their guests can get in for free. But he didn't offer to hook me up so I purchased a ticket. Absolutely I want to go dutch, but when I've already said I'm looking for a job, it shouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure out it might be a friendly thing to hook me up with free tickets...especially since he picked the place.
I hate feeling like a snob...especially a word snob because I have problems with homophones and say words wrong sometimes. But he was using large words in the wrong way, but then didn't know what I meant when I said a painting looked like the artist was trying to deconstruct his subject matter. I can't think of a specific example of his improper word usage because I just wanted to brain dump the date, but I remember cringing more than a couple of times.
So we go through the museum and I decide I'm being needlessly critical. He asks about lunch, I say okay, let's grab lunch.
Okay, for those of you that don't know: it is impolite to smack your lips while eating. It is impolite to talk with food in your mouth. It is impolite to do the thing where you make your mouth an O to wipe the corners with a napkin...while there's still a huge bite of food in your mouth. And there was more, but I think you get the picture.
He seemed like a okay person otherwise, so trust me, I really do feel I'm being almost bitchy about the whole thing. But ugh. And again, part of me hates that I think this, and it's not just the improper word thing, but also general lack of depth of conversation or lack of ability to participate in the conversation, but I also feel like there was absolutely no attraction on my part because he wasn't as smart as the last few guys on the list.
I do, however, get points for practicing my straightforwardness. He hinted at a second date asking a couple of times and I moved the conversation away from it...because those were like within the first 10 and then 20 minutes of the date...and since we were walking a museum, we had hardly talked. When he hinted at it again during lunch, I let the conversation go there and told him I wouldn't mind getting together as friends but that's all it'd ever be because there was no zing for me. Yep, told him to his face, but in a nice way (I hope) that the attraction just isn't there...and the zing didn't exist even before the eating problems.
So then I have to ask, is it bad that I didn't pull him aside and say: dude this is how you eat properly. Horses are allowed to chomp their food...that shouldn't be happening on a first date.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Whoa There
Ugh-ish...I'm behind another blog about date 4 with Guy 2-B...let's just summarize it up with he's moved to the potential friend category.
But Guy 8-K. Wow. We're still scheduled for a date Saturday night, but mid-day today, we were sending texts back and forth and I finally suggested drinks tonight after I was done with another event. He immediately jumped at the idea.
We had a couple of glasses of wine, played pool, stopped at a different place for another drink. He escorted me back to my car. And he is a really great (fantastical) kisser. Good listener (so far). Asks wonderful follow up questions. Laughs when I babble off funnily or not so funnily but obviously in a dorky way. Laughs when I think I'm making a joke. I'm intellectually attracted to him...and that grows with each date. But I'm also very physically attracted to him. Honestly, a primal part of me tonight wished that I...well, let's just say the Whoa There is for me and not him. Okay, it's for him too because we both had to pull back.
How do you know when you are moving too quickly? It's been just over 36 hours since I sorted out other confusion in my life. I've only been on three dates with Guy 8-K. We're adults. We're supposed to have serious talks before going there. But tonight, I so just wanted to cut loose and follow my gut instinct...or is that my primal desire?
And as I sit here writing, we're sending texts back and forth again (he started by, again, checking that I made it home safe). Basically, we've both now admitted we've thought a great deal about each other since the first date. Intellectually, I recognize that's way too fast...but in other ways it just feels...comfortable. Wonder why I picked the word comfortable?
Now the worry about saying too much here and causing a jinx has set in.
But Guy 8-K. Wow. We're still scheduled for a date Saturday night, but mid-day today, we were sending texts back and forth and I finally suggested drinks tonight after I was done with another event. He immediately jumped at the idea.
We had a couple of glasses of wine, played pool, stopped at a different place for another drink. He escorted me back to my car. And he is a really great (fantastical) kisser. Good listener (so far). Asks wonderful follow up questions. Laughs when I babble off funnily or not so funnily but obviously in a dorky way. Laughs when I think I'm making a joke. I'm intellectually attracted to him...and that grows with each date. But I'm also very physically attracted to him. Honestly, a primal part of me tonight wished that I...well, let's just say the Whoa There is for me and not him. Okay, it's for him too because we both had to pull back.
How do you know when you are moving too quickly? It's been just over 36 hours since I sorted out other confusion in my life. I've only been on three dates with Guy 8-K. We're adults. We're supposed to have serious talks before going there. But tonight, I so just wanted to cut loose and follow my gut instinct...or is that my primal desire?
And as I sit here writing, we're sending texts back and forth again (he started by, again, checking that I made it home safe). Basically, we've both now admitted we've thought a great deal about each other since the first date. Intellectually, I recognize that's way too fast...but in other ways it just feels...comfortable. Wonder why I picked the word comfortable?
Now the worry about saying too much here and causing a jinx has set in.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Truth in Dating
Well, Guy 8-K is definitely not a frog...at least not yet. We have plans for Saturday night to see a sports event. I learned back in December that I actually like going to live sports events, so I'm looking forward to it.
Last night while we were exchanging texts (he started by sending a text to make sure I got home okay), he actually also sent me an email. I got it this morning at almost an ironical time...but at a time that affirmed my decisions today were correct ones for me. In responding to his email, I had to follow up on a lingering question over driving to the city on Saturday because it will be substantially easier to go in one vehicle.
It's been my plan not to get into a car until the fourth or fifth date. Saturday will be only the third date. So I asked the open ended question on what he would suggest to make me feel safe about riding with him. Part of me did not want to be overly intrusive by demanding information, although as it got closer to Saturday I would have if the question were unresolved. Part of me also wanted to see how comfortable he feels with me because I seem to feel a bit comfortable with him, but still recovering from the earlier aforementioned blundering, I feel cautious about how I'm interpreting things.
Within a couple of hours, from work, he emailed me back via his personal email. He gave me his full name (it's uncommon) and invited me to google him. He offered to give me his address up front (but it can be had by googling; yes, I already took him up on the offer to google him). He also emailed me from his work email so I had that, too. His linkedin profile matches everything he told me about himself. His data on "find classmates" sites matches what he said. The address associated with his name is exactly where he said he lived (it's near the pub we met at last night). He works for a large enough corporation that I can't discern a way he could fake the work email address. I'm a little amazed at his forthrightness. And in addition to all the disclosures he suggested that I simply be the one to drive in.
He also confessed that he liked it when I nibbled on his ear last night...but it was just a little nibble. I swear. Still, the signs are there that we may have more things in common than one can discern on an online dating site.
I just hope saying this much hasn't jinxed anything. But some how, even anonymously, I wanted to thank the universe for his honesty. I'll be thanking him personally, too. Perhaps he picked up on the fact already, this early, that I diligently look for truths...he's smart enough to get the kind of precedent he is setting here. And it's an excellent one.
Last night while we were exchanging texts (he started by sending a text to make sure I got home okay), he actually also sent me an email. I got it this morning at almost an ironical time...but at a time that affirmed my decisions today were correct ones for me. In responding to his email, I had to follow up on a lingering question over driving to the city on Saturday because it will be substantially easier to go in one vehicle.
It's been my plan not to get into a car until the fourth or fifth date. Saturday will be only the third date. So I asked the open ended question on what he would suggest to make me feel safe about riding with him. Part of me did not want to be overly intrusive by demanding information, although as it got closer to Saturday I would have if the question were unresolved. Part of me also wanted to see how comfortable he feels with me because I seem to feel a bit comfortable with him, but still recovering from the earlier aforementioned blundering, I feel cautious about how I'm interpreting things.
Within a couple of hours, from work, he emailed me back via his personal email. He gave me his full name (it's uncommon) and invited me to google him. He offered to give me his address up front (but it can be had by googling; yes, I already took him up on the offer to google him). He also emailed me from his work email so I had that, too. His linkedin profile matches everything he told me about himself. His data on "find classmates" sites matches what he said. The address associated with his name is exactly where he said he lived (it's near the pub we met at last night). He works for a large enough corporation that I can't discern a way he could fake the work email address. I'm a little amazed at his forthrightness. And in addition to all the disclosures he suggested that I simply be the one to drive in.
He also confessed that he liked it when I nibbled on his ear last night...but it was just a little nibble. I swear. Still, the signs are there that we may have more things in common than one can discern on an online dating site.
I just hope saying this much hasn't jinxed anything. But some how, even anonymously, I wanted to thank the universe for his honesty. I'll be thanking him personally, too. Perhaps he picked up on the fact already, this early, that I diligently look for truths...he's smart enough to get the kind of precedent he is setting here. And it's an excellent one.
Opening and closing
Life transitions weirdly sometimes. Today I had the impulse to remove a level of confusion from my life. It hadn't been my plan to do so for a while. But the feeling that the time was right came over me and I spoke the words. I'm sad about it but feel comforted, greatly, by the reaction of others.
And I'm happy about it. I've recognized since late-April that certain things were holding me back. I resisted letting those things go for a variety of reasons...and I still wouldn't have done things differently. But a part of me is happy that the confusion should lessen now.
I'm also happy about it because I will admit last night a bit of feeling...not guilty per se but more that sense of a sort of betrayal even though there's absolutely no one and nothing I'm betraying by having enjoyed that kiss with Guy 8-K.
Still, it feels a little weird to see a possible door opening and knowing a door is closing all within 12 hours of each other. I'm glad the one door did not slam shut...and I think I might enjoy peeking through the opening door for a while here.
And I'm happy about it. I've recognized since late-April that certain things were holding me back. I resisted letting those things go for a variety of reasons...and I still wouldn't have done things differently. But a part of me is happy that the confusion should lessen now.
I'm also happy about it because I will admit last night a bit of feeling...not guilty per se but more that sense of a sort of betrayal even though there's absolutely no one and nothing I'm betraying by having enjoyed that kiss with Guy 8-K.
Still, it feels a little weird to see a possible door opening and knowing a door is closing all within 12 hours of each other. I'm glad the one door did not slam shut...and I think I might enjoy peeking through the opening door for a while here.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
So not a frog
I still owe a more detailed blog for date 3 with Guy 2-B that happened yesterday. Nice guy, relaxing date after a stressful interview; no pressure, talked a lot. But no continual "buzz"...only spurts. We're playing golf tomorrow for date 4...he's sliding into "he could be a really good friend" category.
But I just had date 2 with Guy 8-K. We were supposed to have Date 2 on Saturday night. He emailed last night and said he didn't want to wait to get together until then. I wrote back this morning that I had plans with my roommates but if he wanted to stop by for a beer after those plans (stop by at the location where we would be - still haven't shared my home info) that would work...okay, so I also said I didn't want to wait to see him either.
Then my plans with my roommates fell through, literally, three minutes before he sent a text this morning solidifying a visit for tonight.
So instead of a quick drink at the end of trivia night...we hung out, had a few beers, played trivia at the pub...and had a very nice kiss afterward. He's been making me guess what are the plans for Saturday night...and as I write this, I sent him the correct answer. Just a really fun, relaxing time. Nearly a continual "buzz" except for the first "Oh My God I'm Freaking Nervous" few minutes.
His one flaw that I've found...he smokes but not heavily because each date has been 3 1/2 hours long and he never takes a cig break. Hmmmm. Not sure what I think about that. It's hard to think straight because that kiss was very nice (or did I say that already). And I hope saying this much isn't going to jinx things...my roommates accused me of glowing tonight when I got home. He so did not turn into a frog on date 2 like I worried about.
But I just had date 2 with Guy 8-K. We were supposed to have Date 2 on Saturday night. He emailed last night and said he didn't want to wait to get together until then. I wrote back this morning that I had plans with my roommates but if he wanted to stop by for a beer after those plans (stop by at the location where we would be - still haven't shared my home info) that would work...okay, so I also said I didn't want to wait to see him either.
Then my plans with my roommates fell through, literally, three minutes before he sent a text this morning solidifying a visit for tonight.
So instead of a quick drink at the end of trivia night...we hung out, had a few beers, played trivia at the pub...and had a very nice kiss afterward. He's been making me guess what are the plans for Saturday night...and as I write this, I sent him the correct answer. Just a really fun, relaxing time. Nearly a continual "buzz" except for the first "Oh My God I'm Freaking Nervous" few minutes.
His one flaw that I've found...he smokes but not heavily because each date has been 3 1/2 hours long and he never takes a cig break. Hmmmm. Not sure what I think about that. It's hard to think straight because that kiss was very nice (or did I say that already). And I hope saying this much isn't going to jinx things...my roommates accused me of glowing tonight when I got home. He so did not turn into a frog on date 2 like I worried about.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
UGH! and YAY!
The UGH for the day...Guy 5 - D wants to take me some place pretty expensive to celebrate an accomplishment his company reached. For those of you not keeping track (okay, for just you and me 'cause I'm sure no one else is reading this), Guy 5 - D was the man who I thought would be decent as a friend but that was all there would ever be from my point of view. I've now explained three times that all I want is a friendship. I've now explained twice that it makes me uncomfortable when my friends splurge on expensive things for me when there's no chance of me reciprocating. I know that's not why some people do nice things; but the vibe I get from Guy 5 - D is that he does want to be more than friends. On the one hand, him splurging feels like I'm being wined, dined with the hope of....and that ain't gonna happen. His splurging also feels like I'm taking advantage of him (which is why I decided to draw the hard line). It feels like it might be time to just say good-bye because in a sense he's not respecting my boundaries (there's that word again).
The YAY for the day...Guy 8 - K (last night's great date) asked for a second date. I know, I know...might turn into a frog on the second date. But it just made me smile more than I was already smiling because of other very amazing things that happened for me today, including some very early morning reasons to smile as the dawn broke.
The YAY for the day...Guy 8 - K (last night's great date) asked for a second date. I know, I know...might turn into a frog on the second date. But it just made me smile more than I was already smiling because of other very amazing things that happened for me today, including some very early morning reasons to smile as the dawn broke.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Um, yeah...
So, um, yeah. Guy 8 - K. What should I say about him? Hmmm. GREAT date. Super fantastic in my book. Sat, had a couple of glasses of wine, some tapas, the sunset was beautiful when we left the wine bar, so we walked a bit, no awkward pauses throughout the three and a half hour date...which is kind of long for me...I've been holding these first dates to about an hour or so. Definite trademark pending feeling (okay, more like feeling plus plus). I hate to say more because I really would like him to be interested in a second date (he mentioned a couple of possibilities but nothing concrete), so I just don't want to jinx it. That and I'm tired from smiling and laughing so much.
Okay, so I have to ask: is it bad that he's seven years younger than I am?
Okay, so I have to ask: is it bad that he's seven years younger than I am?
Who's Got the Spreadsheet
It seems with all this dating, I need a spreadsheet to keep everyone straight. Not really. What I'm having a hard time keeping straight is the anonymous ways I'm referencing these guys.
Today I had a coffee/lunch date with Guy 9 - C. Nice guy. He's doing the online dating thing more as a lark because his friends want him to find a nice woman. His one friend actually typed up his profile for him and screens his potential dates (she had read our email exchanges). But he's happy in his life and with where he's at. He's smart, has a career in a field that's interesting and in a round about way, something related to my past professional experience. At the end of the date he asked for date number 2. I think he goes into the potential friend only category, but I'll keep an open mind at least.
He did get minus points, though, for being twice caught looking at my chest...although I didn't tell him I caught him.
There wasn't really that spark but a bit of spark occurred as he continued talking. At the end of the date, he was telling me about an intellectual theory related to his work and it made me realize I really am more attracted to smart men. Perhaps that's why my approach is definitely exchanging a few emails first and then see about setting up the date.
It also hit me that this dating thing is very similar to my job search. These are interviews of a sort; but interviews by both me and my date. I've grown more comfortable with talking about myself. It's my hope this translates into being more comfortable when I get more interviews lined up.
I wish I had more humorous stories to tell of my trials and tribulations in getting ready...but today I remembered everything: no hair brush entanglement; eyeliner under control; mascara must be applied. I suppose it's a bit humorous that I have happy hour scheduled with Guy 8 - K this evening...back to the untraditional double date. But hey, it works for me.
Today I had a coffee/lunch date with Guy 9 - C. Nice guy. He's doing the online dating thing more as a lark because his friends want him to find a nice woman. His one friend actually typed up his profile for him and screens his potential dates (she had read our email exchanges). But he's happy in his life and with where he's at. He's smart, has a career in a field that's interesting and in a round about way, something related to my past professional experience. At the end of the date he asked for date number 2. I think he goes into the potential friend only category, but I'll keep an open mind at least.
He did get minus points, though, for being twice caught looking at my chest...although I didn't tell him I caught him.
There wasn't really that spark but a bit of spark occurred as he continued talking. At the end of the date, he was telling me about an intellectual theory related to his work and it made me realize I really am more attracted to smart men. Perhaps that's why my approach is definitely exchanging a few emails first and then see about setting up the date.
It also hit me that this dating thing is very similar to my job search. These are interviews of a sort; but interviews by both me and my date. I've grown more comfortable with talking about myself. It's my hope this translates into being more comfortable when I get more interviews lined up.
I wish I had more humorous stories to tell of my trials and tribulations in getting ready...but today I remembered everything: no hair brush entanglement; eyeliner under control; mascara must be applied. I suppose it's a bit humorous that I have happy hour scheduled with Guy 8 - K this evening...back to the untraditional double date. But hey, it works for me.
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